A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Geez - where to begin? Suffice it to say that about a year ago I began a downward spiral into depression. (The triggering event was horrific, but unrelated to my marriage). Anyway, I am definitely not myself, anymore, nor do I adequately fulfill the needs of my spouse. I sought treatment at the 3 month mark - tried 3 different meds, plus a combo cocktail and it did nothing. I'm still in this dark place. It's unfair to my husband, BUT - I don't CHOOSE this depression. My husband is a sales consultant - so his office is at home. He doesn't have day to day physical contact with associate colleagues or otherwise. About 18 months ago, he was assigned a female partner (Jessica) to conquer unchartered territory. The worked one on one for about three months (meaning traveling together in the same car 3-4/x week. Never overnight. Anyway - my husband openly talked about her, chatted on speaker phone while I was in the car, etc. NO RED FLAGS. They were then assigned to the same division, but worked solo. This means that they never saw each other, but texting/calling was often necessary (as was the case with the 3 other men in his division). Six months after that (Jan '16), she's promoted and transferred out of the division.Yesterday, I asked my husband to hand me his phone so I could take a pic of the snow. I went ahead and forwarded the photo to my phone. That's when I saw a text from a person named "Lulu". I asked who that was and he told me it was Jessica - and that was a nickname that "everyone" called her. I noticed the text was talking about her "jerk boyfriend" and I asked him why he's talking her about personal things. His response- "we're friends". I told him that I found it inappropriate to be personally texting a female coworker that I do t know. He wasn't hiding or deleting the texts. They were all there and while definitely personal and not work-related, I found nothing to suggest infidelity. BUT - I needed to make sure, so I then pulled up our cell bill and found that not only was he texting her, but he was calling her (or she was calling him) 160 times a month! WTF?! That's when I flipped out. He immediately agreed that it did "look bad" but swore nothing ever was or is going on. He agreed to dissolve the "friendship" immediately. So, it's not a matter of him being defensive and calling me "crazy," but it's just a hard fact to swallow. So many things to consider. Am I to believe that 160 phone calls are "just friends"?This has been going on for a year. He has never called or texted her in front of me - it's always during work hours, BUT his office is here. So many mornings, the bill shoes him calling her from his cell from his home office. I effing hate him right now, and I understand that I haven't been meeting his needs and so he obviously found it elsewhere (just not sure how far if went). I'm not sure how to forgive this behavior when he adamently denied infidelity. I'm not sure I can forgive him. How did I MISS THIS?? How did he really NOT think it was inappropriate?? What am I supposed to do? Although he immediately agreed it looked bad, he didn't fail to mention what a horrible wife I've been for the past year. What does that mean? Sex is 1x/month and I don't spend quality time with him or the kids. That is all true. When I get home from work I make dinner and go to bed. I haven't smiled or laughed in months. I get it - it's real. I'm depressed, I just don't know how to fix it. But this question isn't about that - it's about my husband and his 160 calls plus texts to his female coworker.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2017): Hi there, I am sorry to hear about what you are going through. I have a few thoughts for you:I think that your husband is telling the truth that it was not a physical affair. Why do I think this? Because in all the texts you went through, none were incriminating that way. They probably would have been some sexting going on if it had gotten to that point. It seems to be an emotional affair at this point.Also he admitted that all the calling looked bad, and was inappropriate. It seems like he came clean about this and is ready and willing to change, as he told you he will stop the friendship from developing further. Look, do I think this is great behaviour for a husband? No, I do not. I think he was pursuing a stress-relieving companionship that felt fun and carefree. I think you need to look at the positives coming out of this: both of you have had a MAJOR WAKE UP CALL, before it is too late. For HIM: he needs to get his act together and be the faithful and devoted husband he should be. For YOU: you need to find ways to take care of his needs. He needs to hear you laugh (you say you haven't in months). Find escapes from reality and ways to see the humour in things together. Sex 1x per month is not enough for most men. Find a way to reignite your sex drive and ride him. Maybe you both need a vacation together, or an exciting adventure.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2017): So his wife is depressed and low. He shows his concern by having an affair? The only person he is helping is himself. All he showed is how immature and utterly selfish he is. I would never move on from this or trust this man again. You are going to spend your life pretending you are ok / not ill/ not depressed in case he strays. One perceived weakness in you and he's off hunting again? Does that sound like love?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2017): Your say your depression was around a year ago, and his working with jessica was 18 months ago. Its very possible that your depression is related to the woman. Even though you said tere are no red flags, sometimes i think our intuition is smarter than us. were you jealous of her? Did you feel like your husband spent more time at work than with you and the family? Did he talk about her more than about his other coworkers? Did he talk about her more than about you and your day, and your feelings? Because all those things can lead to depression, you didnt want to be the 'crazy jealous' wife so you let all that anger boil inside. And now you're finding something about this woman. Maybe they never had a physical relationship but it's indicative that you and your husband need to communicate more in general.
