A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So I've been with my fiance for 6 years - engaged for 3. The last two years things have been going downhill. Our sex life became abysmal. Lots of arguing. We haven't slept together in three months and we argue all the time. He was putting me down a lot the last few years and it just put me off him a lot. To the point where it felt like he was narrating everything I did. I was so frustrated with it and kept telling him to please stop and that I am my own person and he was acting like a dad telling off a child. I found it demeaning and unnattractive. He has provided my life with stability and we used to have a lot of fun travelling and we share so many common interests but lately with all the arguing he's been saying a lot of things that make me doubt if this relationship is healthy for me. We had plans to move to his country and start a family. I myself don't have any family support - I come from a broken home and I don't have a close relationship with any of my family. In fact sometimes I feel like I don't exist to them because we don't even talk on special occasions. We're like strangers. At Christmas me and my fiance had an argument because I said I didn't know if I wanted to spend our lives in a sexless relationship, always arguing with more bad years then good under our belts. He got angry we were both drunk and he demanded oral sex. I tried but I really didn't want to do it so I stopped. Fast forward to my birthday a few weeks ago and I was alone most of the day til he got home in the evening, I had music playing and was enjoying my birthday and he started arguing again saying did I see a future together. I said I just want to enjoy my birthday then he started insulting me and stormed out. I cried alone because he ruined my birthday which was also the 3 year anniversary of us getting engaged. I'm scared of starting over especially with no support. The few friends I have left are married and/or have kids and I had to stop talking to a massive chunk of my other friends because I used to do drugs when me and my fiance met (so did he) and when we got clean I had to get some people out of my life to achieve that. My fiance tells me I won't meet anyone better than him, that I should still think about our plans for a family because at my age he thinks I will find it hard to find someone else to fulfill that dream. Life is so hard at the moment and its getting me down. I love his family and friends in his country so much that it will hurt to give it all up. But all we do is fight and argue. Leaving means only relying on me and I don't want to end up homeless or losing all my stuff. So he says he will leave the country in summer and I'm terrified that my life will crumble around me. I honestly feel suicidal at some points because I feel so alone in life. My fiance has been pretty much all I've had for so long. I don't know what to do. I think staying with someone without wanting to sleep with them is a horrible thought. I want to feel passion in life not just I should do this because I don't have other options
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2021): Things will get better. You can find a better guy. He sounds awful. This is kind of random, but why don't you kick him out of your life and adopt a dog? If you get a cute dog I can almost guarantee that guys will come up and talk to you while you're walking it. Or if you don't like dogs, pick up some hobby that will help you meet new people. Best of luck!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2021): I will keep this a lot shorter than the others because I really think deep down you know the answer.Not only is he a control freak he emotionally abuses you as well by putting you down and talking to you like a child.He has so many red flags my eyes burn.Dump the abusive fool...You deserve better.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2021): I will say this at the risk of sounding sexist; but it is very difficult to advise unmarried-women in the 30-45 age-group. In most cases, they want to get married; and they're consciously aware of their biological-clock, because they often want to have children. Their mistake is often being with the wrong-guy for too long. Waiting for the day this guy finally decides to propose. Meanwhile, during all this time, they've convinced themselves this guy is everything to to them. The core of their life, and the center of their universe. Forgiving his worse behavior and tolerating his abuse, enduring the suspicion of his cheating; or taking him back after he has walked-out on them. Many are stuck in a cycle of making-up and breaking-up; year after year with the same guy. Fearing exactly what you've indicated. Believing they're too old to find another man, have a kid, they're too financially-dependent on their partner; or they're in debt, and intricately intertwined with his income.
I've been here with DC since 2013, I myself came here after somebody dumped me. Prior to that, I was with a domestic-partner for 28 years, who died of cancer. Grief-stricken, I just decided to be celibate; and stayed closely connected to my loving-family, and maintained a very strong circle of good-friends. I'm financially-secure, successful, and quite independent. After my partner died of cancer, I didn't feel like dating or pursuing romance. Inadvertently, I met someone. I fell for that person; then to my surprise, it abruptly ended without even an argument or some form of disagreement.
Yet, after all that, I found love again; when I wasn't even looking. It gets better everyday. God is the center of my universe, and Jesus Christ fulfills my every need. I no longer rely on people to fulfill me or sustain me; they are too weak, and full of flaws to depend on human-nature. You can only love them, in spite of their flaws; but be prepared to let-go when they no longer add to your growth, and are no longer willing to maintain harmony within your life. Even when you have to struggle alone, God is there to watch our backs.
The most desperate of women are those estranged from their families, had a series of failed relationships, or those who have relocated to foreign countries; where they meet a man and fall in-love. He then becomes their reason for living, and they'll put-up with just about anything in the name of love. That comes from not having any positive-example in their lives to show them what it means to use discernment, have self-awareness; and not to be dependent on men and relationships for their very survival. Relationships are partnerships, one partner should sustain and support the other. Not live in a parasitic-existence. Like a child, depend on the other to take care of them! Even a wife needs to know how to be independent in the event of unforeseen catastrophe, a sudden death, or unexpected financial-hardship. Being a full-grown adult at the mercy of another human being is the must vulnerable place you could ever be in. He could treat you anyway he likes!
