A
female
age
30-35,
*arriedConfused
writes:Hi everyone, Just need a bit of advice and help.Me and my hubby have been married just over a year and been together for 4 1/2 years, we own our own home and have a nearly 3 year old daughter.Since we have gotten married and I have started working in the job I am currently in, all my husband does is scream at me and call me a spoilt b**** and other awful names.If I ask him to help or do his share of the work he tells me in other words 'to chill out and wait a minute' thats a nicer way of putting it. I then give him half an hour to 'chill' and ask again so I'm not doing it on my own and I get sworn at and called and put down.The other week he told me to start talking to him because I told him I am getting really depressed with the way somet things are going in and out of work, and when he wanted some ammunition in an argument he used everything I told him to say I was a shit person and shit at my job and no wonder no one wants me. He then proceeded to tell me that I am the worst person possible and that I am ungrateful for everything he does for us. Yes, we both work 40 hours a week but he comes home and sits on the couch and moans when I ask for help, so one week I did the same to prove to him that I do stuff and without me doing it noone does it and he again used that as ammunition call me a lazy b**** and that I don't do anything for our daughter. I've told him there is no need to swear at me constantly and call me, but he says once I learn that the world doesn't revolve around me then he will be nice and also once I stop nagging him (I'm only asking him to help out and do his share of the house work seen as though both of us work) then he will stop swearing and putting me down. I feel like he's basically saying I make him do and say all those horrible things, I'm getting to the point where the only time he is nice to be is if i don't ask him to help and I'm waiting on him hand and foot. Any advice please, as I'm currently in floods of tears writing this :'(
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (28 October 2016):
 I think you know deep down that you are not doing anything wrong, you just don't want to admit what he really is. He is emotionally abusing you and he is actually controlling you by thinking everything is your fault. He is manipulating you and is working on you so that you will eventually have such low confidence that you will be his puppet. No you have not done anything wrong, he is just lazy and wants you to do everything. It will only get worse.
A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (26 October 2016):
 These situations always exist because the two people involved let it happen. You play your part in this as victim. You have accepted this role. You tell yourself you have been doing something wrong; you deserve to be treated badly. It is all your fault.
The moment you decide you are not going to play this role anymore the situation changes.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2016): I have also read Lundy Bancroft book. Its fantastic. Avoid this book at your peril. I recognise your husbands actions as abusive. He even has you wondering if it's your fault. Classic abuser tactic. Trouble is you are clearly at the stage where sadly you don't want to see it and don't really want advice that calls it as it is. Denail is dangerous.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2016): "I must be doing something wrong for him to get like this right?"Wrong, this is the tactic of the abuser. Like the other female anon I also know from experience.He's always been like this but probably kept this side of himself secret while he lured you in.Again look at it logically. If you are so bad why is he still with you? Surely he'd have just upped and left as any sensible person does if they're unhappy.The answer is he's happy with all this as he can control you. Look you both work so it's completely reasonable that you get some help with the housework and childcare. Swearing at your partner and just being derogatory is unacceptable. "I was a shit person and shit at my job and no wonder no-one wants me" is designed to put you down.It's not constructive is it? Most couples argue about something specific as that way you can fix things. Abusers just want to destroy your self esteem so they can get you to whatever they want.What do you love about him? The shouting? The swearing? The fact he won't even kiss you in public? The fact he doesn't even want you to share a joke with a work colleague? I'm sure there are times when he is nice to you. Probably when he senses you are getting to the point where you might leave.Read and re-read the answers here and seek out the book the previous poster mentioned. You've written a few paragraphs and probably only given us a small insight into your life yet, sadly, we all recognise what's going on.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (26 October 2016):
 It seems like his plan of lowering your self confidence has worked for you to be questioning if you're doing something wrong.
Was he like this before marriage? It's very possible he could feel like he's 'trapped' you so to speak and you've no way out but to deal with it. That most definitely isn't your only option and I'd recommend you leave this lazy, abusive man.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (26 October 2016):
 Why MUST it be YOU that are doing something "wrong"?
