A
female
age
41-50,
*poco
writes:So I have a problem. My husband has this girl at work who likes him. He admits now that she has a crush on him, and that they flirt. I found out about her a few months ago, and the fact that he had been having lunch with her (and sometimes some other people).Although he had told me about those lunches in detail, he totally left her out. And he acted strangely when he finally admitted she was there. So, I was upset. Only because he had described these lunches in particular in detail and never mentioned her for months. Finally, I got over that, he told me he didn't really like her, and they weren't good friends. Perhaps? Then, I noticed she became his friend on many social network sites (facebook, flickr..etc). He has very few friends from work on these sites. So I asked him about it, and he said they were becoming good friends. Awesome, I thought. But, I ignored it. Then, she blocked me on facebook. I am not friends with her and have never communicated with her in any way. But, she blocked me. This really bothered me, and after this my husband admitted she probably has a crush on him. Now, she is organizing an event after work and my husband is going. I am just so upset. I want him to kick her off his facebook friend list and not go to this thing. But, he won't do either. He says he wants to see the other people there, and he doesn't want to kick her off his friend list. He refuses to do either thing. What do I do? He swears he doesn't like her, says she has a big butt. But, he makes no effort to push her away apparently, he just encourages her. I am so frustrated and I feel that my feelings are not important at all. I don't understand why he is so accommodating to her and not to me. And, now he is angry at me because I am upset by all of this. He says I am the one making his life hell, and he doesn't give my feelings any credit. I feel like I am at my wits end. Why I am the bad guy here? Am I just over reacting? I don't know what to do.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2011): He is having an affair with this woman. It may or may not be a physical one, but it is defintely an emotional affair. As his wife, you have every right to insist that he not see her for the sake of your relationship. If it was just a matter of them being friends, he wouldn't have lied. Don't allow him to make you feel like the bad guy and don't let him tell you how "insecure" you are being. These are tactics that men use to make you feel terrible and make them feel justified in continuing their behavior. Since he is refusing to act on behalf of your relationship then I would move out and file for a separation. You don't have to take this *isht.
A
female
reader, chocoholicforever  +, writes (21 February 2011):
in light of your other details, I think now that this female friend is not the real problem. the real problem is that your husband has zero respect for you. No wonder he has complete disregard for your feelings, it's because he feels so contemptuous towards you. I don't know how your relationship got be that way, but I think that's the main problem. the issue of this female friend is just one result of that, and it won't be the last one either even if you managed to 'get your way' about him not going to her event or taking her off his facebook or not flirting with her. He just doesn't have respect for you or the marriage so of course he sees no reason to hold back from doing things that hurt you. So what you should be focusing on is how did the relationship get to be this way and can it be reversed?
I think you might want to see a marriage counselor to try and sort out your relationship and why he has such little regard for your feelings and has so much contempt for you.
And no you should not try to ignore your feelings of distress! What good does that do, except to not rock the boat and thereby enable you to keep the current situation going longer.
You shouldn't have to live with this kind of treatment, it's very bad for you in the long term. again I think that focusing on this female friend is to focus on the symptom not the cause of what's really making you so upset.
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A
female
reader, hpoco +, writes (20 February 2011):
hpoco is verified as being by the original poster of the question Lark36 - Yes he tells me I am jealous and crazy. He actually calls me "stupid and ridiculous". He makes all these condescending noises and faces and he is a total ass. I feel like he is really pushing me out the door. He's done the exact same thing to me that your boyfriend did. We met this girl in the street once when we were out, and even though it was totally awkward and his face was bright red (he seemed extremely guilty and wouldn't even introduce me), he used that circumstance to turn it all around on me and tell me I was a jealous bitch. It all feels remarkably unfair.
chocoholicforver - I see what you are saying, and I would love to think that I could feel that close to my husband and in turn he would push this woman away, but I don't see that really happening. We are close, and I love him. I even don't necessarily think that he will cheat on me with her exactly, I think he likes the fact that she likes him (for now). He relishes in her crush and likes to flirt with her. I just find it all so disrespectful. I have a hard time ignoring my own feelings about this. Although I am trying!
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (20 February 2011):
I think you should try to work on your relationship with your husband. try and bring back a sense of closeness. Set aside the issue of this female friend of his, and just concentrate on rebuilding your relationship.
the point is that you can't force someone to stop doing something they really want to do. If you try, you may succeed in the short term but rarely in the long term. and, if he didn't want give something up and is only doing it grudgingly to get you off his case, this makes him want the forbidden thing more or resent you for being an obstacle to what he wants.
He won't care more about your feelings if he doesn't see a benefit to caring. If you can build your relationship, if he starts to feel closer to you and be reminded of all the positive qualities you have, and why he loves you and why he chose to marry you, then he's more likely to be on your side and to care about your feelings. Then once he cares more about your feelings and feels more positively about you and the marriage, then any sacrifices he makes he's more likely to do so willingly because he honestly doesnt' want to hurt you, and not be seething with resentment at "having" to do it just to get you to leave him alone.
Taking an antagonistic stance (even though you feel you have the right to) will have the opposite effect, it will make him see you as the enemy.
However, there's always the chance that someone is just a really selfish person and no amount of relationship-building efforts on your part will make him care about you more. If this is the case, he would do whatever he wants anyway, regardless of anything you may or may not do. If you decided to be the bigger person and compromise and give up some of your demands, he may take advantage of your trust and cross boundaries with her anyway (this is the big fear and why suspicious spouses are too afraid to relinquish control attempts and instead tend to increase it), if that happened it would have happened anyway even if you had "forced" him to stop what he was doing, probably it would happen eventually anyway or in a sneakier way.
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A
female
reader, Lark36 +, writes (20 February 2011):
Hpoco-
"But, he won't do either. He says he wants to see the other people there, and he doesn't want to kick her off his friend list. He refuses to do either thing."
He REFUSES to di either? BIG red flag. I had a similar thing with my boyfriend last year. He actually stuck up for the other woman and completely disregarded my feelings/wishes. All I can say is keep a "close eye", if you know what I mean. What the heck, just show up at this event or at his workplace for lunch one day. What's he gonna do? Also, the fact that he's turning this around on you (diflection), means he's guilty of something. It's the oldest trick in the book for men to turn it on us, calling us jealous or crazy or insecure. Does he tell you any of those things?
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