A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I do everything I can to be a positive uplifting person for my husband. I Build him up always say I love you first and I am the affectionate one. He can be affectionate but only on his terms. I can never do enough to please him he is always complaining about how he busts his butt for our family "oh wo is me" all the time. I am a stay at home mom except a few months of the year doing seasonal work. We have no financial strain . He has a family that loves him and appreciates him a great job that pays very well a nice home that he comes home to and EVERYTHING is taken care of. I never ask him to do anything not even take out the trash. I let him make 99.9 percent of the decisions on where we go and what we do always consult him before I do something and still it is never enough and he complains about how hard his life is all the time. He looks down on me because my work here at home doesn't bring in money and he puts himself on a pedestal because he is the sole bread winner. I fear I could go get a full time job keep doing everything I do around the house and it still wouldn't be enough for him. what do you do with someone like this? Sometimes I just feel like I should stop trying but I doubt that will make things better.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2019): Im in the same boat I'm 32 and been married for 5 years today. Me and husband have been together for 8 years and we have a 5 year old daughter together. I'm a stay at home mom, homemaker, and seems like a slave. I love my husband to death but your life sounds like mine. He alwats throws is in my face about paying for everything and I dont do this or that. It is mental abuse and I'm tired of crying myself asleep and he has no sympathy at all for me. So recently I told him I wanted to get a part time job and he told me he is irratated and frustrated at me and I feel belittled cause I'm trying to help out and he says really now you want to get a job. Sometimes I feel like running away just me and my daughter and she sees it and it hurts her so it hurts me. I dont know what to do I wanted to be happily married for awhile.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (17 September 2014):
 Whom did you marry, Ricky Ricardo ? :) ... Ricky loved Lucy, no doubt. But always with a hint of contempt and of smugness, because HE was the talent and the breadwinner and she .. jsut a dumb housewife. That's why Lucy would always end up in some fix- she was forever trymg to show that she was " good " and valuable too.
I doubt you can unRicky your husband by now - bit you can get a job tough and bring things on a more even keel.
You see , I sort of see where he's coming from. If you lose your housewife job, all it happens is that you'll have a filthy house. If HE looses his job, eventually all of you could be homeless and starving. There's a difference.
Now, to prevent un uprise from stay at home moms- I was one for a few years of my life and I think that stay at home moms do an important job and give a priceless contribution , in emotional and psychological terms, to the good functioning of a family unit.
But, emotional and psychological don't pay bills, and guys like your husband , OP, ( and like many others ) do not value the intangible. They value and respect the money, and the money making ability.
Then show him your money making ability. If the experimenet does not work to your satisfaction, no problem, you can always quit and go back to what you are doing now.
But- attention please !- if you take a full time job, do not, I repeat, do not- also take in you the full weight and responsibility of cooking cleaning laundry and whatnot. Hire a cleaning lady to help you out a few hours a week ( is not THAT expensive, and a few hours it's all it takes unless you have small children at home ), and for the rest, do what would be your fair share ( taken into account that you already work outside the home ) let the other members of the household fend for themselves.
I think partially the damage is already done ,you trained yourself a high maintenance husband - , then again I also suspect you may have fallen into the perfectionist trap many stay at homes fall in. No, all does not have always to be perfect , immaculate, spotless, ready to be photographed for AD magazine. It has to be hygienic, yes, functional, yes. Livable, yes. That's enough. But if you are used, say, to polish everybody's shoes- don't. They can do that on their own without big momma thinking of everything.
Would that get you your husband's affection ? probably not, but his respect, yes. Unluckily, whether you realize it or not, you have been co-creating the current atmosphere. We teach other people how to treat us, by our behaviour and attitudes. Here we say " who turns herself into a sheep, the wolf is gonna eat her ". And if you always acted more or less like a doormat, well, doormats are handy, and we are glad they are around ro wipe our feet on , but we don't actually respect them, do we ? .
