A
female
age
,
*opoah
writes:I was out oftown for a couple of days and my husband found a porn magazine tha hadnt gotten shredded when we aed that it was t going to be a part of married life that we were embarking on year ago. I knew I should've shredded it when I found it a couple of weeks ago but my shredder was not plugged in as I had moved my home office to a different room in our home. I put it in the bottom of my printer cabinet to shred when I got organized. We came down with flu and I forgot it until the day before I went out of town. I figured he would not find it and if he did it would stay where it was untouched, keeping his promise not to get into the porn again. When I got home yesterday, I noticed cabinet open and the mag was gone. He lied and said I must have misplaced it. Kept up the lie til this afternoon after I told him how I wished I could trust and respect him and feel secure in our marriage because he was honest and valued himself and repected me and our marriage by keeping his word. He told me where he hid it and I thoughe had gotten it and thrown it out as I had seen im carrying something trying to not et me see what it was. He was carrying something alright, only part of the mag was where he had hidden it. I looked after went to work tonite. He had taken the other part of it and put somewhere here in the house or in his truck when he left. He has had a problem with porn in the past and does lie to me often, over the smallest to the biggest things. Our sex life has dwindled in the last couple of months and we have only been married a little over a year. He is 35. I am 13 years older than him, but carry my age very well. I have a very strong sexual appetite so it is not because of lack of desire for him. Our sex life has always been good and we did not do the same thing every time. We had a lot of variety and fun, or so I thought. How do I handle this situation without alienating him more and him lying about it again? I feel betrayed and am very angry that he has put his wanting of the porn over his word and has put more worry and distrust into my mind and heart. I cannot trust him and I do so want tovery badly. Help!!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2009): Hey this is the anonymous, first poster."He had alot of dvds and mags and would watch porn while he was having sex with me, looking at the screen while we were having sex, not at me."When guys look at porn normally they try to imagine it's them doing that to the chick, etc - so yeah, he was probably imagining he was doing that chick while being with you. -I can see a couple popping in a DVD once in a blue moon and doing something like this, but NOT TO HIS EXTREME.I seen a few posts similar to what you described, so you're not the only one that's gone through that. I don't know what's wrong with those guys, they should know better - it does nothing good for their sex life, if anything it turns the chick off of porn. "He had alot of mags and would constantly be looking at them, even in the shower."-Guys do jack off in the shower, not uncommon, but this guy takes it to the extreme bringing mags in there."I had my past been a bit of a player too, but m totally committed to him and our marriage. I am bluntly honest and a terrible liar. I feel a lie is a total lack of respect for the one telling it and the one it is told to. Word and honor is all we really have to define who we are in life."-It sounds like you're very understanding. You're more upset about him lying, which is a good thing - you're seeing the bigger problem not so much the porn but the trust issue."He had been player when he was single, never married before or even in a long term relationship until me."-Relationships take WORK. You have to WORK through differences and problems together, YOU know that - he doesn't. He's not a young man, mid 30's, is grown up enough. Problem is he's never been in a relationship long enough for problems to emerge where he HAD TO WORK THROUGH THEM. He doesn't have the skill set to keep a relationship going, he might be a casa nova in the bedroom, but when it concerns relationships, he's a virgin.You mentioned you had to shred porn, hide mags, he hid mags, look - you're not his mother. I'm not saying what you did was wrong, point is, you SHOULD NOT have to go to that extreme. He's a grown man, he UNDERSTANDS the problem, he just doesn't CARE to fix it."He has had a problem with porn in the past and does lie to me often, over the smallest to the biggest things."-This is bigger than just the porn. You need to reevaluate your relationship and consider if it's worth fixing.If you're scared of being alone or not finding anyone better, that is NO REASON to stay. You leave.To the extreme he's at with his porn, I'm sensing an addiction or he just doesn't give a damn about this relationship. Addiction, isn't an an excuse. The way I see it, if he was single, let him quit his job and lock himself in his house and look at porn all night and day. When in a relationship, porn/strip clubs, cause more harm than they do good, it makes your partner feel really inadequate. I'm sorry you're going through this, let us know, how you're going to proceed. And I'll never get over how someone will choose porn over real sex. Even BAD SEX, is better than stroke'n.
A
female
reader, fopoah +, writes (2 November 2009):
fopoah is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe had alot of dvds and mags and would watch porn while he was having sex with me, looking at the screen while we were having sex, not at me. Creeped me out. He had alot of mags and would constantly be looking at them, even in the shower. He stopped when we got married. I like an occasional mag or movie to get warmed up but not when we are in the act of. He had been player when he was single, never married before or even in a long term relationship until me. He has lied about things when truth was easier and says he always has always will lie. I had my past been a bit of a player too, but m totally committed to him and our marriage. I am bluntly honest and a terrible liar. I feel a lie is a total lack of respect for the one telling it and the one it is told to. Word and honor is all we really have to define who we are in life.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2009): I have to agree with the others. I personally dont have any problem if my partner watches porn and we sometimes watch it together. You may need to tell us what this problem was that he had. It only really becomes a serious issue if the porn is stopping your sex life and he prefers it to you. Porn is just porn..
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2009): OK, you need to calm down with him immediatly, or your going to cause what you fear. I don't know what "his problem was in the past", but I'm going to assume that he's a relativly healthy male, with a normal sex drive. What I sense is that he's carrying a great deal of shame related to using porn. The majority of men look at porn, no habitually, but occasionally. So long as his use has not become a true additction, he's probably fine.
What's NOT fine is that he's shutting down relative to having sex with you. I suspect that if you can become less combative and creat a safe place where he can start to re-build his trust for you (and you him) that you can foster a return to a normal sex life.
For this to happen you have got to stop all blaming, accusations and anger. I would suggest getting some counciling for yourself, and then work him into it once you've addressed things on your side.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2009): One thing, I'll never understand, what is it with women and porn?
The only time it should become a problem:
1. Is it obsessive, hours a day, hell daily, could be a problem.
2. Most people would disagree with me, but I think genres are important. If he's watching man/man sex or transexual sex or anything with animals, things of that nature, I'd have a problem with it personally. But oral, amateur, anal, maybe bdsm, lesbian, etc - just raunchy shouldn't be a problem.
3. Did he have a sex addiction a year ago (you mention it was a problem, I just don't know how big a problem)?
4. Is he really choosing masturbation over sex, all the time?
I think the occasional porn flick or mag, shouldn't be a major issue. If he's doing it a lot, then it becomes a problem.
Let us know, what happened a year ago..
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