A
female
age
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*alentine 59
writes:HUSBAND LEFT ME TO LIVE WITH ANOTHER WOMANMarried for 16 Years to a man I thought was my prince charming. We are both drinkers in fact he didn't drink when we first met I did. We were both married but we both got divorced and remarried before the ink was dry. In fact I had wanted to get married on the day he had been married on Valentine's day and we did. My kids went to live with their dad cause I didn't want anything to ruin my new marriage I had thought this was best. I was wrong this is when I started to drink more. I was very stupid. We had no rules no boundaries it was a open marriage I was ok with this. He left the church and became a drinker we were companions and I liked that.Before, he left I was angry and abusive towards him yes I hit him a few times with my fists, or a object mostly when he was sleeping Im not to drink but I do and im not a woman who likes to clean he did it the all. He met a woman 5 yrs ago that he went to high-school with she dosent drink she has her own business she owns her own place yes, he is with her and he at first said he was happy and loves her.He dosent drink 1/2 gallon of booze like he did when with me he is getting sober... However , he now is txting me telling me he wants to come back home Im wondering if it's the booze he misses. We have no sex live never really did. But he wont leave her.... He say's he is in love with two women... Im told that he will help me out with bill's but he never does something alway's comes up. The last time he came to see me he got a DUI going back home to this other woman. And the time before he came and left didnt stay. Im so confusedI had roomates to help me out with the rent. And was told if I got rid of them he would come back. Well I did and guess what no husband. I am at a loss, I am a mess. He is with someone that he loves and she is very beauitful she loves him. She will not marry him she wants him to help himself but I miss him and we txt everyday but still no husband. Lost and afaid please advise.....
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (3 February 2015):
 OP, if he has gone to rehab and is doing AA then even if you don't make any changes your relationship with him will change dramatically. Since you are not to make any drastic changes for one year into your recovery, it may take time to see it but it's going to happen.
How he reacts to things will change. He may no longer be passive if he was aggressive or vice versa.
Who he wants to be with will change. He may no longer want to be around people that drink.
Many things will change and the one thing he will learn is "put the focus on yourself" which means he will not longer worry about YOU or your relationship with him, he will do what he needs to do to take care of himself. This is a good thing for him and it's something you should learn too.
I wish him a lot of luck in rehab and I wish you a lot of luck deciding what to do about meetings. FWIW, rehab is good but the MEETINGS are more important. Go every day and go to different ones till you find one that works for you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2015): I think you have a bad alcohol problem and without you realizing it, that is the biggest problem you face. Bigger than the fact that your husband left you for another woman.
You place all the importance in your life on your immediate gratification without thinking of much else. Your first duty and priority is as a mother. Yet you pushed your kids to the side so that you could enjoy this lifestyle with your new husband. And it is a lifestyle fueled by alcohol and characterized by decadence and chaos.
You are engaging in behaviors that are unacceptable. You do not physically assault somebody for any reason, whatsoever. Not only is that a horrible thing to do and an unbecoming way to behave but what if you threw something at him and it hit him in a sensitive area or you pushed him and he hit his head on the side of a table and he died? Or got seriously injured? Did you ever think of that?
Even if so far, your abuse has caused nothing worse than a bruise, consider yourself lucky and nothing more! What you have done is a crime. You could've easily ended up in jail with a domestic violence charge. That's no laughing matter and quite a headache to deal with.
You are not thinking straight. You need to get your life in order and your priorities straight. Therapy and an alcohol rehabilitation program would greatly help you and is exactly what you need. And I think it is the only thing that would help you.
This guy left because he is trying to fix himself. You should do the same. Focus on fixing you. Because your lifestyle choices are very detrimental.
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A
female
reader, valentine 59 +, writes (3 February 2015):
valentine 59 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all of your advise. WiseOwlE He works, he has a income, but wont take the time to see me he say's he dosent want to get hurt. Cant afford it. What about me. He is to take care of me. Pay the rent!! And now nothing... Excuses all the time. I was hoping he would come back for our wedding anniversary but it's not going to happen. He is in rehap now...Well good for him... After all of this yes Im thinking of going to a AA Class and see what happen's. Im just alone and very sad. But thank you for your words.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (3 February 2015):
Dear Valentine 59,
I feel your confusing and your pain. My husband is completing his first 28 days of alcohol rehab as we type. Being clean and sober is a gift to himself and to our marriage. I told him he had to make a choice; me or the alcohol. He chose me. Yes there are times he says "i have no choice" but he does. SO DO YOU. DO YOU LOVE YOU? You should. TAKE CARE OF YOU.