Is it hard to accept that you have married an ass? An abusive ass?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2016): HiThis isn't just about your husband not wanting to do housework. Many people don't want to do housework but they don't resort to this kind of psychological warfare to get their way.If housework wasn't the agenda it would be something else. The whole point to his behaviour is to bend you to his will. Whatever the subject. 'once you see that the world doesn't revolve around you...he'll be nice'.Rubbish by the way. He will NEVER act nice. It is not in his interest to do so. You have on your hands one very nasty, abusive man.Imagine a non abusive man who doesn't want to do the housework.....'Darling I really don't want to do any housework when I get home. I'm tired. I know you work too and you must be tired too. So can we afford to hire someone? If not let's arrange a rota to share the work at the weekend?' Or something like this should be the kind of discussion you're both having. I can see you shaking your head because you know he will NEVER interact like this with you. I was with an abusive man, my father was abusive and I have been in two previous short-lived thank God abusive relationships before I realised and understood what was happening. Abusive men have many tactics. Name calling being one of them. So that you get used to hearing derogatory terms being used in relation to yourself. After a while you will start to believe them yourself. That's why he's doing it. There is absolutely no need for all this name calling. Non whatever. One of the things that rang true that this is one abusive @@@@@ you have here, is when you said that he asked for information about your work, pretending to be supportive and then used it as ammunition. This is another tactic.I started to realise that the man I was living with and had thought I was in love with, could no way be allowed to know what was going on in my head, to know about any insecurities or worries. Why? Because it would all be used as ammunition against me. Later usually. He would store it up and use it. Play on what he knew I was scared of or whatever. I realised I was in a psychological battleground. Just as you are now. They also twist everything to try to make you believe that you are the one at fault. You are in floods of tears not because your husband doesn't want to do the housework, but because you know you are being treated very badly. On all levels. You are being abused. And hiring a maid will do absolutely NOTHING to stop this man's abuse. Please read books about abuse and learn about the kind of man that you find yourself with. The housework is a smokescreen that he has chosen to use to make your life hell. He could have chosen a number of other things, but he chose that. Understand that he couldn't care less about housework, all he wants is your misery, your compliance, your lack of self esteem and self worth so that he can control you further. Abusive people think that they are entitled to treat their partners this way. That your place is at their feet and they will take you apart piece by piece until they have weakened you enough that that's where you stay. Be careful, you're already on your way.I have only your best interests at heart and it breaks my heart when I hear a post like yours because you have no idea what's going on. It's very difficult to believe that the man you thought loved you, has most definitely NOT got your best interests at heart. The definition of the love that an abusive person has for their partner is that they want YOU to look after their needs and no-one else. Note that this has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with any needs YOU might have. Believe me when I say that he could not care less what your needs are. He might pretend to, to fool you, but he really doesn't. I read for England about abuse when I realised about the abuse I had suffered for many years of my life. I want to put the experiences I have had to good use by helping people to understand about it too.The best book I read on abuse was called 'Why Does He Do That?' by Professor Lundy Bancroft. If you read it and I sincerely hope you do, prepare to be empowered by the knowledge that it gives you. It is such an eye opener. You will see your husband's behaviour written in black and white. I suspect that there is more than you are telling us and I bet you anything you like that all the behaviour you experience at his hands is in this book. Please read it. But never let him see it. He is not your friend and he will react badly to you blowing his cover. Read it at a friend's house or the library, but read it. You will finally stop crying and start understanding that there are such people as your husband in the world who want your pain and it will help you enormously to understand the motives and tactics behind it all. If you want to come back to discuss anything else I will keep checking, just in case you have any other questions. Good luck x
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A
female
reader, MarriedConfused +, writes (25 October 2016):
MarriedConfused is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your replies.I do love him dearly and I've told him that I don't want to be the classic 1960s house wife where he works and does nothing at home, as I am working too but he always says that he does his fair share and that's want to be treated like a 60s wife. I ask for cuddles and kisses and I get aPeck on the lips he says he doesn't want to kiss in public I agree not full frontal snogging but a meaningful kiss is that too hard? Also whenever I talk to someone at work (I work in aMale dominant industry) he gets jealous and tells me it's just work and that it best be nothing else (which it isn't) but blows up if I tell him about a joke or having a laugh with a customer who are mainly male.I feel like he doesn't want to show affection but when I even talk to a male I'm accused of cheating and he hates that I have a laugh with customers!!He is the love of my life and I just feel like I'm failing.... I know your all saying he is bad but I must be doing something wrong for him to get like this right? )
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2016): His behaviour is emotional abuse. My ex husband was like it. If I cleaned and cooked and was exhausted he'd say "I'm not looking for a f***ing maid". If I didn't do it he'd complain nothing ever got done. Based on my experience I'd leave while you can. I assure you they get worse not better.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 October 2016):
I have to agree with the 2 uncles. THIS is your HUSBAND trying to condition you (or manipulate or bully either expression works for his behavior) to be subservient. To work 40 hours out of the home and do ALL the housework AT home too...
Why does he do it? My guess is he doesn't want to and believes it's "women's work" (great excuse to not want to clean or help - NOT!).
And you know what? It works! When YOU wait on him hand and foot he can be nice and cordial, the moment you ask for help he goes on the offensive and attacks you.
My guess is, before you got married and worked full-time YOU did all the housework? And he doesn't like the change. He doesn't like that YOU make your own money and that YOU have expectations of him when it comes to cleaning house.
I see 3 solutions:
1. hire a maid x hours a week.
2. Accept that THIS is who he is and you do all the work in the home.
3. Accept that THIS is who he is and leave his sorry lazy ass.
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (25 October 2016):
I think you encapsulated it there when you said: "The only time he is nice to be is if i don't ask him to help and I'm waiting on him hand and foot."
You are being trained to be a compliant servant. Something has to change doesn't it. I think an ultimatum is in order. Either he pays fair or you move you and your daughter out. But you have to be prepared to follow through.
There is an old saying that freedom is never given, it has to be won. You are having yours taken away.
The great thing is you have a job. You are financially independent. You don't have to take this kind of crap from him.
So he didn't think you would really do it? Well he will be taking notice of what you say very soon.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (25 October 2016):
Do you think it's likely to get better?
I'm 99.9% sure that it won't. It doesn't sound like you can reason with him to make him aware of what he's doing and how It's making you feel.
The only suggestion I have is to look after the safety of you and your child and leaving this man. It starts with verbal abuse but who knows where it could end up?
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