A
female
age
30-35,
*oone00
writes:My husband and I got married within a year of knowing each other and we have only been married for 6 months. Since I've had our daughter he seems to prefer watching porn to having sex. we only have sex if i basically tell him to have sex with me. a few months or so ago i found naked pictures of his ex in his email( days later were pics of me) and she wont let him see a son as a result of my confrontation with her. Now when i ask him questions about what he's doing or where he's going he gets mad. When ever i tell him that i'm not happy about something he instantly gets mad and it turns into a fight. i don't trust him anymore. i feel like he just doesn't want me anymore (he says that i'm the only one he wants). what should i do? i am tiered of fighting and if we don't start having more sex i don't know what i might do.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2012): what's wrong about keeping the ex's pics. I keep all of my ex's pics. They were a part of my life. I don't love them anymore and I don't want to be with them anymore. But I want to keep my memories. I want to look at the pics when I'm old and remember the days of my life. I just don't show them to my wife because I know she will never understand. Apparently, your husband made a mistake by letting you find the pics. And what was his punishment? Taking his son away from him? Oh god!!About the sex. I can not get aroused when I have problems with my wife. Your husband may be the same. Some people think men are sex machines. I wish it was true. But it isn't.I watch porn when I have problems with my wife too. Not for sexual pleasure. Watching porn when you are tense is like using opium. When we watch porn, our brain starts producing hormones, which relax our feelings and remove tension. Kind of like getting high. But without abusing drugs.I'm not saying that it's all your fault and your husband is a saint. But apparently, you are the one who should startto fix what you wrecked.
A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (29 November 2012):
 6 months married and a baby. Ex with a baby. Sexual communications with ex.
I would say that your relationship has a shit load of trouble and the porn/non-sex is just a tiny symptom of it all.
He only has sex with you, when you tell him to? TELL HIM TO?
As in, command?
Might he possibly be the type who doesn't stand up for himself and tries to go with the flow and avoid trouble?
Why did you two get married? Why does he tell you he wants you? Because you told him too?
Is his ex controlling him the same way?
There are bigger issues here then porn and they probably require professional help to dig to the root of the problem.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2012): Unfortunately you got yourself knocked up by a guy you really didn't know, rushed into an ill-advised marriage with a guy you really don't know, and now you have effectively alienated him from his son by sticking your nose in whereit didn't belong.
Ex isn't the problem, HE is; she has no obligation or commitment to you, HE does. If she's sending him naked pictures then why isn't HE deleting them? You had no business confronting her, and she has no right to block access to his child. Why hasn't he gone to court to get visitation? That should show you what kind of father he is, indifferent and uninvolved. Ex isn't punishing hubby by using his son as a weapon against him and new wife, she's punishing her own child.
Agree with Eddie that you need counselling, but must state that given all the strikes against you, it is very possible that this marriage can't be salvaged.
Unfortunately you can't completely get rid of him, he's the only father your daughter will ever have. Your daughter didn't pick her father, you did, and sadly it appears your daughter has the potential to experience as much unhappiness from that miscalculation as her half-brother.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2012): So I assume these are recent pics of his ex, as opposed to a real old email that you found?? Oof it sounds like he is cheating. And the fact that he is acting defensive, even more so. I would dead on confront him and straight up ask him if he is cheating. If he gets defensive and storms off I would follow him, spy on him, hack his accounts, ask his friends...somehow do whatever you need to to get to the bottom of it and find out what the hell is going on. You are more than entitled to answers.
And if so, you need to confront this head on and do what you got to do, you should dump him. Without a questionable doubt. You don't need that headache. He sounds like a nightmare.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (29 November 2012):
 YOu tell him to choose to be with YOU, or with his ex- (which is, obviously, his alternative to "you")......
Once you do that, and get his reaction, you will know just where you stand....
IF the rat chooses HER.... then make sure he pays plenty to get rid of you!!!
Good luck....
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (29 November 2012):
 I suspect there is a lot more going on in your relationship than what you post here. Also, there is some conflicting statements: you only have sex when you tell him to have sex with you and you follow it by saying you aren't having more sex. If he is having sex with you, when you want it, what is the problem? Is it that you feel he should pursue you more often?
I sense right now there is not a lot of good communication going on and there is significant resentment from both parties. He may not want to have sex with you because he is mad about 1) not being able to see his daughter 2) he could be in love with his ex 3) he isn't happy in the relationship.
I think there is more going on here than that can be fixed with a simple answer.
I would suggest the following though:
1) See a counselor or a therapist -- pronto. Don't go there expecting him to be a referee to your arguments; use the therapist so that you can learn to communicate with one another again. Most importantly, you want to get back to loving one another again and that may be letting bygones be bygones. Holding on to resentment and grudges WILL kill a relationship.
2) Determine if your husband is cheating. I think there is some suspicion there. If he is responding to his ex's naked pictures then there is definitely a problem. Infidelity should be a deal breaker in most relationships. Do your own checking on your own -- don't expect him to come clean.
3) Next time your husband is surfing porn and you feel neglected, surprise him and ask him if he wants the real thing. 99% of the time he is going to prefer you over his virtual friends and his hand.
4) Consider getting some you and him time. Find a sitter and go on a date night or book a room for a few hours in a no-tell motel. Perhaps he is feeling like he is competing with your newborn and is feeling neglected.
Your are at a pivotal time in your marriage. The first year or so can be extremely challenging. Compound that with the fact that you are both young, still getting to know one another, and you have a newborn (and compound it even further that he has an ex and another child). You've certainly got your work cut out for you. Do seek out professional help -- the sooner the better for you, your marriage AND your child.
Eddie
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