A
female
age
51-59,
*inn
writes:My husband of 19 years told me on my birthday that he was at the police station and was charged with abusing someone 17 years ago( which he denies) since that night he told me we have not slept together. I cant get it out of my head. I have put on 2stone in weight, i will not go anywhere with him, i have turned into being angry, shout all the time, it hurries me even to look at him let alone sleep with him. Up untill september when he told me we were fine i dont know what to do. We have 3 boys 19,15,10 years old. Do i just call it a day and upset the kids or stick it out to see what comes out of it? I dont want to hurt the kids anymore than i have to,please help im going crazy! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, beentheredonethat +, writes (13 December 2006):
 Ok....So a girl suddenly decides to say he raped her when she was 16.
It must be a terrible shock....for him too.
But, in the first place the case is older than she was at the time.....So why is she suddenly coming forth NOW? I don't think it takes 17 years to notice that you were raped. Even if he were 100% guilty....she's going to have one heck of a time proving it. In the states, the burden of proof is hers...i don't know where you are. But no matter where you are....Hire the best attorney you can find...don't let some public defender do the job because he's free....with lawyers....you Do get exactly what you pay for. Why are good lawyers so expensive....because they are worth every penny.
Second....my shock is that you did not immediately rally around your husband and be indignant that such a good man could be wrongfully accused of such a terrible crime. See the fact that you have not, will probably be USED by her attorney and they will twist it in such a manner that..."Good grief if the guys wife is so certain that he did it that she kicked him out....then why should you, dear jury, think him innocent."
To heck with the counseling. You need to stand up and be by his side no matter what the facts or outcome. You can deal with your issues and counseling later....when he's free. Right now...you need to BE his family....you know the people who have to love you and feed you no matter what a Dumbo you may or may not have been.
Once the trial is over....then you can go from there....right now.....personally....any crisis like this is not the time to shut down and close off.....He needs you.
and just one more note...if you forsake him in his time of need....he's much more likely to not really care what the outcome is.....depressed people LOose in trial....it makes them look guilty to jurors....as does the family turning their back.
I know this is a horrible shock for you....and a huge embarrassment.....you just don't want anyone to find out...and you just want it to go away so you can have your life back. of course you do sweetie. But...imagine his spot. Especially if he Didn't do it. What a shock it must be to him to find out his own wife....thinks he DID. what must be going through his mind. He must be searching your years together wondering what he could have done to you that would make you so sure he was a monster.
Be strong....be his strength. Don't add another burden to what he faces now. someone has walked in and ruined his life.....even if he's innocent. at this point....she's the enemy...not him. Keep that in mind.
A
male
reader, Learning2Love +, writes (12 December 2006):
 Unless he really did something, was tried in court, found guilty and prosecuted... You should be the one asking for forgiveness...
You obviously need to ask yourself if your actions and thoughts were warranted...
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (12 December 2006):
 Linn Your response came at the same time I replied. Good luck with the counseling, I think you guys will be able to weather this storm.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (12 December 2006):
He just got charged this September for 17 year old abuse case? Wow, need much more detail this doesn't make sense.
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A
female
reader, linn +, writes (12 December 2006):
linn is verified as being by the original poster of the questiondear beentherdonethat, i must really thank you, he is accused of raping someone when he was 18 and the girl was 16,your reply hit hard i have cried,cried and cried but it got me wondering am i being to harsh,am i over reacting,maybe i do care what people think(and i should not)but it was still a big shock i never ever expected anything like that i just cant get it out of my head but i will work on it even if it means a counciling,this cant be doing the kids any good either they see me getting of the couch in the morning and must see a change in me(big time)i have spoke to him on the phone and i think he is overjoyed he even wants to phone and book some sessions for himself and us together(its a start but we will give it a dam good try)once again thank you,will let tous know how we get on, all my love linn
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A
female
reader, linn +, writes (12 December 2006):
linn is verified as being by the original poster of the questionno he has not been on trial yet he will be soon,and im far from being a snob,he only got charged on september of this year thats when he told me and it knocked me for six
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A
female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (12 December 2006):
 Im worried, why has he told you after all this time. Although this must have eaten him up after all this time, especially if he was inocent, why now.
Has something triggered this off, because you have been together so long, i find it pointless telling you now. Inocent people get charged all the time, but so do guilty ones. I might be jumping the gun here, but do you feel in your heart there is something wrong. I know if my B/F told me this I would believe him straight away. I think if you are that worried you should find out more, if he has done nothing bad, he wont mind.
He cant tell you something like that, then not give you information can he?
It all depends on what he was accused of really. you can forgive some things but not other's.
Good luck, I hope it's nothing bad xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2006): Excellent response beetheredonethat. I would have said something similar as well.
Over reacting to something that might or might not have happened 17 years ago, AND on top of that, you said for the last 19 years there hasn't been a hint of abuse in your family caused by him (assumed, since you said it was fine), but some how this has caused you to gain weight, and feel you can't be seen with him, and you won't sleep together with him.
Like beentheredonethat had said, "Do you really not know him by now....Do you believe he DID it because he's been hurtful to you and your children? If not...I just don't get it."
Indeed, I don't get it either.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2006): maybe this is what they meant when they asked you to promise "in good times and bad, for better or worse"
why can't you believe him? have you heard him out? if he's guilty, why can't you forgive him?
i'm the first one to tell a girl to leave the moment a man touches her or the kids in hurtful way out of anger. but in 17 yrs, you say your relationship with him has been wonderful. i'm sorry, but i just don't see what the problem is. why are you being so judgmental of someone you supposedly love so much?
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A
female
reader, beentheredonethat +, writes (12 December 2006):
Ok....I don't know what you mean by abuse, did he rape someone, hurt a child, or just beat someone up....or roll a bum? What?
Second no matter what he was accused of....if he'd been guilty....he'd probably be in jail or you would have at least Heard something about it...right. So he's more than likely not guilty.
And third....so your saying you have raised 3 kids with this man and you don't think enough of him to give him the benefit of the doubt? Gosh if your family thinks your a creep because you were accused of something....who needs prosecuting attorneys.
IT WAS 17 YEARS AGO!
Do ya think maybe he didn't tell you cause he was afraid you'd over react? Your even considering LEAVING him....because he was Accused of something?
Boy I would hate to live up to your standards.....
Because if that is what you call UNCONDITIONAL love....you really ought to get yourself a new dictionary.
And finally the man confesses his most embarrassing moment in life.....and you won't be SEEN with him???????
And you won't sleep with him......
Now if he has been abusive to YOU all these years and this is just an excuse to leave. Go ahead. but so far your reasoning seems alot more about you being a snob (oh whatever will my friends think if they find out) than about anything he actually did. Did he go to trial? Did he go to prison and you were too busy to notice? This happened two years into your marriage.....and so you would throw away 19 years and three kids home....because he was in a police station?
Wow....sure hope your kids don't make a bad grade, or wreck your car.....
If you cant bear to be near him anymore....I do think you should leave....Give the poor guy a chance to find someone who might offer a little support and friendship. Heck even if he DID do something.....17 years later is a bit late to be so put off by it.
Do you really not know him by now....Do you believe he DID it because he's been hurtful to you and your children? If not...I just don't get it.
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