A
female
age
36-40,
*oomis87
writes:I resent my husband and don't know where to go from here. On new years eve we had my brother in-law and his family here to bring in the new year. Everything was going good until about 12:30 am when my brother in-law thought it would be Ok to blast white trash kkk music in my home. I didn't want to make a thing out of it so I walked out of the living room. As I stood in my kitchen I could no longer stand to hear the hate filled lyrics coming from my TV. It hurt me to my core to hear this. I couldn't just sit there and allow it to be played in my home. I went to the living room and shut it off and said I can't listen to this hateful shit anymore. I walked out to my garage to cool off when out comes my husband yelling and pointing his finger at me telling me "you couldn't just keep your mouth shut could you". I was so shocked that I didn't know what to say. He then said his brother and his family was leaving. I went out to the living room and told my brother in-law they didn't have to leave and he went off on me. I said some things as well about his racism. My husband then came back in and started yelling at me and telling his brother "its over"! Then he told me he wants a divorce and I need to get out of the house. He continue to yell at me to get out of our house and I slapped him across the cheek. I know violence is never an option, but I just wanted to get his attention to the fact that he was saying these things to his wife and mother of his 3 kids. We fought until 3:30 am. I ignored him the next day and told him I wasn't sure where to go from here because I am so hurt. Now he has been acting as if nothing happened and won't talk to his brother about what he did. I don't know what to do anymore. This is not the first time he has thrown me under the bus with his family. I feel so alone. I feel like a stranger in my home. We have been together for 8 years, married for 7. How he treats me is the biggest issue in our marriage. I don't feel like I can tell him things anymore with out him becoming irate. I love him but I'm tired of being treated this way. I guess I just need to know I'm not crazy and that what I did was justified. Because I feel like the bad guy.
View related questions:
divorce, violent Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Mizzfit J  +, writes (23 October 2017):
Sounds like your husband might be haboring some sort of a resentment towards you , try talking to him and asking him if there is something bothering him or suggest maybe getting some counseling. Have you told him how his actions make you feel
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2016): I agree with WiseOwlE.His and his family's behaviour is unacceptable.What worries me is that you were the only one who had a problem with the music.You obviously feel overwhelmed by them. When they started playing that music you retreated instead of killing the thing in the bud. Ask yourself why you didn't say straight away CALMLY that that kind of music is offensive for you. You let the anger accumulate and then when you couldn't take it anymore you bursted. And gave them exactly what they wanted. OK. Not wanted but could deal with. People like that need drama, scenes... they cannot discuss things.Make no mistake, your children being there would not have prevented your brother in law from playing that shit or your husband from acting like one.You hitting him is not you wanting to get his attention, is you feeling powerless. Your husband took your power away from you (and not just that night). Now it's time to get it back. You can not play his game and win. Those are the rules you do not understand and do not play by. Make him climb to your world - get a lawyer. And get a shrink. Seriously. I am not talking about you loving someone who has unacceptable tastes in music. I am talking about you loving someone who treats you poorly. You not being able to communicate. I suspect that your husband is a bully and that whether you know it or not you are in a codependant relationship. For some reason you accept his abuse. What does it mean - he becomes "irate" when you tell him things? That's a textbook sign of control. He's preventing you from expressing yourself (because if you do he'll get angry and abusive and you FEAR that - fear is the right word no matter how you see it) and in return you think you can control his emotions and behaviour (preventing abuse) by shutting up. To push it one step further, he made you believe that you are somehow responsible for how HE feels. Don't you find it strange? What would you say to your sister or a best friend who came with this story?You don't say what your circumstances are (are you financialy independant? do you work? have a good support system - freinds, family?), but there is always a way out.I would take this event not only as a major red flag, but a deal-breaker. Even if your kids weren't present, there's a possibility they could find out. And for sure they were present in some of the situations when he gets "irate" and see you back off. It's a really bad example for them of what relationships are. They are not able to understand the situation and they may start seeing YOU as the culprit - the boring mother who constantly nags their cool father. Shit, you didn't even let them party for the New Year's Eve. Are you going to start slapping them as well when you start feeling powerless? And you'll get there in some form. Or you'll die inside and become a doormat.Another thing. I don't agree that your husband was just angry because the party was over. The fact that you couldn' take your husband aside and tell him to divert his brother's attention after "this song" so that you can turn off the TV shows that you are not only in different worlds but cannot normally communicate at all.You storming in and turning off the TV calling their music shit (which it is btw) is like calling them shit. From their point of you it was humiliating and your husband had to step up and show you who's the boss and throw you out of your home in front of them. And nobody stepped up, not even women and tried to calm the situation down?Sweety, you've chosen the wrong tribe. But. The important thing is that you stand on your own two feet Or... even if you leave this abuser, ther's a strong possibility you'll end up with another and become the women WiseOwlE mentions -the one who can't leave her bully husband. You have to learn how to express yourself when you don't agree with something. You have the right to say no. The way you do things counts as well. Don't let your husband or your family make you lose your cool.You are not alone in this and as I said there is a way out. You just need to realize first that you need and want to get out and build a life for yourself that you deserve.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2016): Your husband attacked you in-front of guests! In "your" own home! Defending people who offended you to your very core!
He defended them, instead of you! Then "he" said "he" wanted a divorce?!!! He threw you out, in-front of your own children?!!! Even if they weren't there, they could have been. The reaction might of been the same, or worse! If you fought until after 3:00 in the morning, your kids were most likely home by then!
Seriously?!!
He asked for a divorce. Give him one, and take the house.
If it's his family's home, let him keep it. Drain him dry financially, and move far away. Kids do not need to be around people like that! They're dangerous!
He's made it clear who he hates, and who he doesn't love. He may be the father of your children; but do you really want your children raised in a racist hateful environment?
Playing white supremacist music with hateful lyrics?
How can you live there yourself?
This didn't just come out of the blue. You've always known he is what he is. Now you're stuck with a major racist assh*le; and your children are going to grow up in that ignorance! Then he just dismisses everything, and acts as if nothing happens. They always find women like you who won't leave them.
You have my sympathies, my dear!
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (6 January 2016):
 I never knew kkk music existed. I guess it's their culture and they grew up with it. If they like that kind of music they probably think wives have no status in the home and they have no right to disagree with in laws. Your husband was angry that the party was over. Maybe he drank. He didn't mean the divorce although you are thinking about it. With three kids it's hard to just say leave forever.
You are not crazy. At the same time he and his family drove you crazy. When we get to the point that we slap someone, you crossed the line. You were making a statement such as, "I am so angry that I don't care if this marriage survives." You are not only married to him, but to his family too. You married him young but now you see his true self. He is a racist but you still love him. He didn't hit you back because he knew he was in the wrong, or feels that men never hit women. Both of you need anger management because one day it could escalate to both of you fighting physically. He is set in his ways so it's take it or leave it.
...............................
|
