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*onfusedinAlabama
writes: Dear Abby, I moved in with my 4th husband just 3 days after meeting him. We were married 2 years later and married 8 yrs this May. We have lived together 10 years, and I have never regretted a day of it. He is the love of my life and I would do anything in the world for him. I have 3 children by previous marriages, however, my husband doesn't have any. I had to have an emergency hysterectomy after only 4 months of being with him. I told him at that time that I would never be able to give him a child. He was upset, but didn't want to be without me so he accepted the fact. Throughout the years, he has told me on a few occasions that he wish he would have had a child. He accepted the fact he couldn't and would rather not have one than be without me. We know this married couple and they are our best friends and have been for the last 10 years.They are unable to have children, because the man is sterile. My husband ask me one day what I thought about us giving them a child. He would have a blood child that way, and they would have a child to raise as their own. I was afraid, my best friend has always had a crush on my husband. I thought maybe this was a way she could take him from me. After expressing my fears to my husband, he assured me that he had no feelings for her and never would have. He also told me that there wasn't any way she could take him from me. I want my husband to have a child of his on, but I don't want to lose him. It really hurts me to think that one thing he wanted most in life, he would go to his grave without. Am I being selfish???Please Help!! Confused in Alabama
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2005): If this was to occur, Delia makes some very good points about the emotional bond that could happen between this woman and your husband, especially if he's allowed to play an active role in the life of this child. It's way too risky for you and your marriage could jeopardised at some point in the future. Yes, you husband has said he's not interested in her..but a baby can change all that. And what about you? How are you going handle this emotionally, seeing your friend holding your husband's biological child. This could bring out all sorts of emotions & mixed feelings you can't even anticipate, right now. Think hard on this.
Go get some legal advice from a lawyer and make sure this is something you both may want to do. Will he want parental rights? Will he be financially responsibible to this child (re: child support)? What about entitlements eg: inheritances)? Remember, this is a lifelong committment he will have, to this child, if he agrees to sperm donation. Seeking legal advice would tell him how to protect himself should he decide to retain his paternity rights, as this couple may decide to have your husband give up his "legal rights" and allow this other man to adopt his child. Is that what you husband would want? Be prepared, if they do accept your husband's sperm, they may want all parties involved sign a donor agreement that waives your husband's rights and responsibilies to the child. Your husband will bond with his child and if this friendship ever turns nasty, (and friendships can sour) how will that affect the life and emotional growth of this child. Donor agreements, even when signed, are not always held up in courts as legal documents, so that if your husband decides somewhere down the road that he wants to play a more active role, he could try and sue for parental rights. But be forwarned, that would get costly and an innocent child could get tossed into the middle of a very highly charged, negative legal battle. Be very careful with this and be sure you know what you are getting into. I caution you to take a long look at the pros and cons of your situation, both emotionally, financially and legally. I really think they should consider donor sperm. Less complicated and the donor Dad is NOT a part of their lives.
Another option is perhaps you and your husband could consider forming that wonderful family bond by adopting a child of your own. Or perhaps he can come to the end conclusion, that he could love the children you have already and take joy and comfort that he is a wonderful step-dad to them and continue to be a wonderful, amazing role model. Remember, anyone can be a father (biologically) but it take some real special to be a "dad". Just some pointers to consider and wish you all the best of luck. Take care
Hugs,
Irish
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female
reader, Delila +, writes (7 September 2005):
I don't think you are being selfish at all. I think you are being sensible. This is something that you do not enter into lightly. These friends would not make a good choice, for all the reasons you suggested. You could arrange for someone else to do it. There are people out there that will carry a child, if you have any eggs then your husbands sperm and your egg can be mixed and a woman can carry and deliver your child. These friends of yours would want to rear the baby and your husband and this woman would have a bond that could not be equalled by you or her husband. Especially because she fancies your husband, even though he says that he does not feel that way for her, if she gave birth to his child then he certainly would feel strongly for her, it might not be sexual but things can change, I would not take that risk. He did say when he married you that it would not matter if he could not have a child but like I say things change, if it is very important to him it is possible to find a woman willing to be a surrogate mother.
Hope that you can find a good solution.
Delila
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