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anonymous
writes: Dear Cupid,I don't know where to start really, as my friends seem to think this isn't a problem when I've tried to talk to them about this, and to quote them 'that's what marriage is all about and I'm very lucky he wants to do everything with me or for me, as their husbands certainly aren't that thoughtful'.I don't think I love my husband. If I had to describe him to anyone, he may seem perfect and he probably is, for someone else, cos It's driving me absolutely mad.1) He is THE most considerate person you could ever meet2) He absolutely adores me and tells me he loves me all the time and tells everyone how great I am3) He agrees to do anything I want to do4) He's 6' 5" and not in bad shape at all5) His family fall over themselves to do anything for me (just like him)6) He only has a couple of friends and doesn't like going out much (infact about 4 times a year). I have lots of friends and go out every month7) If I want to go for a walk, he says he'll come with me8) If I want to go round the shops, he says he'll come with me9) When I'm doing my coursework, he wants to sit in the same room and go on his laptop :-( Aaargghhh!!!!9) ... you get my driftWe've been together for 9 years and I thought at least it would wear off a bit by now, but he's stifling.I have spoken to him, but everything hurts his bloody feelings. He continually wants sex and I find I purposely go to bed later than him and get up earlier than him, cos if I don't the hand comes over and I feel like saying 'Oh for f***sake leave me alone'.I honestly don't want to be with him anymore. I feel like just telling him to go and find someone else who he would be happy with, someone who wouldn't take all this 'nice stuff' in a bad way, he deserves someone much nicer than me.Please help what can I say to him. I'm getting to the point I've been looking at houses to buy on my own with the 2 kids (15 and 17). They're not his children but we've obviously all lived together for 8 years now.This must be a really weird situationJL Reply to this Question
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reader, changeiseverything  +, writes (6 June 2010):
yes, as stated please do work on yourself...and yes...give your husband a chance and have him read this book immediately "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Robert Glover, He's codependent and needs to see a therapist...so very common...he just needs to remember how to be a man...he's learned some bad habits that need mending...you can help with this. He has to read this book...the man you want is in there he just thinks that taking care is what makes people stay...
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male
reader, changeiseverything +, writes (6 June 2010):
yes, as stated please do work on yourself...and yes...give your husband a chance and have him read this book immediately "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Robert Glover, He's codependent and needs to see a therapist...so very common...he just needs to remember how to be a man...he's learned some bad habits that need mending...you can help with this. He has to read this book...the man you want is in there he just thinks that taking care is what makes people stay...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2005): Hi JL,I realize that your posting is several months old now - six actually! - and I hope that you've since found a way to resolve the problem you were having. Either way, your posting has been popping into my head at odd moments since I first read it, so I guess I'll go ahead and add my 2 cents, for what it's worth... It's hard to know for sure what's happening after having only heard one side of things, but I feel strongly that someone should point out the fact that your husband may simply be emotionally dependent on you in a way that you find smothering. That doesn't make him wrong, but it also doesn't make YOU wrong - or "not as nice" as he deserves. I think different people have different feelings about when "close" becomes "suffocating". If you are more comfortable than he is spending time apart that may just be a difference in the expectations you have of your relationship and not a sign that you don't love him "enough". Maybe that's a way to approach the subject with him that doesn't make either of you out to be wrong, just different, and it will be easier to compromise without anyone feeling too hurt.Take care.
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (11 January 2005):
 Hi JL,It's only a weird situation to other people; being in it must feel like absolute hell, since his behaviour as you describe it sounds really wonderful, yet you find it increasingly intolerable. I'm serious when I say you have my sympathy.Please don't think that I'm about to dump on you, JL, but I think the problem is that your husband loves you, but YOU don't love you. If you look back over your list, you'll see that every one of your points involves you trying to move away from him and him trying to move closer. He moves closer and you move away, which makes him take another step closer. It's a vicious cycle and it ends up with you hating yourself for resenting him. The sex issue is part of the same, larger problem, which is - in your own words - that he deserves someone much nicer than you.Ask yourself, why do you think that? You've been together for long enough that he has gotten to know your faults and they doesn't seem to matter to him. He clearly has a lot of affection for you and seems very sincere in wanting to be with you (even though it feels like smothering to you right now). Your husband chose you, out off all the women he knows, so there must be something attractive and special about you.I suggest that you need to work on why you're so unhappy with yourself. Why don't you think you're worth his love and attention? Has something changed in your life in the last 8 years? For example, maybe now that your kids are growing up, you're feeling the urge to cut loose and travel or go back to school..? Are you attracted to someone else? Are you dissatisfied with some aspect of your life, like an boring job, for example?The other thing that you have to do is get some time to yourself, so that you can learn to see what's great about your husband again. Since you say that "everything" hurts his feelings, you really need to choose your words and body language carefully when you tell him that you need to have some scheduled time away. You need to explain to him that you're feeling unhappy with yourself recently and that one of the ways that's showing up is that lately, you don't feel very loveable. (He will have noticed already, guaranteed.) However you choose to approach it, be sure that you're not making it a judgement of him, but try to arrange some time, every week, and with his approval, to do something without him. Dinner and a movie with friends, or a night visiting with family, or some other activity that lets you have some breathing space. Explain to your husband that you know he loves you, but that lately you're feeling too crowded and that you need some time alone. When you get back from your time off, make a real effort to tell your husband what you did and how much you enjoyed it. He'll want to know that your "time out" isn't a way to play up, so be sure that you show your affection and appreciation to him.It's going to be hard to do, I know, but after 8 years, your husband deserves the best shot you can give it.
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