There's a great book about why women get depression - a lot of it suggest bottled up anger and lack of channels to express our emotion/aggression. I'd look into that and look into this issue with your husband.
Also, why didnt he ever cook for you?? Maybe if he cooked youd have more energy to spend with him and the kids.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (2 January 2017):
 I'm stunned at people's attitude towards marriage these days! One thing goes wrong and rather than try and work towards it, they look at the easiest way out... Fulfilling their desires by having affairs. Your husband took vows with you. For better or worse. And yet the moment things got difficult, he found someone to gratify his ego.
You have every right to ask him questions but remember, the answers will only hurt you more and more. Are you prepared for that?
You don't need to shower him with affection. Not At ALL! He's done nothing to deserve that and you don't need to go out of your way to "keep your man happy". You need to do two things instead.
1.) You need to realize that while your dear friend is no more, you still exist. You're an individual, a mother, a daughter. Forget about the idiot husband for now; there are other people that you need to live for and be strong for. Whatever you do, don't let your children suffer because of your depression because that will take a severe toll on them and their mental health as well. Your children should be your reason to smile. Don't deprive them of you.
2.) You need to ascertain the extent of your husband's affair.
Was it just emotional?
Why did he feel the need to get into this?
Do you think that he can be trusted again?
Assuming you're 40 years old now, do you really think it's possible for you to live with this man for say, the next 40 years?
Is he willing to accept his faults?
Is he apologizing to you unconditionally?
What's the guarantee that he's not going to do this again?
He bloody well not use your depression as an excuse for his affair because life is going to throw many difficult situations at you both. Is this is answer? This is how he deals with things? By cheating on his wife to feel better about himself and also to get away from her troubles?
Please do not and I repeat do not, show him any undeserved love and affection. Why should you? Because that's society's answer to being able to keep a man? And what about the man's responsibility? Why do YOU have to worry about keeping him interested?
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (2 January 2017):
 The other aunts have given you great advice. I'm just adding a tidbit of food for thought here. I wonder how Jessica's "jerk boyfriend" would feel finding out how much time and energy she's putting into phone calls and texts with your husband. It's funny how when trying to have an affair, the spouse or boyfriend/girlfriend suddenly is made to appear to be the bad guy in all of this.
Don't let your husband justify what he's doing. He's alienating affection from you is what he's doing, and he needs to own up to it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2017): Don't write a letter and don't wait any longer to discuss your feelings.Why let the resentful continue to build before it explodes?What is done is done already. You are angry. It will not change in 10 days. If you can't be brutally honest with your husband, then what is the point?There is no better time than the present.Never sit on anything. Especially something of this magnitude that could be a potential life changer.It will hurt you more to wait. Get it off your chest and dealt with as soon as possible. This will be good for your own mental well being. Holding onto it will be too hard on you emotionally. You are already struggling.I am saying that how you handle it could make all the difference. Yes, you are upset and you have every right to be upset but try to be calm and rational about it. Do not push him further away... or yourself for that matter. Remember that your depression and resulting anxiety and stress from the situation will make it worse. Try not to add to it. You are extremely sensitive right now and much more emotional than usual. All of this added pressure on your depression is going to make you explode. I know, I have been there myself. I have learned that fire with fire does not work. But compromise does. Mistakes are made. They are done. You cannot go back. And they cannot be changed. But you CAN change the future and how you react to things. You have total control. Take some pressure off yourself. Do not let this overwhelm you. Sometimes when overwhelmed we do things we regret. I would like to ask you a question. Do you still love your husband?Are you willing to forgive him? To understand he was weak. Do you believe he loves you? That he wants to work hard to earn back your trust and to rebuild your marriage? You need to hear him say he is sorry. That what he did was wrong. And that he is genuinely remorseful for his actions and for hurting you even more. He has to be sorry that he did it and not that you found out he was involved in an inappropriate friendship with a colleague. They are two different things.It is difficult for you because you are already dealing with a formidable opponent which is depression. And now you