A
female
age
41-50,
*SDH2000
writes:Hello, My husband and I have been married for 4 years, but together for 7. He's is 24, and I am 25. This is also my 2nd marriage. My husband just recently got out of the military. He was a military cop, so he has that attitude like a cop. He is also quite mean. He used to not be like this, or maybe it just took a while for the real person to come out. We have 2 kids also..a 6 yr old girl, and a 1 yr old boy. He does not help me with the kids at all. He would rather sit at the computer all day long playing video games. We only see him when he goes outside to smoke, or comes to the kitchen and eat. He plays the games in the bedroom with the door closed all day long. We also have been fighting like crazy everyday for almost a month now. If I do not do what he says, then he would charge at me, as if he is about to hit me. He has hit me in the past...like punching in the arms, legs, and yesterday, he finally slapped me in the face, but later apologized. I have told him that he abuses me, but he makes it seem like I am over-exaggerating things. He makes me feel like everything is my fault also. I was physically, emotionally, and sexually abused as a child, and maybe this is why I find the wrong guys. I do not believe in good guys anymore, and if I ever came across one, it would be foreign to me. I am constantly thinking how it would be....just me and the kids without my husband. He now gives me a weekly allowance, just enough to take care of the kids, and house. He also does not want me to further my education, like I had started while he was in the military. He wants to go to college, so I have to just sit at home, and care for the kids. I would leave, but I did not have my dad while growing up, and this is why I want the kids to be near him. Also, his family adores me, and I would hate to disappoint them, and lastly......money...I have none....what should I do about all this? Is this a kind of marriage that can be fixed or not? Thanks.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2007): hi,get out of there. Believe me no matter what you do your kids will suffer in some way, so, why don't you have a happy life away from him. Your kids will have something to say if you stay with him or not and your daughter will always play you and her dad against each other, because she knows who has the power. But you can have that power too. Does your husband have depression/post traumatic stress because of the military? If so he needs help, but he shouldn't be making your life hell - that's bullying! Can you not get any advice regarding custody? Your husband sounds like a control freak, who has no power anywhere else in his life so he gets it from being the way he is with you and the children. As for the money, he is keeping you short of it so you can't put any away to leave him. Where there's a will there's a way and you will find it. Get advice on custody, money, housing if you can start a rainy day fund and keep it secret from everyone else,so when the time comes you will maybe have a little put by. Also don't worry about his family they don't have to live with him and put up with it. I hope they give you some support but believe me they're not really interested in you as long as their son is ok. If you decide to take the next step all you can do is tell them the reasons and hope they understand, if not, then sod them. No matter what you will probably get the blame. PLEASE STAY STRONG, you have gotten through much worse and you will get through this. all my prayers and thoughts are with you and you're beautiful children. YOU CAN MAKE IT! XXXXXX
A
female
reader, MSDH2000 +, writes (6 July 2007):
MSDH2000 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI want to thank you all for responding to my dilemma. I have never left the marriage before. One writer asked if I married young the 1st time....actually yes, and it's so weird that someone would know that without me telling them. My husbnd is not mean like that everyday. We actually have good days, and I am not trying to make excuses about this. We really do have good days, but it's just getting to where I invision myself and the kids. It's pretty much like that anyways. I'm scared that our families will think we did not try hard enough to save our marriage. I'm at the point now where I could really care less if it is saved. I don't want to be with anyone else, and if my husband and I split, then I would really focus on MYSELF, and ofcourse the kids. I think about my future constantly, but it's very hard taking that first step. I live in a small town, where everybody knows everbody business. There are no womens shelters around here either. I'm making a master plan about all of this. I'm also scared because when we fight, we always say the word "divorce", and he tells me he would get custody of the kids. This scares me into just staying. I have no proof about what he is doing either. My 6 yr old could help with witnessing, but I would not want to drag her into anything. She chooses me over her dad, but she is not scared of him either. I grew up watching my mom get dragged in by the bad ones too.....like the one who molested me from 6 yrs-10 yrs old, and the one who gave me my 1st black eye at age 3. When my husband doe get mean, he will always look at our daughter to see if she is looking or not..so he knows someting bd is happening. He will say sorry for anything that he does or says that hurts me, but later on, when he gets mad again, he will let me know that it will happen again. I want to thank you all for listening to me, but my plan will take alot of time to follow through.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2007): It's obvious that you really care for your kids, but them being in the middle of a situation where their mummy is sad and upset is not what is best for them.
