A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:my soon to be husband says he just doesn't have to have sex?my fiance and i have been together a bit under a year now and a few months into our relationship i started noticing him not wanting to be as intimate as we had to begin with..i have been married before so i know that sex tends to die down as time goes on..but i'm talkin two months here..anyway, i talked to him and asked him the usual i'm gonna act insecure questions like "do i not turn you on?""are you not attracted to me?" those types of things..he said that it was none of those things that he just didn't need to have a lot of sex..ok, i understood that but what bothers me is that it's always on his terms..if he wants to have sex then we do..if i try to initiate anything it's a no go..so, i have gotten to the point where i just do not want to even try to initiate anymore..am i wrong for being this way? he says he doesn't like feeling pressured..he wants things to be spontaneous..but then he says i always initiate things at the wrong time..like when he's doing something ie on the computer or watching a movie..so when is it spontaneous..i am completely confused and any advice would be helpful..i've tried talking to him and he thinks i'm making a big deal of nothing..thanx
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female
reader, Sugarbuns  +, writes (27 September 2007):
 I am seeing a guy who is kind of like this. For one thing, he does have high blood pressure and is on medication for it so I think some of his waned sex drive could be connected to this problem. At times, he's insatiable. And other times he couldn't care less no matter what I do. I've also learned that my b/f is a bit "intense" at times. He gets all-absorbed in projects, whether it's paying bills, or designing a new sound system, and if he's having problems at work, forget about it - it will affect his ability to think of anything else. He also likes to be the agressor. Don't ask me why, it's just his thing. I guess it makes him feel "manly" when he can come after me. When we were first seeing each other, he would occasionally let me initiate sex, and seemed to like it, but later I learned that it only works when he's drunk or stoned (ha-ha) otherwise, he wants to be the one in charge. I do sometimes worry that if his sex drives drops any lower though, I will be in big trouble because I have a fairly high sex drive, but I try to just keep our relationship balanced and so far, he initiates sex pretty often and when he's stressed out, I've learned to recognize that it has nothing to do with me and back off. He seems to re-center himself with me better when I'm not pressuring him to perform. I hope this helps you out.
A
female
reader, wens  +, writes (27 September 2007):
I have read your letter dear and feel that maybe your husband/partner may have a problem concerning him emotionally? Sometimes when we have emotional problems it can cause other reactions.
The first thing to change is our personality then it finally leads to low sex drive.
Have you considered that dear friend? Maybe instead of talking to him about what seems to be the real issue to you (sex). You can discuss if he as any other problems that he feels may have caused this reaction, if there is anything on his mind about other things such as work etc.
It's worth a try dear.
I do agree that you are anxious especially only after two months of marriage.
Yes I agree that it does change after time but not that quick! There must be other issues other than sex I am afraid to say.
Maybe if you just left the sexual side out of it and did more caressing, court one another again.
It may give him more confidence in himself.
I do hope you sort it out but the best thing of all is to communicate with each other! Even if the sex fades away for a short while, keep talking and inform both of how much you are in love along with how and what you are both feeling. Be honest with each other.
Regards
Wens
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2007): Men are funny creatures at times, but I'd go along with him to a certain extent. Trying to seduce him when he's on the computer? No, bad time. When he's in the middle of a movie? Ditto.
I would define a 'spontaneous' time as when he's sitting there doing nothing in particular, or when you've been in bed awhile - not as soon as you get into it. Sneak up to him and tell him you want a cuddle. Nothing else, just a cuddle. Sneak in a kiss or two and try to take it from there. It's something he has to build up to and can't be expected to rise to the occasion at the drop of a hat. Try jumping on his bones first thing in the morning if he wakes up with an erection. Provided his bladder isn't too full he might like that. Or you could gently fondle him in the middle of the night and wake him up with a blowjob or something. That's what I'd call spontaneous, in the loosest possible sense of the word!
However, if you've gone 2 months without, there might be another problem like high blood pressure or something like that. Try to persuade him to get a medical once in a while to check everything is ok.
Oh - and I don't think you're making a big deal out of nothing, and he needs to know you don't either.
Phil
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2007): look forward to a controlling marriage on his terms-or not! if this is what he's like with sex imagine how he will expect you to accept all his decisions in life without any input from the doormat (you).
he is clearly selfish and uncompromising-i'd get out while i still could
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