A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:After 25 years of marriage, and during a horrible row, I found out that my husband had lied to me when we were young and told me that he was a virgin when in fact he wasn't (only 1 other partner). This lie has really put a strain on our marriage. I know that I am overreacting by being so upset, but I have always felt so proud of the fact that we had only had sex with each other.We have had our ups and downs over the years and sometimes he has made me unhappy, but I have always managed to forgive him and move on. Finding out about the lie just feels like the final straw and I don't know how to move on from this.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2009): I wish more women would come out vocally about this stuff.
As long as people think only men deal with this, then it will be dismissed as nothing but The Insecure Fragile Male Ego instead of being treated like an actual legitimate problem.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2009): Face it sometimes people lie, yes it sucks, but people lie to people they love. I am not condoning his lie, he definitely should not have lied about it. That being said, get over it! It sounds as if your anger about his lie has more to do with your pride than anything else. Maybe you should look within and ask yourself why he felt the need not only to lie about being a virgin, but also why he felt the need to continue the lie all these years.You seem to put yourself above him. You say that the two of you have had your ups and downs but you have managed to forgive him. Were you never at fault? Hasn't he sometimes forgiven you?Yes, you are blowing this out of proportion. I think maybe you have a lot deeper and more important issues than his lie. Look at yourself, how did you contribute to this lie? Take some responsibility! You are not perfect. His not being a virgin is not a big deal.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2009): It's a big deal to you and that means it's a big deal.
Your husband always knew this mattered to you or he would never have lied about it in the first place. Lies about sexual & moral things are betrayal at the deepest levels.
Get as mad as you feel about it and don't apologize for your hurt feelings. He is the one in the wrong here.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2009): this is a big deal to you and i think we should respect and appreciate what you are feeling.have you tried talking to the hubby. you both are upset and maybe now that the terrible fight is over, both sit down and discuss this. you feel betrayed and you always believed he was exclusively yours. now that you have found out it is not the case, don't just throw away 25 years. marriage like everything else must be continously worked on. have your cry, bawl your eyes out. its ok. curse him, get that anger out. but work with him to get past this disclosure. this is important to you and should be treated as such. i wish you well, shortly you need to make peace with this and move on. take your time "mourning" this disclosure, then make your decisions with the hubby. take care
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (27 August 2009):
 Last straw eh?
Sometimes we tell ourselves something is special in order to put up with the hardships it brings.
Now that has been taken away. Time to take a good hard look at what you got here. Just how bad is it that you are talking about the last straw?
You two lasted a long time and no marriage is perfect. Single life ain't all the nice either. Your choice.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2009): Think of it from HIS perspective. Why do you think he told you that so long ago? Maybe he felt guilty about sex with somebody else...maybe he WANTED you to be the only one. Maybe he wanted you to feel comfortable with him. Honestly, I'd say get over it. If you've had a good marriage then why does it matter? I know it may seem hard to get over, but you need to learn to ignore it. It isn't a defining factor of your relationship. All relationships are full of ups and downs, so move on with this one as well. But I guess it also depends on the severity your previous problems. If you are not continually unhappy with your marriage, then again...suck it up and move on into better days and stop putting so much strain on the relationship
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