If you feel you cannot be around him any more then you must be strong and leave. Afterall, you say he doesn't help you with the children so him not being around anymore isn't going to make much difference is it?
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A
female
reader, LauraE  +, writes (6 July 2007):
Hi sweetheart,
So sorry to hear about this situation. It is never a light thing to suggest that someone leaves their spouse once they have children. If you didn’t have children, there would be no question. And in this case, I think there is also no question because he will be doing them more harm than good, apart form the harm that he is doing to you. He may not have hit you much – yet – but he is crushing you. The children hardly see him even though he lives with you. When they do see him, it is likely that they see him treating you badly. He wouldn’t be such a big loss to them would he? It is certainly ideal for children to be brought up with two parents, but you are in a bad situation that changes that rule. You can investigate ways and means before you actually pack your bags, so that you know where you will be going ahead of time. Contact women’s refuge groups, your family, friends. Make your plan, and then do it. You were married very young the first time weren’t you? Maybe to get out of your bad situation at home. I am very sorry that you have had such a difficult life up to now. The thing is that you have the rest of your life to live, and your children’s well-being to look after. When you are able to, it would be great if you could return to education as you wished. I don’t know what facilities you have for part-time study, but that is for the future. In the meantime, remember what you said to us about maybe being attracted to abusers and be very wary of involvement with another man before you are stable and confident. I wish you the best of luck for the future for you and your kids.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2007): You need to check out the Child-Protective-Services in your area. If he is abusing you in front of the children, that in its self is child abuse. When push comes to shove, The children should be your first concern. The-Department
-Of-Social-Services is the best place to look for help. And you can call them from your home. And you can find them in your phone-book's yellow- pages. But do call them when you husband is out of the house. Please let them know everything thats going on. And that he could be dangerous, Because he really is.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2007): You definately need to protect your children and yourself. Children are aware of what is going on and they will carry it with them into their adult life. I work with Juvenile offenders who are stuck in the justice system for commiting offences. Most of them have backrounds of family abuse. Please spare your children and give yourself a happy and safe life. There are many different agencies which can help you with accomodation etc.
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A
female
reader, Midge +, writes (6 July 2007):
 You say you want to do the best for this kids, but being in a relationship where there is violence and the potential to be violent, is not an environment to bring kids up in.
I can truly say that I had your opinion once when it came to men. I honestly thought that "good men" were a thing of the past. However, I did manage to get one. He is wonderful and wouldnt dare lift his hand to hit me.
You need to get out the environment and take the kids with you. I am sure that you have family or friends to go stay with. Just pack your bags and leave!
As for his parents adoring you, thats great. But they are not the ones in a violent relationship. And if he's not physically abusing you, he is mentally abusing you, so its the SAME THING!!!! Its still abuse whatever way you look at it!
You may not have money, but I am sure that whoever you go stay with, with help you for a short while. You can go find a job somewhere, doing something, even if you dont like it. You will at least be bringing money into the family! There is also outside support in womans shelters! Honestly the help is there, you just have to pick up the phone and ask for it!
Family crisis centres, womans shelters, etc etc. Look in the telephone directory!
No-one ever deserves to be in an abusive relationship, and the fact that he is spending all his time on a computer, not with the kids, the kids arent seeing him anyway, so hes really not a fathers backside anyway! So in effect, the klds wont miss what wasnt there to begin with!
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A
female
reader, kellyO +, writes (6 July 2007):
 Hi there,
I know you want the best for your kids and their father to be there for them but you cant compromise your own future happiness. His family might be really nice alos but they arent going to be there with you when he treats you bad. Marriage is between him and you getting along.He is being abusive to you and this is no exaggeration.You have been through alot as a kid and i feel for you, i really do.
I can only advise you to find the courage to leave him.Go to a family member of friend for help until u can stand on your own.I dont really see the possibility of the marriage being fixed now becos he doesn even realise that what he is doing is bad to begin with. You have to go back to school or get a job and stand on your own two feet.
I wish u all the best. Please write to me anytime.
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