If your husband (has he filed for divorce yet?) gave you the choice of getting sober and being with him or being alone with your alcohol which would you choose? Are you even willing to consider getting sober for you? You have to do it for you since he may not come back but I'd love for you to consider doing it.
I have to be honest if my spouse said he didn’t want to quit drinking he would be getting a divorce.. no one wants to subject themselves to abuse from a drunk.
He tells you what you want to hear to keep you on a string feeding his ego.
BOTH OF YOU need professional help. I suggest you start with Alcoholics anonymous and you can also do Al-anon which will help you learn to detach from him as you have multiple issues of alcohol abuse, physical abuse, probably emotional and mental abuse as well as other underlying issues that can only be addressed by a professional.
You are probably co-dependent and you are an addict. Addictions are hard.
Your post is all over the place as I am sure your mind is. THE BEST THING you can do is to TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. Getting sober is hard work but if you are drinking at your age ½ gallon of booze a night you are killing yourself slowly. Don’t you want to enjoy grandchildren? Do you want them to remember you? Because I can assure you that if you continue as you are continuing their memories will be bad if they are old enough to remember or they will have none... both are sad.
IF you want me to find an AA group for you privately because you feel paralyzed doing it yourself send me a private message and I will help you.
THIS post may appear to be about him (to you) but what it is clearly is about you... YOU can't fix him or your relationship with him until you fix yourself.
You can't fix yourself until you are at rock bottom. What's your rock bottom?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2015): Wow I think you need to get yourself some help and not worry about any man at this point in time. You didn't want anything to ruin your marriage so you pushed your kids on your ex? That sure speaks volumes about your priorities and seems they were screwed up since day one. Get yourself some help as everyone has said, and forget this guy.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2015): You need to get help with your drinking. Your "husband" needed a place to live. Maybe he doesn't really love you; so he has found someone else. He just needs a place he can hide-out now and then, and do his drinking. He got into trouble with a DUI, and she's probably kicking him out. That's why he suddenly wants to be with you. He probably has no job, he's homeless, and has no income right now.
He's so screwed up, he just walked out on his marriage to another woman.
His new woman doesn't approve of his drinking. You do. So he will go back and forth between the two of you. With him around, your drinking only makes you both worse. What you're calling a marriage is a messy drama.
Your drinking has rendered you helpless, selfish, and lonely. You are emotionally-dependent and attached to a transient husband, you are abusive to. You even sent your own children away, just to be with him.
The children were not a threat or any danger to your marriage. The alcohol is.
You left out a huge chunk of the story, by not explaining how having your children around would ruin your marriage. How about reading your own post and giving that some thought?
He is now roaming between you and another woman. So now you are again reshuffling your life to take him back. You are living your life in desperation and confusion. Mostly because of your drinking.
You don't really explain why you need him back. How do you improve his life? How does he improve yours? What is your marriage about?
He left you for someone else because life was about nothing but alcohol. You aren't going to be any happier, or feel any safer with him around. You might even end up injuring him, and being charged with domestic-violence. You haven't changed. Worse than that, you didn't ask anything about getting help for yourself. This is about getting a man back, who ran away from you.
Sometimes we mature-folk reach an age where we are stubborn and just don't listen to reason. Years of experience behind you, and you don't see the problem? You came to DC looking for someone to tell you how to get the man back you drove out of your home with drinking. Only, he has a drinking problem too, so he wasn't helping you. You were both miserable together. He was a person you were hitting and attacking in his sleep! If he's smart, he will stay away.
You are a mature woman who should be focusing on cleaning up your life. He can't save you from yourself. You're worse when he's with you. You don't really help each other at all.
You'll bring him back to the old life of fighting and alcohol-abuse. You'll both spiral downward together.
Stop trying to get him back and work on getting your LIFE back.
Get alcohol-abuse counseling and sober-up. Get your family back, and let him go. Until you are sober, you will not find your happiness. He can't give it to you. Sorry, but a marriage is the last thing you need. Treatment in an alcohol sobriety program would improve the quality of your life more.
My prayers go out for you, my dear.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (3 February 2015):
 I think he will run back and forth between you two. He's trying to quit alcohol so he doesn't lose her. Then when they have arguments he runs back to you drinking. Because of him you lost contact with your children. Now he wants you to give up roommates (which are your income support) so he could have undisturbed sex and binge drinking sessions. He's totally self serving. You are still having an open relationship with him. He's playing a game with you two. The other woman has faith that he would straighten himself up but he's just buying time until both women give up on him. He's not leaving you for her. He's trying to hurt you to comply to his wishes forever. Don't fall into a trap, a competition because it isn't. He is not a prize to be won at all. I think you should get new roommates and start divorce proceedings. He's a lost cause, and to be avoided too.
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