need to add this situation to your already difficult situation. You will need to be strong because what you have found out could bring you further into a downward spiral and even further numbness and apathy. Remember that. You could actually push him even further away if you allow yourself to wallow in it, magnify it, punish him and crucify him. You are also punishing yourself. You want to lash out. I understand but lashing out helps no one. It just causes more hurt and resentment. You do need to work on healing yourself and rebuilding your self esteem. You need to find your self love again. I know you are struggling to love yourself. It is hard. It's like you so wish you could go back to being the person you used to be before you disconnected from the world. But she is there. And she is worthy. Despite what your husband does or does not do. You are special. Love yourself. Give yourself a hug. Count your blessings that you are a mother to your wonderful kids who rely on you. So you need your sanity. Are there any hobbies you can take up? Any passions you have? I know that when I was down and out, I started to dance. I took lessons and did classes with groups. It really helped my self esteem and I had so much fun and met people. It was nice to get out and forget about the world for a while. Like your own happy place and really, dancing is the best therapy. Zumba is also something I would suggest. It will change your life if only you gave it a shot. Sometimes we need to push hard and step outside ourselves and fight those demons. It is hard when you can't get up some days. It becomes a vicious cycle. The more you sleep, the more tired you are. The more you escape the world, the more reclusive you become. The less you care, the less involved you will be with everyone who matters. We have one life. We need to live it to our fullest. Some people are given a diagnosis that they have a life threatening disease and will not see tomorrow. You can and will see tomorrow. You have a loving husband, a roof over your head, kids who love you. Please see all your blessings. Look at the sunshine of a new day. Smell the air after a rain storm. How lucky we are to be breathing. To be looking at another sunset and sunrise. The little things in life count the most. We just need to step out of our own misery to see them.I have a disabled child and I am on my own. I have struggled with depression for years. It has crippled me. I am still lost and trying hard to find my way. Most days I find joy in things I do to keep me sane. I have family and friends whom I love. I try to laugh. Smile a lot. I reach out to help others because it makes me feel good as I have gone through difficult times and hate to see others suffer. I look beyond myself because I see my suffering as selfish in a way. You tend to feel a familiarity with your demons and your suffering is also familiar. And you come to depend on it. And you give up. Because it's easy to succumb to what you know. Change and hard work are scary. But some things and people are worth it. Starting with YOU.Hugs. I sure hope I helped. Please don't hate your husband. He was going through his own struggles just as you were. Sometimes our grieving tears us apart. My marriage ended because my ex and I grieved the loss of the life we had envisioned for our child. Everyone expects their children to be healthy. We went our separate ways and never found our way back. It is not too late for you and your husband. You and your husband are both suffering due to the circumstances. No one is to blame. Not him and not you. Pointing the finger does not solve a thing. It only creates further division. Please find it in your heart to listen to him, to understand him and give him a chance. Do you love him? Does he love you? Then is that not all that matters?
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A
female
reader, Slippers  +, writes (1 January 2017):
I'm unsure if you mean both us aunts
So have had a very emotional experience I can relate as I lost my mother and then a my nephew , grief hits in waves and it is not like we go through this stage or that stage in a certain amount of time as that isn't how it works . Your depression is due a combination of things but certainly the losing of your friend is the root . I would suggest along with other approaches you can maybe use
1 are they're any free counsellors in your area ?
so make an appointment even a telephone chat if possible
2. Your husband is not ready to discuss this as yet he's on the defence
However he must realise that every action he does gets a reaction from you ; show on the other foot how would he react .
My advice is to write him a letter explaining that you are willing to talk you are angry and very hurt at how long this has been going on ,you have justifiable question that one way or another he needs to answer for you both to move forward . He needs you say to him to want to move forward . You need to say you may come over as hostile he needs to be prepared for this .. he hurt your feelings , he with held information from you about the amount time he was communicating with her .. if he were you ask him how would he feel . Okay he's deleted her out his life that is the first step
You need to be able to trust him . He needs to earn it .
