A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My husband of 8 years just told me about having sex with another girl about 2 years before we got married. I was immediately tooken back when he told me this last night. I mean, why now? Why didn't he tell me then? I tell you why, because I would've left him in a heartbeat. Now we have a child and a life. To give you a little perspective we have been having some problems recently with other issues in our marriage that we are not in agreeance with and prior to last night we were trying to work it out. To give you a little more perspective his family doesn't even like me. Hasn't liked me since we been together and makes it apparent when I come around. My husband has always questioned me when we got intimate on whether I had sex with other guys prior to getting married and after. And I was like, No. I have never gotten intimate with anyone else but him. And to top it off, I always thought he was completely faithful to me. His cousins and family are very apparent with their love of drunken parties, sex and strippers. He always played it off like he wasn't like them. Man he took me back .... years back last night and re-emerged some of the insecurities I had during that time about our relationship. I don't know what to do. I'm just very hurt and disappointed. I'm so disappointed, and feel lost. I mean this guy was the world to me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2010): The reason why your husband wanted to know if you had been with any other guys before and after you married him is because, he was guilty of this. He knew he had cheated on you, thus he wanted you to confess first that way, if you had said "yes" he wouldn't feel so bad and it would ease his guilty mind and heart.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2008): Thank you so much for all of the perspective. The hardest part for me is leaving or taking the time off that is much needed to repair/mend things. My husband and I have been speaking about this issue every night and I continue to feel completely devastated eventhough it was a long time ago. I try to "let go" of it because it was in the past and he's a different person, but what comes back ALL the time is the feelings I had back then that our relationship was on the rocks and my insecurity was very high. He made me feel like it was all in my head, and that he wasn't that type of guy. And after all these years he says this to me. I know that I would've broken it off as I had been in other relationships where I've been cheated on, (not as serious as him). Everytime that happened, I always left, and got over it. And in thinking back to those days, and reviewing all that I've been through from this guy, I get hurt because I didn't deserve it.
I have wondered why I am not enough for him, and it has effected me mentally/emotionally and maybe contributed to my self esteem. I don't completely blame him as I need to do what I need to do to be confident of me and my faculties.
And what bothers me is wondering if I'll be able to ever trust him. Thank you so much for caring enough about my issues to respond. These really help. Thank you.
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A
female
reader, AskEve  +, writes (31 October 2008):
 This is all to do with HIS SEXUAL FANTASIES! Your husband has carried this secret for 8 years and it could be he's been wanting to tell you on many occasions, that's why he kept bringing up the subject and asking you if you ever had sex with other guys prior to getting married.
You mentioned he is very "riskay" and has wanted to set up sexual scenarios for you on past occasions to feed his sexual appetite which up till now has never come to fruition. I think the thought of you sleeping with someone else turns him on so much and during the height of your love making he blurted his confession out to you in the hope that him having it with someone else (albeit) before you were married, might have turned you on in the same way! It could also be a motive that by him telling you this confession you might pay him back "like for like", in other words go off to have sex with someone else just to get even with him and THIS in my opinion would be a big turn on for him mentally, whether the reality would give him the same turn on is anyone's guess.
He seems very sexually driven more than anything else and I think this has caused problems (for you) in your married life. In fact, I'd go so far as to say you have asked yourself on many occasions "why would he want to see me with someone else?" "Does he not love me enough that he'd like to share me?" This has broken down your trust in him over the years.
This is only the tip of the iceberg, I feel there are a lot of other issues in your marriage that you feel a lot of resentment about and these have been building up inside you for years. I would be happy to continue to talk with you about this through this thread or if you prefer, privately, if you want to email me on this site.
~Eve~
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2008): Dear Poster
Thank you for the additional information. I am going to be very honest here with you and am not saying or suggesting anything to upset you but merely my opinion based on my experience and knowledge, based on the the information you submitted.
I do think your MARRIAGE IS DRIFTING; your TRUST is affected, there is some serious COMPATIBILITY issues and the influence of the in laws a FATAL FLAW.
I personally suggest you should consider counseling; first you on your own and then if need be with your husband.
I think you need to take stock of the future of this marriage.
Things such as his lack of goals and ambition can ultimately have a big influence on your respect and response towards him; the history as to sexual exploring can also contribute towards resentment and dishonesty creates a lack of trust;in short, yes I think your marriage is in trouble and his confession is maybe adding fuel to an already smoldering fire.
You need to look at not just the confession; you need to look at the overall situation and you need to take stock.
