A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:My husband of 23 years came home 6 weeks ago and told me was leaving in the morning as there was another woman, 20 years younger than me and ten years younger than him. After six weeks of living at his brother's house, and a lot of tears from me, he has decided/agreed to come back to give the marriage another try.He has told me he has been miserable for years and that he's fallen out of love with me but is very fond of me and feels guilty about breaking the marriage up.We have heavy mortgage pressures although we do have equity and he's in a job he hates but continues to do because he can't see a way out. Because of his job we've had almost no social life for many years. He's 48 and angry/sad because he feels he's wasted his life. He says the other woman makes him feel good and is good for him. He doesn't feel able to even give me a cuddle just now.Heartbroken and perplexed Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (8 June 2007):
 You know you have to talk to him about this don't you? Did you have any idea he felt so unhappy all those years in his marriage? You probably felt unfullfilled too but just soldiered on regardless. Relationships need to be worked at though, whether it be the early stages of dating or after 40 years of marriage. Here's an analogy for you. You have a beautiful new car and it goes like a dream. As the years pass it sits out in the rain, doesn't go in for MOT's and doesn't get cleaned, oiled or looked after in general. What happens to it? It rusts, packs up and gets thrown on the scrap heap.
If two people don't work at their relationship, nurture it and "polish" it from time to time, make the other feel good and look good for one another, MAKE TIME for one another, be there for one another, listen to one another, put the other first... then things go stale, stagnancy sets in, maybe one takes the other for granted, forgets to say how good they look or how thoughtful that was of them to do a particular thing. One partner begins to feel unappreciated, invisible even and resentment kicks in. I think you know what I mean....
The very fact he wants to come back to you indicates to me that he still DOES have a lot of feelings for you. You both need time together to get to know one another again and spend some quality time together. TALK to one another without arguing. Ask him when he started to feel this way and let him give you examples of times he felt unwanted. DON'T BUTT IN WHEN HE TALKS, just listen to him. You will probably be surprised at some of the things he brings up. Then you tell him how YOU felt at times. It's hard for us women at times as we have the house to run, sometimes a job to hold down, the kids to look after, shopping to do, laundry to see to etc etc, so it's very easy to "forget" about our other half and take them for granted but this CAN make them feel very unappreciated. Men are very proud and like their egos boosted from time to time, even in little things they do, so little things like "I really appreciate you taking the trash out for me honey" or "thanks for helping with the dinner tonight, I know you had other things to do" etc really does help.
Let him know you had absolutely no idea he felt the way he does, if only he'd talked to you about it. Tell him he's not wasted his life, he has 2 wonderful kids (for example) he's trained as a (whatever his job is), we have a beautiful house, garden etc, mention all the positive things about him to help make him feel better about himself. This other woman made him feel "special", he felt important, loved, needed, things that you maybe thought but forgot to display to him in actions.
You can both make this work, I know you can, LISTEN to him, let him talk, then you have your say (without arguing). It takes two people to make a successful relationship. If you can both see where you went wrong then you are well on the way to mending things and bonding closer than ever.
Eve
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2007): Poor love, I am so sorry for you, and for you husband too; I'm sure he wouldn't be so selfish if he wasn't feeling so miserable.
Two things need to happen. You both need to see a Relate counsellor as soon as possible, and he needs to find a job that makes him feel better about himself, or if that isn't viable, maybe an outside hobby or interest that engages him and makes him feel valued. He must have some time for a social life, or how did he meet and find time for this other woman?
And more importantly what about you? Your own social life doesn't have to revolve entirely around him, you know. I get the feeling that you are maybe a bit too isolated? hard as it maybe, especially now, look around you, see what resources there are in your local community for you to engage in, to occupy you and improve your self-worth.
It's horrible when the person you love doesn't feel able to give you a cuddle, I've been there, but try to be patient, don't demand signs of affection he doesn't feel able to give at the moment, and hold on to the fact that he has come back to try again.
It's a tough call for both of you, and there's work to be done; I really hope you can make it work together.
...............................
|
