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female
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anonymous
writes: My husband uses scary s and m porn daily, has sex with me a couple of times a month. He's always had porn stashes. A couple of years ago I installed a "spy" type of software, checking up on my teenager. What I found was that my husband daily looks at images of women being tortured. I am still creeped out by what I saw. His argument is "it's not illegal." I actually have watched some movies with him. They don't do anything for me and they are also nowhere near as violent and gross as the stuff he looks at on the net. I am aware that a guy who prefers to see women being tortured probably does not care if he's hurting my feelings. After twenty years together I can hardly look at him. Can anyone tell me if a guy can be normal in other ways and look at that stuff???
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female
reader, serena23  +, writes (10 November 2010):
so does mine....i think our marriage will end over it...he tells me it is not what he wants to do or that it sexually stimulates him..but i have caught him in several lies....he told me his most memoriable sexual expierence was when a woman asked him to spank her...he said he did...then in another conversation he said he did not...i have caught several of these and other remarks not coinciding..so in other words what is the fucking truth? Ihope you leave him as i plan to do mine....it is too creepy....this is the first time i felti could tell anyone .....and talk....it is awful .......
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2006): I'm with you ..I would find this creepy, as well. What makes this sad, is how it makes 'you' feel and you will have to decide whether you can live with this or not. Whether this is just fantasy or not-he needs to confront this, because the psychological implications of such fantasies is what I find horrific and vulgar. I am not saying, he is going to commit violent acts on women. But, it's the whole idea that he 'get's off' on this deviancy. It turns him on! Acting or not, just viewing 'rape and torture'scenarios of a woman is deplorable and I wouldn't accept it, in my marriage. All sexual deviations are learned behaviors, with pornography having the power of conditioning that sexual deviancy. Pornography can be addictive, with the some people becoming desensitized to 'ordinary, run of the mill' porn and moving on to dangerous images of bondage, rape, sadomasochism, torture and violence.I'd be concerned-it appears your husband has some 'preferences' and you have to decide if you can live with the knowledge, of what you have found out. At the very least, addiction to pornography destroys relationships by dehumanizing the individual and reducing the capacity to love. If your lovemaking is dropped dramatically..it could be I would suggest you talk to a marriage counsellor on your own first, to get his insights and opinions on what this will do to your marriage. Now that you know...I can only imagine how it is weighing on your mind. Then hopefully with some guidance from this counselor, you can get hubby in for some intensive help for his addiction. If I were you, I'd take a stand-I'd get rid of the internet, his movies, books, etc..and then go from there. If he's pissed that you won't tolerate this crap and leaves..then let him. You won't be missing much as he's made his choice of what is more important. And he's no longer the man you married! I am so sorry, dear.
Hugs, Irish
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A
female
reader, pressure free +, writes (28 January 2006):
yes if he finds wathching such appaling videos dump him and get someone who aprriciates you for who you are
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A
female
reader, Elliekitten +, writes (21 January 2006):
 hello, i have done some research for you on various sites i have found i have copied text from a web page and pasted it here.You may fantasize about sex with a family member, with an animal, with somebody who is much older or younger or about being overpowered or forcing someone to have sex. That does not imply you would like to experience these things in real life. How to handle unusual fantasies? 1. Know that it’s quite normal to fantasize about things that you would object to in real life. 2. Realize that fantasy and real life are two separate worlds. If you talk about your sexual fantasies with a lover make sure that the other is able to make this distinction. If your lover interprets fantasy as something you long for, your relationship may suffer. In that case it’s better to keep them to yourself. 3. Don’t try to get rid of your fantasies. They may easily become obsessive if you don’t accept them as a normal part of your sexuality. If you repress them it may also become hard to become excited or climax. As long as you don’t act on them they are harmless, like (day)dreams. i have also trawled through the net and found some sites that may help you they are either online councelling sites or sites to get advice on problems to do with relationships and sexual issues and displayed them below:-www.relate.org.uk/sexproblems/sextherapy/www.sexology.orgwww.sex-info.infowww.medicineNet.comwww.councilforrelationships.orgi really hoped i may have helped you here as i feel for you very much, 20 years is a long time to throw away on a fantassy that might be completely harmless, good luck and i hope you work this out.
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A
female
reader, willywombat  +, writes (21 January 2006):
 Oh boy! You really do have a dilemma! This is difficult, in your situation I would confront hubby and ask him straight what he gets out of this. If his answer leaves you feeling "creeped out" I think you may have to look long and hard at getting psycho-sexual counselling for him/you both.Snuff/tortue/rape pornography is, to me, as bad as paedophilia. I am not saying that he will necessarily go on to commit perverted or sick acts himself, but he does have some serious issues if this is the stuff he "gets off" on. Because you have watched some movies with him, he probably doesn't realise you might find it so disturbing. I feel you ahve to be honest about your feelings and tell him straight out how you feel. You have a marriage of 20 years to protect and you have to try every avenue. Get him to talk, try psycho-sexual counselling and above all keep communicating.Good Luck x
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