A
female
age
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anonymous
writes:Hello,I have been with my husband for over 18 years, our eldest child is nearly 17. In all that time he has never made me feel special. I have always worked and tried hard to be accomodating to him. (I admit that sometimes I have gone 'off the rails' - going out with my friends - but I was never unfaithful). He has worked on and off and is very supportive to everyone and everything... except me. Everyone thinks he is wonderful (including my parents) as he supports them and anyone else with their computer problems, and he is a school govenor. I love my kids to bits and I used to love him but I don't think he gives me much thought at all. We rarely talk, we never have sex anymore - probably my fault as I can't just turn it on when required. I feel I need some sort of communication with another person before I can make love to them. Just recently he let me down again on my birthday, I told myself it didn't matter as I was expecting the usual nothing...but something inside me just exploded. I know I have behaved badly since - not talking and going off on my own to think (and drink). I just couldn't pretend it didn't matter as I usually do. I know that if I do try and talk about how his neglect made me feel he will just negate my feelings as he always does...telling me I am over-reacting and that there are more important things to worry about etc etc etc. I always end up being the one who says sorry and then feeling confused and even more miserable but having to pretend I am ok??? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2008): When relationships fail, we are both responsible. Not one person is to blame, because it takes another to react. This reaction, though silent, is what begins the problems. Without having your husband speaking his side, we viewers may not fully understand the situation and the main problem.
Both partners need to contribute to the relationship, whether this is 50/50 or some other value. Most relationships are not 50/50, because each individual has particular temperment suited for different things. The funniest illistration I have, is cleaning the house. As a man, yes I am lazy, but if we sit down and determine a strategy, then I will fall in line. Don't expect me to jump and do something, don't expect your nit-picking to get me motivated, it has the reverse effect. Needing help, and asking in a non-threathening, non confrontive way is the best way to get a man's attention; not whining or telling him you've done so much for him and his children, this is invoking guilt on him. (that was long winded), anyways, my wife had to go somewhere, and she left. Watching two young boys, I cleaned the house, top to bottom, inch by inch. When she came home, her mouth dropped, and asked how in the heck did I do that. I looked at her stunned, and said I made up my mind to do it and I got the kids to help (help enough so I didn't have to keep looking for them).
If a man and a woman would sit down and go over things, I'm sure the man would take on certain chores. Just as women, men feel the same pressures. When women start complaining, it is natural for the receipent to put up defenses. It seems when women make up their mind about an event, there is no changing or explanation, even if they are wrong, they continue to bash their husbands. This is my relationship with my wife, she now feels that along with my work, I need to clean, cook, laundry, yard, special projects, etc., etc., etc. Problem is, nothing has changed, she continues to pile a work load on me, that months latter, she doesn't care about, which makes me listen and do less for her, because either she doesn't think clearly, or she is punishing me for what ever reason she cannot communicate.
All the post here are fine to a degree, but they are based on one sides opinion. We don't know if she has missed things that she has contributed to. Both men and women make mistakes, and lack of communication expressing feelings and why we do things the way we do, and why the other gets excited when we do things, not realizing that it is just who we are and how we tackle things. After years of critizing, and chewing me out, my wife it seems, has finally given up. This has to do with how dishes are placed in the washer. I get done and almost ready to close the door, and she'd stick her hands in and rearrange things and then scolled me for my lack of experience. Either way, the dishes would have been cleaned and sterilized, but no, she had to nit-pick how I do things. This also applied to laundry, cooking, romance, sex ... why do you think I tune her out, or any man for that reason.
So this is all I ask of the poster and those responding, to think outside the box, and for both partners to consider what each other is going through, and to realize, that even though we are soul mates, we were not built from the same mold and will do things differently.
Remember that if you can't resolve the problems in your relationship, there is a good chance that the problem/issue, will arise again, and you still won't be able to resolve it, because you have yet learned the why's, how's of it happening. Were both to blame, but we were never taught these skills, but it is our responsibility to learn and improve.
