A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for 16 years but we have been together for 25 years. We have 2 children that I adore. Recently after getting married I found out my husband was lying to me about things . I was devestated but he assured me he would be open and honest . Over the last few years I have become aware of more and more lies and secrecy mostly around money . I know we have joint debts that he has taken out but don't know how much . I know he is not keeping up payments . He will not discuss finances and hides all post. We hit rock bottom about 18 months ago and he assured me that he would be open and go through things and said he didn't want us to split . I kept asking him to go through things and assured him we could sort things out as long as he was open. He kept making excuses and would not go through things eventually I stopped asking . It has all come to a head recently because I have become aware of more lies and again he said he would go through things but has not . The other day I realised he had taken all my sons savings out if his account and had been hiding the statements . I don't know what to do I just keep crying and feel so helpless - I worry about my children please help
View related questions:
debt, money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (16 December 2011):
 Clearly you cannot rely on this man to provide you with information. You're going to have to take the bull by the horns and dig it up for yourself.I suggest you obtain a credit report for yourself, and if possible for your husband (without him knowing about it). You can do this online. That will give you a better idea of what's going on. When you find any accounts that are in your name or include your name, contact the creditor yourself and get them to tell you what you want to know.You might also want to speak to an attorney, as they may have other suggestions and means of digging up financial information.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2011): There can be alot of reasons why, I mean yea he could have a money problem but where is it going? If.u have joint accounts can't you see what he's spending on? What went threw my mind is this...he could just be a big.spender....he could have a gambling problem... Or he could be paying off somone, because he's taking a lot of .money out that's not needed....I say talk to him and try to do your own investigation with the bank...I have lied to my husband about money a couples times, but I'm a shopaholic! And I feel bad that I can't go one day without buying one thing...so he could be that tooNot saying this is ur situation of course but my aunt had been married for over 30 years and she just found out he had another child with another women, FYI the kids 16 years old! Any who's she also noticed he slowly took hundreds or thousands of dollars from her, Wich she's frying back from court...I no crazy senareo doesint happen usully, but hey ppl can be crazy....Talk to him! And be clam things will be figured out
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2011): this is not just about money therefore basic nuts and bolts advice like "review monthly bills together" isn't going to work.this is not about money. this is not about how many dollars were spent on this versus that. This isn't even about different philosophies on how money should be spent.This is about dishonesty, selfishness, deception, secrecy, betrayal of trust. These things have no place in a marriage. But they are in your marriage. that makes your marriage a toxic one.This is a marriage-breaker. I mean, it's already breaking YOU. This is because money is closely tied to LIFE. It's an essential resource you need to stay alive in this world. And his behavior is selfish and deceitful. Being married to someone like this is very harmful for you. So why should you stay in such a marriage, that's harmful?therefore I would take a long hard look at whether you should stay in a marriage like this. How can you live with a "partner" who's looking out only for himself? Is such a person actually your "partner" even though they claim to be? isn't this an insult to the concept of marriage?And what about your children? your husband is a shameful father if he's stealing from his own children. I dont' care if he has an addiction or what other mental illness that explains his behavior. Having an explanation for this behavior doesn't make it OK and condone it to continue. I suggest first order of business is you open your own bank account and credit card. no more joint accounts. You separate all your finances. That way you will be in control of at least some of your own money. that will make you less helpless and less powerless. It will enable you to take back some control of your own life which you have every right to. This doesn't solve the real problem long term, but it's a temporary band aid while you take time to plan for the longer term future and what to do about it. Then you tell your husband you've had enough of this. Some thing has to change. He has to stop this behavior - if he has a mental illness, gambling problem whatever, OK fine. Then get counseling, get treatment, whatever. That's no excuse. If he refuses, then I suggest you seriously consider if you should stay married to someone who will continue to lie and betray your trust, steal from your children and undermine your efforts to keep the family together.remember - other people's bad behavior continues on and on because we allow it. We allow it by continually absorbing their consequences for them and accepting the problems they create for us. Voicing concerns is a first step. But if it doesn't motivate the other person to change even though they know how much it hurts you and others, then simply continuing to complain while not actually doing anything else, is a continuation of allowing bad behavior.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2011): Boy I'm in the exact same situation. I've been married 11 years, my husband and I have been together for 18 years. About 5 years into our marriage I found out that he had been lying and keeping secrets about debts - debts he incurred since BEFORE we got married. Ever since then I have tried so many times to have open honest communication so we can solve our debt problem - notice I said "our" because I was willing to accept responsibility for these debts I knew nothing about since that's what marriage is about, right? you become one with your partner. And still he continued to lie and hide things from me. Each time I found out another lie about debts or finances I would get a little more hurt and upset. About 2 years ago I coudlnt' take it anymore and was ready to divorce him and he finally agreed to counseling. Well, we're still in that stage now, because despite the counseling I just don't trust him anymore. I'm up to my ears in debt, none of it of my own doing or decision. I've always worked hard in order to live a responsible life and now through no fault of my own I'm always going to be in debt. All because I married a liar, but I didn't know he was a liar because he was lying to me the whole time. And now that we're long married, I'm supposed to "stand by him" well I feel like I'm not married, I feel like I'm single and all alone in this world so I act accordingly. I don't feel like talking to him or sharing anything about my life with him anymore since who knows what else he's hiding from me (I simply stop asking about finances anymore) and I've tried for at least the past 6 years to be patient and understanding and forgiving only to have it all thrown back in my face over and over again. I'm sorry I don't have advice for you since I'm in your same situation. I just wanted to say I know what you're going through and I hope your situation gets better. Hugs.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2011): My wife also lied about her finances. She had a lot of debt prior to our marriage that I only found out about a year after we got married. We came up with the following resolution:* sit down and do monthly bills together, this way, both people understand what money is being spent upon* run credit reports quarterly and review together...this way, we can both track our financial healthI hope this helps you.
...............................
|
