A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I messed up .... again.Long story short: I have OCD and anxiety in my relationship. I am controlling and emotionally abusive (though not to the full extent that articles write about). I have hurt my husband so much that i dont know if he can forgive me this time. We have had some major blow outs this year which are also in part to stressful work situations. He says i am selfish and i always put my need to quell my anxiety before his needs... i dont know what to do now. I am booked in to see a pyschologist/psychiatrist tomorrow. The one i went to before helped a little but she was very judgemental. Hes threatening divorce now and will not accept my apologies.. please help.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2017): Thanks all. I went to a new pschotherapist. He seems very intelligent but easy to take with. While he agreed with what im doing needs to stop, i also need to begin to establish personal boundaries apparently. And maybe a bit of self worth and find the root of my fears. He also suggested that my husband might have a mental disorder along the lines of superiority or narcissistic traits masking insecurities. Which is so weirrd because ive always thought that... that nobody could be THAT confident and self assured.
A
male
reader, TylerSage  +, writes (7 November 2017):
 I'm glad to see you are able to admit that you have committed wrongs in your marriage. I think that's the first step to improvement. Self-awareness and action are pretty much all you need. A therapist can be helpful but seeing that YOU know you have treated your husband poorly, what are YOU going to do about it. Blaming your OCD and anxiety is just playing the victim-card.
If you mess up, apologize. SHOW that you're sorry and ensure you don't do it again. Hurt people, tend to hurt others. What is it that's hurting you? Write down on a piece of paper the qualities you want to have and show it to your husband as well as the people around you and FOCUS only on that. Don't ponder on the negative, focus on the person you now want to become.
Motivational YouTube videos and inspirational books are some of the best things you can surround yourself with. The best apology is changed behaviour.
All the best.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2017): Thank you for your responses. It is true that i should have continued with therapy but i genuinely mean it when i say the therapist was not good - my friend is a psychotherapist and she told me that her behaviour was odd for a therapist. She did most of the talking and i spent at least half of each sesssion reading notes. She didnt have many qualifications and called me names... which i can handle but even my husband told me to stop seeing her. Anyway.. i should have gone straight to another doc
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A
female
reader, femmenoir  +, writes (7 November 2017):
 It's so important for you to get the professional help that you really require.
Without professional help, your marriage is doomed for divorce unfortunately.
You've had OCD and anxiety for a long time, yet you didn't continue ongoingly with your treatment.
Your previous psychologist, she was very judgemental, however, why didn't you seek out somebody else and continue with your treatment?
Sadly, sometimes it's too late to rectify and repair damages already done and it's obvious that your husband has had enough of your behaviour.
Even if you say, feel and believe you didn't mean any of it, the fact remains, to your husband, it was serious enough for him to raise the topic of divorce and to want to follow through with it.
Look at it this way, if your husband had had the OCD and anxiety and over the years had given you a really hard time, even hell, i suspect you too, may be thinking of ending your relationship/marriage with him.
Professional assistance may help you to the greater extent, but it may not be so helpful, "if you're not in the right mindset" and "don't accept the help/advice" or "choose not to take on board the right tactics to help yourself".
If your marriage, at this point in time, has any chance of survival, you must have genuine interest in making serious, concrete and long term changes.
Your husband will want this and he won't budge until he sees a major improvement on your part.
Your husband will require "proof" and not mere words.
Really, you cannot blame him can you?
I suspect, because of all the damage brought into your marriage already, it's going to be really hard, if not impossible, to change your husband's mind.
Let everything roll as it's supposed to and if the two of you are meant to work things out, you will.
What's most important at this stage is that you work on YOU and YOUR INNER SELF.
You need therapy and you need it now.
Professional help will help you to deal with and find a much better solution to dealing with your OCD and your anxiety, so that you never have a repeat of what's transpired within your marriage to date.
Learning to take control of your weaknesses and learning to find other "healthier" options to dealing with relational communication and/or communication issues, is of paramount importance to you now and well into the future.
Regardless of the outcome of your marriage, seeking much required help is a win win for you.
If your husband has decided that he's had enough, then you will have to come to accept his decision as painful and as hard as it will be and i am sincerely sorry to say this.
Sometimes we do the wrong things by our partner and sometimes we learn the hard way most unfortunately, but life lessons are important because they teach us to look at situations differently and hopefully never repeat the same mistakes.
Please help yourself and follow through with your treatment.
You'll come out a much better person in the end and you'll be able to handle relationships and difficulties much better too.
All the best and do know that you'll get through every obstacle thrown your way, because you have your inner strength to reply on.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2017): I will have to be frank and honest. You need serious help. You've accused your therapist of being very judgemental.
That's part of her job as your doctor.
How can she be effective without being direct about her evaluations, and speaking to you frankly as an adult? Her job isn't to coddle you; nor to tell you what you want to hear. If we had to judge you by the description your husband made of you; perhaps you're a very difficult patient.
Essentially, you'll be starting from scratch with a new one. Whomever you choose now has to get to know you, establish trust, and develop a rapport; and then attempt to convince you to take constructive-criticism. Hopefully he or she will have your full commitment and cooperation.
Maybe you went to the last doctor only to go through the motions, and to appease your husband. Now you're promising him that you'll be a good-girl; and you're basically blaming your behavior on a bad psychiatrist.
Own some responsibility. It's important to help yourself. Not only for him, but for you. You deserve love, and you obviously care. Only it might be hard for him to see that right now.
As far as your husband is concerned; you're too much, and he's had enough. I don't recommend you change doctors; unless it is absolutely necessary. Your behavior within your marriage was apparently extended to the doctor's office.
It's not all about therapists and pills either. You know right from wrong, and you know when you're hurting someone. Psychiatrists help you with your mental-health; but they don't make you a good person. That's your job. They don't make you a good wife; and can't be around to monitor everything you say or do. That falls on you.
I know there are symptoms of your illness that make certain behaviors difficult to control; but you prove your love by doing your utmost to get better. You don't use your illness as an excuse for everything you do that is hurtful.
You can change doctors all you want. Treatment is only effective if you're committed to it. It's more for your own sake, than for your husband. He's had as much as he can take; and promises don't mean much when you're emotionally abusive and a controlling person. You're not a disorder, you are a person.
I agree with Tisha-1. Setup an immediate appointment. I'm inclined to believe you stopped going to therapy a very long time ago; and your running excuse is that the doctor is the problem, or the reason.
Turns out, you've hurt yourself; and you may have damaged what's left of your marriage. He may still give you a chance. Just do what you have to do for your own well-being. He may only be trying to encourage you to help yourself. No one here can promise you that he'll change his mind.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (6 November 2017):
 If this has been a problem for a long time then you need to let the process unfold.
The OCD and anxiety part of you will not be comfortable with uncertainty but you will need to get to grips with it.
The good news is that you've reached out for help.
Look at it this way, if you don't follow through with this psychiatric help tomorrow, your husband will have no reason going forward to believe things will get better.
If you do participate fully in your treatment and recovery, your husband will have a good reason to try again.
So go see the doctor tomorrow and start the healing.
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