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2014): I would either get a job, hire some help for the house, or let your children and hubby pick up the slack or just consider leaving. First try not doing anything for him for a week or two and see how it goes. Take some courses or go back to school first, so you can get a skilled job which will pay well if you need to. Do things for yourself, give yourself the love he refuses to. Go on a vacation somewhere with friends/relatives/the children without him. I do think nothing is going to change him, he will complain no matter what you do, but you never know.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2014): He's an old fart from the old-school of thought. He was raised in a chauvinistic household where the father is seen as the head of the household; because he "works" outside the home. Housework and chores are considered "women's work;" and easier. You reinforce his behavior by being too subservient and passive in his presence. Encouraging him to feel "he's the boss." Downplaying your own importance for him, to make him feel superior. Now you've over-inflated his already gigantic head; and stroked his ego, until he thinks his excrement smells like a field of lavender.
Want to reverse it? Go take some night-courses. Consider getting yourself a well-paying part-time job; and hiring a housekeeper to come in a few times a week. Schedule lunches and outings with your friends; and completely come out of the shadows. Stand-out in your household. Give yourself what he doesn't give you. RESPECT! If he won't pamper you,
pamper yourself.
Stop giving him compliments, just smile/smirk with approval. If you disagree, boldly speak up; and refuse to argue. If he likes to give affection on his own terms? That was just your nice way of saying you don't get any. Tell him you miss being treated like a woman, if it matters. If he asks you what you mean by that? Give him the whole run-down.
If you're used to playing yourself down, walking in his shadow, and intimidated by his awesomeness. You may not have the courage to do all this. You just don't realize your own power and potential. You apparently are just as old-fashioned about gender-roles as he is. Must be really miserable. A lot of women hide in the pantry and drink or take pills. That's how it usually ends. Don't let that be you, my dear lady.
Grow some nuggets. I'm going to quote my sister on this one: "I'm too fabulous to lick the soles of mens' shoes, and too hot to stir a pot!" She means it!
Rediscover yourself. Ask him to take out the trash. Let him share chores around the house. Behave like a queen when you feel like it. Because you are!
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (3 September 2014):
 Oh wow… first of all stop being the one to initiate all the affection… let him come after you a bit.
Secondly, I would stop feeding his ego by letting him make all the choices.
THEN I would stop doing his laundry, cooking his meals and cleaning up after him.
Take care of yourself and the children. Tell him “I know you think I do nothing all day…so now that’s what I’m doing” NOTHING.
See how that goes.
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male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (3 September 2014):
 Anyone that has ever managed a household knows it is one of the toughest jobs on the planet and if examined closely the argument could be made that a well run household would rate as the hardest job on the planet. Every day you must do more and more with less and less. You get NO appreciation. Your life is practically programed,repetitive and demeaned by most onlookers. However, some men such as myself can no imagine life without a commited mate that slaves ale day lng to make my bed, wash my clothes, prepare my meals, organize my spare time, be my lover,etc. When you have a good woman you have EVERYTHING! Good Luck to you and you caveman.
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female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (3 September 2014):
 Yes, people who don't manage a household have no idea what's involved or how hard you have to work to maintain it. I really think you should get a job, even if it's part-time so that you can be financially independent. This is to safeguard your future, in case God forbid, something should happen to take away your financial security. Getting a job for yourself is safeguarding yourself for the future. It will also help in making you feel better about yourself. Maybe you are extra-sensitive to your husband's complaints, because deep down you feel a bit unfulfilled by your role as a house wife. With the extra money that you are earning, you can hire a cleaning service to help with the maintenance of the home.
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female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (3 September 2014):
 Hi get a full time job and make him share the household responsibilities and then he would understand your contribution. If this continues , you will become the doormat. He needs to see you as an equal and not the maid. SO I would consider getting a job, this will also help you gain confidence and feel like an equal when decisions need to be made.
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