You never allowed yourself to become established on your own, you were side-tracked by drug-abuse; and became emotionally-dependent on your fiancé. He shares history and recovery from addiction with you; but it seems you've become different people once you've become clean and rehabilitated. What brought you together is no longer there. That might have been the partying and drug-abuse. Now your true personalities submerge after rehabilitation, and you're discovering you're incompatible. Drugs lowered your inhibitions, and numbed your senses; so you were more tolerant of mistreatment, and lacked the self-esteem that now won't tolerate abuse and intimidation. Using drugs, you weren't fully aware of your pride and dignity. You let him be your guide, and depended on him for everything. Now his true-nature is more apparent, once you can see things more clearly. No more drugs to dull the senses and create an imaginary environment; where you were both emotionally co-dependent. Now you're financially-dependent, older, and terrified of being single and alone. This story is all too familiar here at DC.
You may still need counseling/therapy to help you cope; and help you both to make some emotional adjustments. Couples-therapy helps some people; but people who are financially-strapped, or don't have access to healthcare plans that include therapy and counseling are left pretty much in a lurch. They may opt to live in total incompatibility, or within tumultuous relationships; until they breakup, and are forced to leave each-other.
You are almost at his mercy. That means you may have to seek help through social services or charitable organizations focused primarily on women undergoing transition, or victims of domestic-abuse. You sought a man for escape, and to take care of you; thus you are unable to live independently. Well, my dear, that time has come. You can live bad all by yourself.
As mentioned, you may need help through social services; until you're on your feet. Staying with someone growing progressively abusive and even more incompatible by the day, can only drive you back to drugs.
You'll have to make a decision. For the sake of survival...forget about sex!!! Things are not going to be what you want them to be, just because you wish they were. Sometimes, you have to get on your knees and ask God for answers and guidance. Then chart a plan, take control of your own destiny; and realize that you can't base your survival entirely on being with a man. All because you're too weak, or lack the confidence to take care of yourself. Giving people that much power over you, means it will surely be abused! He takes credit for all that you are, and he knows how much you depend on him. Had you held-up your own weight, and not made him your everything; you wouldn't see him as the only man you'll ever have. Allowing him to believe he actually has the power over your very existence. That's too much for a former drug-addict!
Here's the deal. You will listen to his verbal-abuse and put-downs, until your ears can't take anymore.
Oh, how easy it is to start thinking of "offing yourself;" rather than seeking help.
Find a local church, or place of worship; and ask to speak to a minister, or someone to offer you free counseling. Offing-yourself jeopardizes the eternal-soul, and it is totally unnecessary. There are too many options to consider, before you make that your solution. You have access to the internet, now start looking for organizations that offer mental-health counseling, financial-assistance; or temporary shelter, should the need arise. You'll need a Plan-A,B, and C! You've got all the time in the world.
If he doesn't want sex, stop fighting about it. If he becomes abusive, retreat to another area of your home. Let things cool-off! You cannot make full-grown adults behave the way you want them too. You can only attempt to compromise, or use diplomacy. They have to be willing to work it out. He's growing more and more hostile or obstinate. Years of drug-abuse lowers your ability to manage your temper and control your impulses. You may not always handle stress or conflict very well. That means you now have to decide to grow-up. The truth is, you believed him when he told you that you couldn't find another man! All the other stuff about having no place to go, probably doesn't bother you as much as that! Well, your sense of survival will kick-in; and you'll do whatever necessity dictates!
You might have to break up, support yourself, find roommates, and stop telling yourself he's the last man in the universe who will want you. You're only desperate when you give-up all hope; and let a man convince you he's all you've got. You know better than that. If he has that power over you, it's only because you gave it to him!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2021): I don't think you should marry him, if you guys are already not getting along now, it will just get worse after you get married. Marriage is not easy.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (13 February 2021):
 It seems like your fiancé has also been a GOOD influence on you, as you are now clean of drugs and "free" of the "friends" you used to do drugs with.
I think you need to make a plan, for what YOU want in your life. And unfortunately #1 seems to be to be independent FROM him (financially and otherwise) and #2 end it and move on.
It might have BEEN a mutually good relationship at SOME point but it no longer is FOR you.
Why do you think your life would crumble if you became single? Do you think you HAVE to have a man in your life to function?
I mean, I get it, in order to have a family with kids, YOU need a partner. But more than having a partner you NEED a solid relationship.
When you mention feeling suicidal, all I can think is that YOU need to seek some help. You might have overcome addiction but you could use some help in the mental health department. (we all can) So perhaps, looking into a therapist or counselor. Talk to your GF and get a referral. Improving your mental health is usually a good thing.
As for what happened on your birthday? I think you were both acting childish. You aren't 5, you are 30'ish so while I get you want a day where you DON'T want to fight, telling your FIANCE - the man you have said "YES, I will marry you" to, that you just want fun and not talk about the future seems childish, but MORESO him wanting to discuss that particular topic on your birthday hen he SEES you just having a good time by yourself, it seems intentionally cruel - baiting you for a fight. And excuse so he could leave and not celebrate with you. CHILDISH.
If he wants to go home to his home country and you don't, END it - let him go.
You have until summer to get on your feet and find a place you can afford. If you don't have a job, NOW is the time to put EXTRA effort into finding one so you can TAKE care of yourself.
You have battled drugs and won! Think about that. You can handle being on your own. You say HE is all you had to live for but in reality, YOU are the one you have to live for and live with for the rest of your life. Make that life as good as you can. That might include NOT having him in it.
You seem to know what you ACTUALLY want, you hare just unsure if you can make it. I think you can. But I don't know you. I just know that people can handle a LOT more than they think.
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