A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:We have been together for 9 years and married for 3 ,He moved out 4 weeks ago into a flat so i could move back in the house, he has suffered with depression in the past and has ups/down mood swings etc Since the beginning of this year have had quite a few arguments over the past couple of months and he started to be abit distant too, we have been trying for a baby since we got married and nothing was happening so this was getting me down and my job was too so i changed my job this year .He came home one day from work and said i cant do this anymore , i started to ask why and various questions as i went into panic mode and he turned away from me and said i dont love you nomore and that was it , i got my stuff and went to my parents for the next 4 wks , in the meantime i did all the usual text and calling but no joy , then found out after we had split up he started to text and speak to a girl 11 years younger from work , he told me there was nobody else and he has lots of female friends at work , which i know he has , but he did say months ago to me that a young girl at work said if he wasnt married she would ask him out ?i just dont know what to do i have started to file for divorce but dont want it to be over lost 20ibs in8 wks ,i could right so much more/details etc about what has been going off,if anyone can advise or tell me where i can speak to someone to help me and go into more detail would appreciate it I havent called him in 3 weeks or texted him , he has contacted me about mail and solicitors stuff
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at work, divorce, girl at work, moved out, split up, text, trying for a baby Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSince my original post , things have changed i still havent contacted him ... but he has me alot more about random things bank accounts, asking about our dogs offering to come and finish diy off which i find all very strange and then the odd text saying hope im ok and take care....
he has finally sent the consent order back only took him a month to sign and return it
I did see him when he came for some of his belongings the other week and spoke casual to him but hardly then he starts calling and leaving me voice messages the otherday after calling 3 times saying he couldnt understand why i wasnt answering and that he wasnt bothered if i had another guy , and then another saying dont know where you are or who your with but can i please call about solicitors
I am trying to be so strong but i just dont understand why he has done all the above ????
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2010): just be honerest to him if this dont work get some one who will love you the way you desurve and treat you the way you should be i think you loverly so if he wants to be stupit let him go john
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJilly,
thank you for your responce, i would like to discuss more in detail about the despression can i have your details to send over private thanks
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2010): I feel for you so much, and NO I am not going to tell you to stop feeling, or get on with your life, plenty more fish in the sea, I've heard it all, and mostly are about putting on a hard front, as some people see feeling emotion somehow inferior. And trust me this has nothing to do with dignity, there is nothing wrong with loving someone, even if on occasions it is not reciprocated. There are many situations that are turned around, marriages do go through bad patches, and eight weeks is very early for you to be giving up hope, or love you feel for your husband. If one was to stop fighting for their marriage at such an early stage ( 8 weeks ) that is not what marriage is about, and many more would fail at the first hurdles. This doesn't mean losing one's dignity, it means having integrity and trying as much as possible to keep the vows you once took together.Now from your message, your husband seems to be suffering from quite a deep depression, having suffered over some months, which can effect a relationship a great deal in all kinds of ways. When I'm counselling couples where one partner is suffering from depression, it always takes a little longer to see results. Has your husband had treatment for his depression either by medication or counselling? Do you know the cause of his depression..sorry about the questions, but it's important to establish IF he has any help, or would seek guidance. And on top of all this you were trying for a baby, then changed jobs..ALL this is hugely stressful, so it's no wonder things have cracked, got to break point.Eight weeks is very early in the stages of someone saying they don't love you any more to take it as set in stone,especially IF he is still suffering from depression. I suspect his depression is driving force in all this, as he's not coping with things as well as he could be in life. Now my advice, give him some space, as hard as this will be, gosh, I know only too well what that is like, but by giving him space and making no contact for a while, will allow things to calm down between you, as at the moment, they are at an emotional high. I have a chapter in my book I published last year on ' re-kindling your relationship ' IF you contact me, I will willingly send it to you.The other thing I want to say - please try to look after your health, yes I know you have lost your appetite for food and life, I understand..but even if you try to eat very small amounts, little and often, you must try, please. 20lbs is a lot of weight to lose, and over the next few weeks you can start to make plans to feel better, look better, so IF and WHEN you get the chance to talk calmly to your husband, not only will you be stronger physically, but you will look good too.Lastly...feelings and love are not turned on and off like a tap, and anyone to expect or advise one to move on without exploring and going through all those emotions, are the people very often who end up cynical, don't open up, are closed emotionally or carry baggage not dealt with, into another relationship.So take care, get some sleep, eat, and deal with every day as it comes, some will be rough, some rougher, but some will be better, then better still..it's all part of it. Perhaps you might like to see your GP and talk things through, whatever happens I wish you the very best.Jilly x
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2010): I think your huband is being selfish nor is he going in the right path. Nevertheless I would ask you to pray to God. His thoughts are higher than ours,.. right?? and He always wants our good. And don't run behind ur husband .. Pray for him too. Take care. I will keep you in my prayers..Ben
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A
female
reader, raiders  +, writes (28 June 2010):
 When your husband chose to leave you at that point he was thinking on just himself and did not put any thought in you, at this point you have to do the same. It will be hard but don't loose your pride begging and crying just pick yourself up with dignity. I know its easier said than done but many have walked that path and they survive. I wish you luck and think on yourself first, move on.
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