A
female
age
36-40,
*abygirl76
writes:My husband and I have been together for 10 years, married for 6. This man is the love of my life and I would, will, am willing, and want to do everything I possibly can to make him happy and to fulfill all his needs, wants, and dreams. I've worked quite hard to do so, and my hard work has either already paid off or is paying off, with one exception. I don't think I've ever put so much time and effort into anything before, and yet I've not made any progress. One of the most pleasurable things for my huband is oral, he's said that from day one, but I've got the worst gag reflex ever, which I also made known from day one. I told him then that I would do everything I could to be able to do this for him and after countless trys I still hadn't gotten anywhere. Over the years I have given it countless more trys, done reaserch on techniques that might help, done reflux strengthening exercises..... you name it I tried it. After all I've done and all these years, my husband has recently decided that somehow he means nothing to me because I "won't" give him oral, and he feels that if I truly wanted to make him happy and give him everything then I wouldn't be denying him this. I don't think he really understands or realizes what it's like for me, it most definitely is not because I don't want to or wont but can't. I feel so discouraged and a little let down. I didn't realize it was more of a necessity than a want. I am out of ideas and don't know where to go from here. I need help! If there is any for my lovely situation....
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2015): I am sorry but you do not even have to go down that far if you have a gagging reflex, just focus on the tip and use your hand for the rest, i think this is a confidence issue.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (14 September 2015):
 I want to say something in defense of her husband. He does not strike me as selfish at all. A blowjob, or sex for that matter, is something most intimate and special. He has been with her for 10 years, and I am sure he has tried as well to go without this intimacy. For him, I believe it feels like a rejection, thus he responds by saying he thinks she doesn't care for him. This is an idea that has been sinking into his head through the years, and while it is irrational, and not true, it is a very common way for humans to respond when feeling rejected. The idea then starts to evolve, and goes from her not liking him, to her deliberately withholding it as a form of punishment. This type of thinking takes time to develop, and it is not because he is selfish. It is a normal human reaction to feeling rejected.
The OP is feeling the same way, I guess. If he loved her, why would he ask for this, why does he not accept a life without it... and so on. We know that she doesn't hold back on blowjobs because she doesn't care about him. We know why she feels unable to do it, and him asking for it several times has probably led to her feeling more and more uncomfortable about it. But just because she's right, doesn't mean he's wrong.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2015): I know what you mean I gag from my toothbrush when I brush the back of my tongue, I can give oral to a man but not for long and despite several requests I've had for 'deep-throating' I will not do it. One boyf I had I found a porno video in his room of 'deep throats' and thus I guess that's where his 'exciting' ideas came from!
I think your husband is being selfish, it sounds as though you have tried to do this and he knew about it from day one. Is it so important to him that he will damage his relationship with you over it?
I wouldn't invest anymore time in trying to learn oral if you really don't like it, particularly not to please someone who sounds so selfish
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (14 September 2015):
You have been together for 10 years, so this problem has gone from small to larger to huge. It will not help you now, after 10 years, to learn how to do it, because the years of frustration and resentment have already built up. So what you must prioritize, the both of you, is to repair the relationship and get rid of the resentment.
Talk to a therapist, preferably a sex therapist, but a regular one will do just as well. There is not a thing on earth that will shock them, they've heard it all, and they're trained to be open minded and to help you work things out. That's step one for you, the both of you.
From here on, I am not sure what I should advise you. I could talk you through the motions of how to give a blowjob without taking him inside your mouth. But after 10 years, I am thinking you've already tried that, right? If not, reply back on here and I'll write you back.
Another thing to do in addition to therapy (which is crucial for therapy to even work) is to communicate. Talk about this! Talk about it, talk about it, talk about it. Normalize it, don't keep it locked up. If problems are being locked up and not talked about, they have this ability to grow out of proportions. Talk about it with him, let him rant or yell or cry about it, you do the same, and get it all out. Get out all of the frustration. Then once you've gotten all the frustration off your chest, you can begin to have a proper dialog about it.
The last thing I want to tell you is to be aware that this will take time to mend. It's been going on for 10 years, so it's had time to get stuck in the thought pattern of you both. Changing that pattern is what a therapist will help you with. But I would not expect to see changes until at least 6 months has passed in therapy (and a session about every two or three weeks).
This CAN be fixed, and worked with.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (14 September 2015):
 You can give a good bj without having do go deep throat. not all woman can or wish too and that's fine. Love him as you may, but his emotionally bullying you is really unfair. I wonder how satisfied he'd be with you vomiting all over him.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (14 September 2015):
 I want you to take step back a moment, take a deep breath and try to look at this situation more objectively.
You've put considerable time, thought and energy into overcoming your gag reflex so you can perform oral sex on your husband any time he wants it. Do you really think this a noble endeavour?
That's the kind of effort people invest in earning a degree, finding a cure for a disease and you're doing it so you can give a man a blow job. Is this how your saw your life when you were growing up? You have one life to live and you're going to squander it on this?
OP, I think you need to talk to a few of your wisest and most trusted female friends and relatives because this is a terrible waste of your talents. You need to let your support system know what's been going on here and not be so alone.
Your husband is a cad. You love him, I know and I'm sure he has some good qualities, but his attitude and his expectations of you are deplorable.
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