A
female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (24 March 2008):
 Sweetheart you have nothing to reproach yourself for here, don't let anyone else tell you otherwise.
You both work and so it should be a 50/50 situation and when it falls onto one persons shoulders all the time it just isn't fair. The old saying of give the busy person more work as they know they will get it done rather than the person twiddling their thumbs is very true in your case by the sounds of things.
You are jointly putting funds into the home to help pay for your mortgage and keeping a roof over your heads and food on the table for your family.
Staying up half the night on the PC is his escapism and yes if he has asked you to do things sexually previously that you are not happy with and he is not getting the sex now then yes your suspicions are probably correct. No one wants to be woken up when they are deep in sleep for a quick grope so no surprises there, he feels like it at the wrong time and you say no thanks. He really doesn't get what is going on here does he.
So as you wouldn't comply with the family plans and trying to pretend in front of others he suggests a solicitor, I think he would read your email if you send it to him and tell him to read it before getting solicitors involved. Mention Relate in your email to as this is one step to take before a solicitor as it obviously helped previously and if he realises that it would be the children as much as for yourselves then perhaps he may listen.
Your husband has made you insignificant and has he said anything since your birthday by way of an apology or has he completely dismissed it? When is his birthday btw?
Don't sit and fester any more, get active this week and start to plan out what you want to happen. By opening up the lines of communication in the first instance I think this would be good. The fact that he mentioned the solicitor could have been a shock tactic from him but do find out your rights in all of this as you need to be forwarned OK. You can sometimes get a free consultation or have a word with CAB or something.
You can't live the rest of your life unhappy as it isn't good for you or your children or even your husband come to that, it all depends on whether either one of you want to work it out or not. The love between you has been damaged so trying to find out if you have a future or not really is within the counselling I feel so try your email first and get as much info for yourself and your children to know where you go from here.
Here any time OK.
BFN
Country Woman
P.S. Try and stay strong and know that we are all here to help so you have a sounding board OK. Keep smiling as we are strong when we want to be. Life is for the living as we only get one chance at it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all the advice - especially country woman. He actually suggested to me yesterday that I go and see a Solicitor but as he was going out of the door at the time I didn't have a chance to reply. I had made him mad because I decided not to go to a friends house for dinner with the rest of the family (I couldn't bring myself to play happy families) and I thought we needed time apart because these long weekends are just awful sometimes.I think the email idea is a good one - I have written to him before when things got bad but I ended up blaming myself for everything, because I just wanted things to be ok again between us. We do have four children who depend on both of us and a hefty mortgage, and now he is in a permanent job.We did go to relate before for a while (when he was off work - he had been made redundant and it was coming up to the 7th year of him not working and hardly lifting a finger in the house). I had been to a solicitor then and she gave me a cuddle and told me to go to relate as she didn't think it was time for divorce (she was actually really kind and saved our marriage that time) and it brought things out that we both found hard to discuss. I now realise that he was suffering from depression that time. The sex thing is complicated too - in the beginning it was great except he wanted me to do stuff that I didn't really want and would sulk when I refused. Then after we had the kids I was often too tired and anyway and he wouldn't come to bed as he didn't have to get up for work in the morning. He would just stay up most of the night and then come to bed in the early hours and put his hand on my bum and try to wake me up! Not a good way to initiate lovemaking. Now he is working he still stays up half the night - on the p.c (I don't know what he's doing as if I ever come downstairs he just switches to a blank screen - but I can guess).In answer to Mr Lonelytwo I am the one who sorts out all the birthdays and Christmas's for everyone and will always make a point of getting him something nice and making it as special as I can for him when it is his birthday, and I have always appreciated any little gesture that he made, even if it was only getting the hoover out once or twice in a blue moon! I will always give him compliments on his cooking skills if he makes the dinner (which is very rare - even though he gets in from work first). I did over-react about this birthday business but I had been at work all day and everyone was so nice to me and kept asking me what my husband had got me and how he was probbly going to surprise me with dinner out etc and I knew this was not going to happen but I had to pretend that it might which just hurt my heart. Anyway thanks for all the advice. I will definitely think about all of your suggestions.x
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female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (24 March 2008):
Sweetheart if you are turning to the bottle for comfort and companionship then things seriously need to be addressed.
