A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My husband moved out 3 weeks ago to "pursue" employment in another state. He left me and our two daughters (11 and 14) behind to finish school year. He has hated where we live and his being unemployed really took a toll on him. He said he feels like he needs to rebuild his self-worth and self-esteem and then we can be together. I miss him so much and know there is no one else involved. The problem is he seems to be focusing so much on getting a job and rebuilding his life that he has cut off all emotion. I offered to go visit, but he wants me to wait until he "has accomplished" something. He said he loves us, but the distance makes me wonder. He also asked me to "just bear with him" for now. Does anyone have any advice???????????? It terrifies me that after 18 years together I have very little control over what happens.
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male
reader, PeterPan +, writes (10 October 2009):
 Let me add a little perspective on the male brain. If you cut out all the "stuff" (cars, houses, clothes, TV... you name it), a male's brain in relation to his family is that of "the bread-winner" -- He sees his primary role as the provider. In order to have his own sense of value, he "needs" to contribution to the family in material ways (not exclusively, but this is caveman programming left in his DNA that tells him this is what he should be doing). So, being unemployed for a long time is really going to be a test to him. To him, sitting around at home, not bringing home anything at the end of the day or getting turned down for interviews and jobs is really going to be a tremendous stressor. If this doesn't make sense to you, I'd go read a few chapters from "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" to get a psychologist's description of the male mind (more or less, I'm paraphrasing the book from memory -- getting the author's words would be better).
A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (10 October 2009):
It does sound like it could well be genuine, and what he says is true.
I think you just need to remind him gently that you need some reassurance that he misses you and wants to carry on in this marriage.
Jobs are very important to men, I spoke to a psychiatrist here in the UK once who says that a woman will say "I am a doctor AND a mum AND a wife AND a friend AND an artist." Where as a man will say "I am a doctor." All the rest is just a given. Remind him that even though he has no job to define himself by he is still a husband and that is the most important thing to you because you love him for who he is and not for what he does.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (10 October 2009):
Yes, I definitely agree with softtouch. I think your husband is unhappy with the way his life is going outside of his family and possibly he feels that to be a better husband and father he needs to do this type of "soul searching." I don't have a family of my own, but I know myself that being in a city you hate including a job you hate makes for a very miserable life, even if you do love your friends and family.
On the other hand, he is being a bit selfish. He should be taking you and your kids along with him, but perhaps he afraid of failure and doesn't want to impose that on you if you pack everything and leave with him. Maybe he just wants to get everything established and in a place where he feels things will work out before he has you join him.
I think the only thing that you can do for now since he is your husband is to just be encouraging and let him know that you're trying your best to understand the situation and that you'll back him up on whatever it is that he does. Hopefully in the end, it will make your marriage stronger once he's found his happy place and he appreciates that you were supportive of him.
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A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (10 October 2009):
 He's going through a lot of insecurities, self-doubt, and a midlife crisis involving career-rebuilding.
All of that takes a toll on a man. He's looking for space but in reality he needs your support. You want to help him, but he's so afraid to open up to you and admit this, that he'd rather run and hide.
The best thing you can do is let him have a little space, and maybe tell him that you want to see him just to make sure he's okay. It sounds to me like you love him very much and he's so confused right now, all he can do is sit at a distance and be alone.
Sometimes this works, and if there's no one else there, he'll probably come back on his own.
Its ironic because most men don't want to leave their children behind ever. They'll stay in a horrid marriage just to stay with their kids. Here, you have the exact opposite; the marriage seems good, but he's gone totally aloof right now.
Maybe some long distance telephone calls, and warming him up a little for a visit now and then might make him feel better.
One thing you can do is keep reminding him that he's number 1 in your love life. He's the man you look up to and you need to know he's okay.
Maybe that will help him feel a little better about himself.
But on the whole, the loss of a job and at his age, its very hard on him. After all this time he can't help but wonder if he's completely lost it forever.
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