A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm having a problem with my sex life; embarrassing to ask, but I don't know where to go.My husband doesn't seem to want sex with me unless he's drunk and can't seem to get interested unless he's tanked up on vodka and beer.He's a great guy with many good qualities and a great sense of humor but sexually it feels like we're incompatible at the moment. Whenever we've had sex he always has to have a large bottle of vodka bedside and drink it beforehand (he claims he can't perform without vodka or beer).Ive tried asking him why he does this, he claims it's just in him.But outside of sex, he's not alcoholic. He doesn't drink beer through the day or with every meal; for some reason, it's just a sex-only thing drinking large amounts. I don't understand why he does this.Sex with him when he's drunk seems like when we were first dating; if he's sober he can't seem to get into sex at all, something seems to distract him, Netflix, Amazon Prime possibly.We've been married for 5 years now, been together for 12 years in total.I'm worried about this as it's relating to his health.Is it normal for someone to really only want sex when drunk?As for how long it's been going on for... since before Christmas really, around mid-November.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2021): What a horrible woman lamingmpost bynone of the aunts below . If your husband really is such a judgemental and shallow jerk then you’re best off without him. Why that aunt put up with hers ( or any woman would I have no idea ) love between two people should go so much deeper than the size of someone’s tummy and so should attraction. When two people truly love each other the physical becomes very unimportant . How do you think couples manage to grow old and wrinkly together and maintain attraction.
I think he has either guilt over something or performance anxiety
The only way you’ll know is to raise the issue and not just let him brush it under the table
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2021): Okay, you've heard it from other women. Here's a male's point of view.
He has a bit of performance-anxiety. Some people tend to live in their heads, and do way too much overthinking. Performance-anxiety for men comes from many different things. Concerns about maintaining his erection, fear that you're not being pleased (or pretending), his mind is distracted by work/or pressures of life, insecurities about the size of his penis; and sometimes people use drugs and alcohol to loosen them up. He has become dependent and self-convinced that he needs alcohol to loosen-up; but that's a myth contrived in his own mind. He has a loving-partner willing and able to satisfy his needs from all indications.
As men age, erections become less reliable. He may get so much mind-clutter he can't focus on his love-making. Self-medicating with alcohol lowers his inhibitions, but it's false-courage and alcohol-induced security. People of modern-culture seem to be very reliant on pills, drugs, and potions to block their intrusive-thoughts, or to cope with life.
I am pleased to see you're not taking the blame for this; when all this rests entirely on him, and his own way of thinking. Although, I am sorry to say, you are still deluding yourself into not believing he has a drinking problem. If you consistently use alcohol for any reason other than celebration of special-occasions, libation, or the taste; but when you consume it in excess, you're using it to drown your sorrows, escape reality, numb your pain, or to soothe the cravings of an addiction. Consistent alcohol-abuse is alcoholism, or you're on your way! Some are known as the "functioning-alcoholic." Getting drunk on a consistent-basis is the first sign of alcoholism. His sexual-performance shouldn't be dependent on his drunken state of mind!
Maybe he was brought-up under strict religious-parenting, fundamentalist views, or prudish-notions about sex. The wrong attitude, or the feeling of shame about it; is most often based on your upbringing and conditioning. Too often, well-meaning parents teach their children that sex is "nasty," abstinence is holy, and masturbation is a mortal sin. Failing to clarify things any further than that, for the sake of the shock-effect; and with the intention to instill fear. Equating sexual-arousal with wicked lustfulness and perversion. Viewing others who display arousal as promiscuous, cheap, or slutty. The evil is the mindset that perceives this gift from God in such an egregious sense. God commands that it be kept between a man and a woman (biblically-speaking), and a husband and wife. He leaves it up to us to make our own choices about that. Being God, He gets to set all the rules and commandments He likes. Being omnipotent, omniscient, and an Immortal Deity has it's benefits and privileges! It also places the power in His hands to punish as He sees fit. Not to forget that His love is boundless, His forgiveness is everlasting, and He loves human beings to fault. He spoils us, but like a father He also admonishes us for bad-behavior. That's what's always left-out. Sex is dirty when you trash-it, force it on the unwilling, or the underaged. When it is frivolous and never considered as an act of expressing physical-love and affection for someone.
Too much of anything, or irresponsible/reckless behavior of any kind is wrong; but sex between husband and wife is 100% acceptable on all counts.
It's your attitude towards the act of sex, and your opinion of your partner/yourself (during and after) that sometimes messes people up. Some males have been so poorly conditioned by over-zealous mothers; that they are struck with guilt and emotional-paralysis when performing the act of sex. Alcohol allows him to enjoy sex for what it is; but he has now programmed himself to believe he needs it to enjoy sex, and for maximum-performance. That's something counseling and therapy might help; including your honesty and directness about how you feel about his overuse of alcohol. He has to stop thinking of sex as "nasty;" but healthy and clean, when experiencing it as pleasure between a husband and his wife. It is "making love!" It is demonstrative of your affection for one-another emotionally, biblically, and in the physical-sense.