Tell him you will give this 10 days and then you both need to sit down and calming talk about it .. he needs to be open and crystal clear and not defence . Your depression has nothing to do with it . What about if you had a serious disease this give him cause no and depression some people may scoff at but like any disease it is real ..mental real that doesn't mean you don't help yourself as I know you are . You need tone able to plan and get some therapy
Please let me know about the counselling ( if it's free in your area ) and write him the letter . Give him some time to digest and do not raise this until then try as best as you can to have a happy new year don't let this mar 2017 for you
He has deleted her .. do not write your qs on the letter wait until the 10 days or 5 have past to sit and discuss . Just remember to add that he shouldn't be defensive and he needs to let you know if he agrees to this .
We are here if you need us and I have been thinking of your and your situation and if I could give you a hug I would . Take care sweetie stay in touch
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2017): Hello OP.
I am not saying your husband is blameless. Just for you to try to understand the reasoning behind his actions.
If you hang onto the anger and blame, it becomes resentment, which means you will push him away further and closer to the other woman. Do you see that?
Sometimes we must be humble and put our ego's aside for the betterment of the marriage IF we really love our partner and WANT to pick up the pieces and make it work.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question To the way - you are so right in everything you say - so genuine, caring and helpful. You have validated me. It brings tears to my eyes. I won't use this depression as a crutch, but I sure as heck will not allow him to use it as a defense.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHonestly, I can't tell you how good it feels that someone else even cares - cares enough to reach out to me. Thank you. I agree that my depression isn't fair to him, but I refuse to accept responsibility for his emotional affair. He has free will and made a choice. Last night I spent a great deal of time going through the phone records. His behavior started a month before I fell into depression. Yes, it was triggered by the death of my best friend. So his ORIGINAL defense is unjust. He seriously went from a few (probable) work-relates calls to full fledged emotional affair in one month (PRIOR TO HER DEATH). We were "fine" at the time - going out, making love, having fun, etc. In one week's the me - he spent 5.5 hours with her on the phone!! That was last February. So the question begs itself...why?? I have so many questions about this affair, which, by the way - he won't let me call it that without flying off the handle. Why aren't you friends on Facebook?Why did you never chat in front of me?For someone that claims to see nothing wrong in the nature of his behaviour - he sure found it necessary to keep private! SHE is NOT his friend! Any woman that robs a husband's time from his spouse (to this extreme) is NOT his friend, or cares about him on a friend level. I really struggle with this. Any woman that robs that much time from a friend's spouse is not thinking of him as a friend.What the eff are they talking about for hours?? Seriously. I want to know. He doesn't want to answer questions because he wants to bury it and move on. Not that simple for me - especially when battling depression. I have flagged her number and will now receive a text message any time they make contact. He doesn't know this. I know I need to work through this depression. I spent nine months diligently seeking treatment. My insurance is horrible. It doesn't cover mental health (psychotherapy). All medical treatment must go through my primary doc for it to be covered. The one thing that bothers me is the suggestion that I somehow need to shower him with affection. That feels like an undeserved reward. This event has taken me from emptiness to utter destruction of self-worth. It's not in me, especially right now. And like I said, yesterday I felt responsible because I really felt that my depression helped push him into this affair, but it started prior to my depression. And I wonder how much of my depression was a response to his emotional absence (even though I didn't know he was doing this) there's no way it hasn't had a negative impact in the past 12 months. I hate him right now. My life has stopped. I have not told a soul (other than posting here) because I don't want him humiliated. That's why it was so cathartic for me to reach out here. I had to get it out. The next step for me - is asking questions. I want to know and I have the right to know - but he will be resistant because he wants this thing buried. Well, it's just not that simple. I need him to understand that she is not his friend and never was. I don't know what else to say right now. I'm so tired. Drained and void. Thank you, again, for literally being a lifeline.