Please do go to a counselor who can assist you on an individual basis to work through these issues. Leaving it and delaying it will just make your marriage drift further.
I don't think you must just let him off the hook for having lived with these lies; not if he has a habit of telling you lies; no I think you must let him sweat a little and you should speak to a counselor to work through your feelings, because, if there is not resentment already, it will develop.
Be careful, don't let him be to secured; because you are railing in the "big fish" financially and he can sit back reaping the benefits.
I am sorry, I had to give you my honest opinion and I see red lights flashing;please pay attention to them; please find a counselor to work through these issues with you.
Pay attention to the TRUST issues; COMPATIBILITIES; FATAL FLAWS.
You are welcome to contact me by private message if I can be of any further assistance.
Sending you lots of hugs and smiles.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2008): NO I didn't have a lover. I said that he set things up for me and he was the one who stopped it. I have never cheated on him. I've been faithful.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2008): I would say you forgive him because you also had a lover.
That way you both have the same weight to bear.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2008): Thank you for your responses. To respond to the issue of what had triggered his confession, it had to do with us getting intimate. We were pretty hot and heavy that night and then he popped out the confession when I was in the middle of (you know what). Anyways, I was immediately tooken back and thought he was joking. Do I have any reason to believe he will be unfaithful to me now? No, but I have a career changing event that will change our life dramatically financially and it would be a cause to know if trust really does exist. He's a very subtle type of guy, but underneath it, he's very "riskay". He likes excitement, like talking about future potential sexual experiences. I have gotten frustrated about it so many times and have told him that. And was so frustrated about a couple years ago, I pushed him to do it because I was mad. I wanted to pull through with what he wanted....but he couldn't fall through. He confessed he really didn't want it. But to this day continues to push me to become permiscuous.
I've tried to satisfy his sexual appetite by doing many different things and have done all that I can to hone in on his needs.
As far as other issues in our marriage, does have to do with finances, family, raising our child, and our future goals. With finances I've worked hard for the past 2 years and have soon to accomplish some work that will set us up for the rest of our life. So, I know finances are short term. Regarding family, it's his family, and the fact that they do not care for my daughter and I, and normally this might not be an issue, unless you were like my husband and very indecisive about our future goals should his family not approve, like religion, and how we raise our daughter. And as far as goals, he is not motivated to show the actionable steps to achieve or to begin to start to move towards doing something better for himself; whether school, or doing a hobby. And I want someone with goals and ambition and a drive that he had at one point in our marriage.
Sorry to air all my dirty issues, but hopefully this will put things in better perspective. I do take responsibility for issues in our marriage currently, but how do you start to get over the fact that he's had sexual relations. I would say that his personality matches so much more now versus a few days ago. It only makes me wonder if there's more that he's hiding, and that's what I'm afraid of. He can look very compelling and regretful, and not like this is the first lie he's ever told; he's had a history of lying to me about little things, to big things in various aspects of our lives together.
How to you garner the strength to want to work things out? How do I get over this issue when I know in my heart that should he have told me that I would've broken up with him. I think back to all the crap I've been through because of him (not like I'm perfect), and get upset. It may not be so much the sex part but the deceipt, betrayal, and lost of trust. Now, my mind is filled with confusion and curiosity...is there something else he's not telling me?
Thank you for all your input and perspective on my marriage.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2008): Dear Poster
I am so sorry; it must have been a great shock and disappointment to you; the truth comes out; even if it is years later. It is strange that he just suddenly confessed; did something trigger it? Do you have any reason to think that he might be unfaithful to you now?
You do mention other problems? Can you give us more information.
Your in laws don't like you; but what is your husband's reaction to that? has that caused stress between you and your husband?
I suggest you don't make any decisions now; BUT you go for counseling a.s.a.p; work through your feelings and emotions with a professional; then have a look with the guidance of a counselor how you can resolve your marital problems.
My thought are with you. Please go for counseling.
Best wishes; keep us posted.
Try to keep smiling.
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A
female
reader, ars07k +, writes (30 October 2008):
I'm terribly sorry about all of this. It is hard to tell you exactly what to do but I will begin by saying that it is ok if you feel hurt by his actions. However, it happened 8 years ago, so he is not the same person he was back then. But it makes you wonder how much he really cares about you if he can keep a secret like that from the woman he supposedly loves. If the problems you are having are really that bad, I would say leave him for a while. Seek counceling. It is very hard to cope with something like this and sometimes you need professional help. I wish you luck with everything and I hope it all works out for you!
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