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A
female
reader, EmmyApple +, writes (13 February 2021):
There’s no easy way to ask this but... how much weight have you gained? You’ve been together 12 years. A woman’s body will change a lot in 12 years. For me, I’m 5’2” and I’ve gone from a slender 145 pounds on our wedding night 2 years ago to my current weight of 220 pounds. My BMI is 40 so I’m just slightly into the “obese” range now. It’s hard to talk about because of feelings of shame and embarrassment. I was in denial about it at first. But the stress that my weight put on our sex life was undeniable. My husband felt very turned off by my stomach fat once it started becoming noticeable, and I felt super self-conscious about it. He constantly looked at pictures of skinny woman online. I felt angry that he was so shallow and judgemental. He felt angry that I couldn’t satisfy his sexual desire anymore. Our marriage almost collapsed. He started drinking a lot. For awhile we rarely had sex unless he was drunk.I desperately wanted to feel desired again and I tried to lose weight but I’m too out of shape to work out and I stress eat for comfort so dieting is too challenging for me.Finally we figured out how to talk about it without heated emotions, which is quite difficult! I started to learn what he likes sexually and be able to give him that. We started using new positions that help him enjoy more of the things he does like about my body (my boobs, hehe) with less of what he dislikes.He won’t have sex with you unless he’s drunk. OK. What about a different position? What about giving him oral? What about you randomly start sucking on him while he’s laying on the couch watching TV? Find ways to give him pleasure that are new and exciting but without any pressure for him to perform.My guess is that one of three things are happening: he’s turned off by a change in your body and/or you aren’t satisfying him sexually and/or he’s self-conscious about his performance. It could be any of those things or a combination. He doesn’t know how to talk about it without embarrassment or offending you so he’s turning to alcohol as a coping mechanism to make sex more enjoyable for himself. My advice is to try something new and different that will give him pleasure without pressure to perform. Learn what he likes and learn how to satisfy him and his attraction to you will come roaring back.
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A
female
reader, EmmyApple +, writes (13 February 2021):
There’s no easy way to ask this but... how much weight have you gained? You’ve been together 12 years. A woman’s body will change a lot in 12 years. For me, I’m 5’2” and I’ve gone from a slender 145 pounds on our wedding night 2 years ago to my current weight of 220 pounds. My BMI is 40 so I’m just slightly into the “obese” range now. It’s hard to talk about because of feelings of shame and embarrassment. I was in denial about it at first. But the stress that my weight put on our sex life was undeniable. My husband felt very turned off by my stomach fat once it started becoming noticeable, and I felt super self-conscious about it. He constantly looked at pictures of skinny woman online. I felt angry that he was so shallow and judgemental. He felt angry that I couldn’t satisfy his sexual desire anymore. Our marriage almost collapsed. He started drinking a lot. For awhile we rarely had sex unless he was drunk.I desperately wanted to feel desired again and I tried to lose weight but I’m too out of shape to work out and I stress eat for comfort so dieting is too challenging for me.
Finally we figured out how to talk about it without heated emotions, which is quite difficult! I started to learn what he likes sexually and be able to give him that. We started using new positions that help him enjoy more of the things he does like about my body (my boobs, hehe) with less of what he dislikes.
He won’t have sex with you unless he’s drunk. OK. What about a different position? What about giving him oral? What about you randomly start sucking on him while he’s laying on the couch watching TV? Find ways to give him pleasure that are new and exciting but without any pressure for him to perform.
My guess is that one of three things are happening: he’s turned off by a change in your body and/or you aren’t satisfying him sexually and/or he’s self-conscious about his performance. It could be any of those things or a combination. He doesn’t know how to talk about it without embarrassment or offending you so he’s turning to alcohol as a coping mechanism to make sex more enjoyable for himself. My advice is to try something new and different that will give him pleasure without pressure to perform. Learn what he likes and learn how to satisfy him and his attraction to you will come roaring back.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2021): Make an appointment with a sex therapist for both of you today.There are some deep problems on his part he must deal with to have a happy lfe.Also have hubby get professional help with his drinking problem....yes he does have a drinking problem.If he refuses leave him because it will get worse for you and that is a fact.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (13 February 2021):
 Is it normal for someone to really only want sex when drunk?
In my experience, no, not "normal".
If it was normal, he would have been doing it from the beginning of your courtship, not just in the last 4 months.
Personally?
I would decline sex when he is drunk. I would feel insulted that he think he needs to be drunk to have sex with me. While he claims " it's just in him." I'd call TOTAL bullshite on that.
Even if the sex is good while drunk, I'd just not be OK with it. At all.
And I think it needs another talk, to get to the bottom here. Because saying :"it's just in him" is no excuse I'd accept.
So, talk to him and don't accept excuses or dumb explanations that doesn't make it CLEAR as crystal to you.
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