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2017): Hi sweetie. I am so sorry. I understand how debilitating depression is. It is crippling. You are so weighted down by the weight of the world on your shoulders that you don't care about anything or anyone anymore. It is like you are sinking every day and you just cannot come back up. A constant uphill battle that makes you apathetic and numb. It is not a choice. It just takes you over. So, you are not to blame. Ok? Hugs to you.But I am glad you have reached out here. You have told us you know you have a problem and I think you really want to fix it. You just don't know how. And you have tried.I think you love your husband and I believe he loves you. It's just that he lost the person you used to be. You lost the person you used to be. The wife he knew and loved. You have been absent. Missing in action. And we all have needs. In stepped this woman. At the right place, at the right time it seems to make your husband feel needed and wanted again. Less lonely. Feeling appreciated. Not neglected. Trust me, it could have been any woman. She is not special. She's just made herself available. Yes, you have dropped the ball. And I understand why. But it is not too late here. Ok? You can begin the new year by changing things and changing your relationship by making it strong again. By rebuilding. I believe this is THE WAKE UP CALL. I also don't think he has become physical with this other woman. It is an emotional relationship at this point. Which does not make it any less right. But that is what it is. You have caught it in time. That is good. Now, what I suggest at this point is that you insist he stops all contact with her. And monitor him for as long as you feel you need to. This needs to be the first step. Cutting all contact with her. She is like alcohol to an alcoholic so it needs to be cold turkey. There is no other way. Remember, that nowadays, colleagues in the work place are the most common affair partners as they spend the most time with your spouses. So, inevitably if there are cracks in a marriage, these people are on stand by and ready to pounce in order to take advantage of the situation. When there are cracks, people become vulnerable.Have a heart to heart, no holds barred conversation with your husband. Lay it all on the table. Cry, scream, vent. Be brutally honest. Both of you share your feelings. Have him tell you how he feels. Why he has been driven to be so friendly with her and engage in an emotional affair? Tell him you are sorry. Sorry that you lost yourself. That you haven't been there for him. That you have not been the wife he has needed and come to rely on. Tell him the woman he fell in love with is still there. She hasn't gone anywhere. She just got lost for awhile. But she loves her husband enough to work on getting better so that she can love him like he deserves to be loved.What you need to do is take care of him. So that there is no room for her anymore. Ok?But you need to start by taking care of YOU.You do need to seek out another professional. See your family doctor. Sometimes it takes time to get the right therapy and it takes several approaches before the right one is found for you. Trial and error. Don't give up after 3 months. You need to be persistent and be your own advocate. Ok?Try to plan a night where you and your husband can just talk and LAUGH together again. TRY HARD. Surprise him with a candle lit dinner one night. Give him a massage. Try to put your sadness aside. I know it's hard but reach out to your husband. If you make your marriage solid again, he will not feel lonely anymore. And he will feel loved again. Trust me, deep down, he wants to be LOVED BY YOU. He wants to be NEEDED by you. Don't hand him over to this other woman. In my opinion, she is pretty pathetic for what she is doing. She knows exactly what is going on. For her to be confiding in your husband about her boyfriend is a nice little seduction ploy on her part. She is reeling him in for the kill. But now you know what she is up to. Take her power away. Put all your energy into getting yourself better and reconnecting with your husband. I understand you are angry and pissed. You have every right to be. But do not let that anger turn to resentment. Try to understand why and then let go of the anger. Rescue the situation with LOVE and KINDNESS. Just like you, your husband is human. Just like you, he has made mistakes. Can you forgive each other and place yourselves on the same road together? The road to rebuilding your marriage? I suspect there is STILL LOVE there. Remember, love never fails. It's people who fail. I really hope I have helped. I would love an update from you about my comments if you can.It isn't easy but if you are willing to work on it, things can change for the better and you CAN find your happiness again. xoxo
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reader, Slippers +, writes (1 January 2017):
As a mental health worker I can relate .. depression is real and it sucksall your will out of you. Have you seen anyone about this ? As in to talk to make a goal/plan sheet
My advice to anyone is baby steps and focus and to find the root of the depression . Have you lost someone significant in your life ..? I need little more detail before helping little more .
My advice is to start small so .. after dinner .. get hubby to make you a cuppa and sit with the family for to start with 20 mins . Purchase a journal and write on how lucky you are and the things that surround you with love . Your children .. they need their mother .. look at them and think how it felt to bring them into the world how wondrous felt.. how it felt to hold them protect them .. think of all those silly little things they did and said get their pics and your and hubby start a scrap book .
You need a goal life plan .. to see a way forward .. shutting yourself doesn't make you bad sweetie .. I shed a little tear there.. it just means your not coping and you need to find out the catalysts.
Maybe we can help you find a way forward
Does that make you feel better about what your husbands done nope . He may not of been flirting but he's been letting someone closer to him without telling you and you were quite within your right
Are you going to be snissed at him yes .. do you need to work through this yes but I feel foremost we need to start with you sweetie and get you better and more you ..
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