You say your eldest child is 17 so basically an adult, do you have other younger children at all?
When did these problems start to kick in and was it more noticeable when he was out of work or did something trigger this behaviour or distance between you.
I was in my relationship for almost 20 years before I split with my ex and our problems basically started after our daughter was born and when I stopped giving my ex more attention than our child. I also received no emotional support from him as I suffered severe postnatal depression and as I had always been his ROCK as he put it I did not get the emotional support from him and therefore could not let him get close to me physically and our relationship deteriorated from there.
What I would suggest is trying to talk to him but if as you say it always ends up with you always apologising I doubt he will listen to you. As one other person has suggested, perhaps putting your thoughts and feelings down on paper and asking him to read a letter could be more effective or email if he lives on his computer, believe me they don't ignore them if you make him aware that it is important for him to read it.
I think some counselling is essential if you don't want your relationship to end and if he realises the seriousness of where you are at right now he may agree. Most men don't want to involve a third person I know my ex didn't but as I tried to drive it home to him, it was the only way for us to truly say that we had tried everything and as we had a child together it was only fair to try to resolve our differences for her sake, if he is a true family man he may listen to reason.
I would suggest Relate in the first instance as they are impartial and perhaps a phone call from you initially would be beneficial, find out costs and length of time to get an appointment, you could go on your own as they do see individuals but it would be best if they saw you both. Maybe one session on your own could help build up your confidence in getting him to go as he may see the benefits you have had from one session. They evaluate your needs and if they feel you need further counselling with either individual counsellors or a couple counsellor or even a sex counsellor they have this info to hand so it would be worthwhile to just get through to that.
No counselling is cheap but it is cheaper than divorce so worth a shot in my opinion and also I think counselling helps us to address any demons from our relationship if we want to go forward to future relationships so think about it is my advice. It can open up wounds from our past or childhood so be aware that sometimes it can get raw if you do end up going onto individual counselling.
You haven't been unfaithful and as far as you know neither has your husband. His on off work pattern though does give me cause for concern as self worth could play a part in his behaviour. By no means am I saying that it is your fault as it takes two to make a relationship so it is most definitely a 50/50 contribution here.
Just think long and hard before you put either pen to paper or type out your email to your hubby and re-read it before you let him see it, get it straight in your own mind what you really want to get across to him and what will make him sit up and take notice of how serious this situation really is.
Wish you the best of luck and always here to listen OK.
BFN
Country Woman
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2008): You need to make him understand how important it is to you to communicate with him how you really feel - if you dont you will be giving up on your relationship and things will only slip into a worse state - maybe you could type out a slightly different version of your question and give it to him to read
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female
reader, thatgothgirl20  +, writes (23 March 2008):
 Please leave. Your child is practically grown! (Or if he means that much to you, maybe try some counseling.)You have my condolences.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2008): Is it possible he feels neglected too? It sounds like he is willing to help people, be involved. I know in my situation, my wife seems to think that I (the man) am the one to initiate romance, sex, surprises, remember her birthday and get her something special. Maybe he feels like I do, I was the one who did all that, but felt like it was taken for granted, or I was rejected to many times I gave up. Remember that two people will not always connect like we did when we first met. With work, children, they take the priority and we neglect ourselves in the process.Have you spoken to him about these feelings? Remember to that if he felt neglected, rejected, he may of tuned you out and he may not be ready to talk, for fear he will be rejected again. I know my wife does this when I try to tell her certain feelings. How I liked the food is okay, but if something she said or done hurt my feelings, then she thinksits crazy talk.Just a thought of my own situation, and maybe he is in the same boat.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2008): You've described the history but what are you asking? Whether to leave? Whether he loves you? Judge who is at fault?
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