A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I need some advice, I need to know if I am overreacting.Me and my husband have been married for a year and have a 1 year old. My husband has this male friend, my husband self employed and this friend sets up work for him. This friend has a girlfriend but the amount of times they contact each other seems funny too me. From looking at his phone they phone each other every single day, several times a day. They text each other a lot. They hyave nicknames for each other such as "Mr 'surname'" Just seems flirty too me.They even phoned each other at 3am when my husband finished a night shift.I have talked too my husband about this, he just gets angry and says they don't talk that much and they are just friends.Me and my husband only have sex once a month, he does not seem that interested in me.Am I being totally crazy?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2013): 'Why doesn't he want sex anyway? It does not bother him if we don't have sex at all?'He doesn't want sex because - 'He has admitted he finds sex with me boring' and that- I never initiate sex (which is true) He gave you a solution;- He says to me "If you want sex get it." He needs to feel attractive and loved and sexy as much as you do so you have to show him that you are still crazy for him. It sounds like he felt that you weren't making an effort to seduce him too so he just stopped looking forward to it.It sounds like the crux of the problem is this;- I lost my confidence to start sex.With low sexual confidence you probably don't dare do anything new or you don't really relax and enjoy it. This would kill any partner's sex drive because they would feel rejected and inadequate.Work on your self esteem issues so that you are confident enough to initiate more.Another thing to consider is how things are outside the bedroom. Are you emotionally intimate? Do you share laughs, do things together and generally get on well? The lack of sex could be a symptom of a relationship that's on the rocks. Are you both happy with each other?You said he's happy to talk to the friend on the phone in front of you. Those are not the actions of someone having an affair. You also haven't mentioned any obviously flirtatious texts between them so I'm guessing there's nothing there. The real issue is between you and your husband.You also said that pregnancy played a huge part in getting married. Be honest with yourself and ask yourself if he was ready and happy to marry you. Is he not with you out of a sense of duty? Is he happy with you?
A
female
reader, shrodingerscat  +, writes (3 June 2013):
 How many children do you have? A son or a daughter?
Please excuse us Aunts and Uncles for being suspicious but we've had plenty of posters come in here and lie about situations just for attention. We're not getting paid for our time, this is a totally voluntary service we're providing and it would be extremely hateful of you to come in here and lie to us when we could be using this time to help people that really needed us.
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A
female
reader, cmarieky +, writes (3 June 2013):
I'm sorry for seeming petty but i notice some discrepancy with the post. You say life has changed since your child's birth and he is entirely too chatty with his male friend/business partner. You replied and stated things changed after u had your daughter. Then u replied later to a different post saying things change since your son's birth. Now a mother knows the gender of her child especially if its post birth. It changes how I see your post, then also it could be a honest mistake somehow, in which case clarification would suffice.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2013): Do you have two kids? You talk about your daughter in your first comment, and about your son in your second comment..?
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (3 June 2013):
 I don't think he's being flirty with his friend, they are business associates and friends...
I think your concern that you are only having sex once a month is coloring your feelings.
If the sex was good till the baby was born, then it's possible the birth of your child has put him off as does happen to some men. They have a madonna/whore complex whereby women who are mothers are not suitable for sex.
OR it could be a million other things. My hubby has been off sex for a while and I kept thinking it was me, but it was him, he was depressed, he was not feeling good, etc... many couples go in ebbs and flows but you need to talk about it with him...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2013): OP here.Thank you for the reply wiseowlE.Yes I have asked him lots of times if he stills finds me attractive, he always says he still does. I have put on a bit of weight since I had my son but only a few pounds more than pre pregnancy. He has admitted he finds sex with me boring and that I never initiate sex (which is true) he says too me "If you want sex get it." I lost my confidence to start sex. And why doesn't he want sex anyway? it does not bother him if we don't have sex at all.Is it normal to speak to a friend every single day, even at 3am?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2013): I think you're grasping for straws; because you don't have much of a sex life. Maybe you and your husband need to discuss ways you both can heat it up. You may need to ask him straight out if he is still physically attracted to YOU, and prepare to accept the answer. People sometimes pressure their partners into marriage; and selfishly ignore the possibility they weren't ready or even willing. Ask yourself a few questions and draw your own conclusion through the process of elimination. Review the following:Did you put on extra weight with the pregnancy?Do you and your husband argue frequently about finances?Is his business doing well, breaking even, or failing?Do you experiment with different sexual positions or practice oral sex? Does he own a lot of porn?Does he spend nights away from home?Does your husband and his friend touch each other sexually or kiss inappropriately for straight men (French kissing, making out)? Do they find reasons to be "alone" together a lot?Was he pressured into marriage because you were pregnant?Was there a lot of sex before you married?Are you hiding an affair you think he doesn't know about?Does he spend a lot of hours working and seem exhausted when he gets home?If he married you for the sake of the child, he may only have concerns for the welfare of his kid, and he wants to be a part of the child's life. If he wasn't really in love with you, he may not be able to be that loving and affectionate toward you. Women also don't know the damage they do when they are mean, bitter, or nagging. You can make totally emasculating remarks during anger or an argument that aren't easily forgotten. If your personality changed after marriage, he may miss the girl you used to be. If you complain about sex during sex, or things in general; it adds to his performance anxiety and he can't get in the mood. And yes, letting your body go can be less attractive to your partner. Sorry if women don't like that comment, but it is what it is. That's how some men are. You can hate him for it, or do something about it. Especially if it hinders your sex life.I wonder how your husband could run a business without being in regular/frequent communication with his employee/business associate? He had better start, if he doesn't. He is supposed to know what's going on around the clock.Uhm... Guys tend to give each other nicknames and call each other even worse; when they are friends. Exactly how is that flirtatious? I am gay and I've read your post a couple of times to see if I may have over-looked something?He could be having an affair; but you need more evidence in order to blame his "male" friend. If his business isn't doing well, forgive him if he isn't feeling very sexy for the time being. He has taxes and bills to pay; a family to support, and he has to keep a roof over your heads. That can really kill your sex-drive.He may be internalizing a lot, if his business is failing or he can't keep up with expenses.Did you ask him if he is having any problems sexually that he finds hard to discuss? He may have diabetes or need a physical to determine if he has some underlying medical problem. Some men only seek medical attention when rolled in on a gurney.In a sexless marriage, the neglected partner has to: find a way to spice up your sex life, have your partner seek a medical examination, accept it as it is, or seek a divorce.Choose your option.If he is gay, and in love with his friend as you suspect; he'll probably agree to the last option.Don't blame yourself for being crazy. You lack intimacy in your marriage; but you have to approach things logically.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2013): OP here.
Yes he does talk on phone in front of me if at home. Some calls are business related but not all obviously.
We got married when I was pregnant so yes it did play a huge part. The first year of our relationship our sex life was good but since we had our daughter, nothing seems be there between us anymore.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2013): They sound like business partners and that could explain why they contact each other so much. The texts and phonecalls - are they business related? Does he make them in front of you?
However, intuition is a great thing. It's telling you something's wrong so it might not be as innocent as it seems.
A few questions will help me to advise you -
- you say you've been married for a year and you have a 1 year old. Did the pregnancy contribute to him proposing?
- you say you only have sex once a month. Has your sex life always been like this? Or has the frequency changed recently?
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