A
male
age
30-35,
*everstheman
writes:Recently my then fiancé found out that I had been having an explicit conversation with an old friend on social media. She found out and we spoke about it and we agreed to move past it and better ourselves because there was a disconnect. Basically what lead me to do what I did was that, she had started drifting away and going to sleep early, she barely wanted to have sex and didn’t really show me feelings or any kind of love. I tried to tell her that we were drifting away and her response was “This is who I am, if you don’t like it find someone else.” So I took to social media to entertain myself with other woman. So she found out, we decided to work on us, and for the first week we would spend more time together, we started drinking wine together and just being together a lot more! The following week everything went down hill. She removed her find my iPhone from her phone, and when I asked her why she said because she felt like it. We’ve always had our find my iPhone on Incase of an emergency or anything of that nature. So for her to turn it off, raise concern in my eyes especially with what we just went through. The following day she decides to go out with her friend to the city, and I asked that she turn her tracker on because she’s this point I’m a littler nervous that you might try to get back at me for what I did. She declined to turn it back on and left. So at that moment i got really upset and told her I’d no longer want her in my cell phone service plan, and she decided to go get her own line and told me that she doesn’t love me and doesn’t want anything to do with me and to leave her alone. During this time now with her new phone i noticed that she would always be smiling and laughing at her phone.. and I know that smile.. so I questioned her about it and she would say it was her friend, I’d ask to see and she would say no because we aren’t together to not control her. So now I’m getting all worried she’s talking to someone else and i start begging her to give me a chance to fix everything, and i could not understand how she went from giving me a chance to shutting me out completely. When I asked her she said “ I was being fake to myself” “i don’t think i Can ever forgive you” “I don’t feel anything for you” - mind you we have been together for 6 years and have two kids together and just bought a house together last year. So as time goes by, i start to get depressed because i can’t figure out why she won’t give me a chance when we have so much to lose by leaving each other. All she would ever say is “i need space”. So I decided to give her the space she wanted. On a Wednesday she tells me that she had a networking dinner on Friday at 7pm for work and i said, oh ok. Friday comes and I’m paranoid so I decide to check her email, and find a reservation for a zip lining park, the same day (Friday) and same time she told me her networking dinner would be. Upon opening up the reservation i find that she had lied to be about the dinner and had made a reservation to go to this park with a man called Brian. Later on I find out that she had met this Brian through work. I questioned her about it and she said he was just a friend from high school. (She didn’t know that i knew they met at work). She lied again. So they ended up not going because I found out But she told me they had met up prior to go to Dave and busters around the same time she disabled her tracker. She had been lying to me saying she needed space so she can see someone else. I never physically cheated and she is going to see someone else. Now I start to break down because I can’t believe she is giving a new guy more of a chance than me, the father to her kids, fiancé and we have a home together. As time went on we had arguments about selling the house and her and the Brian guy, and I spoke to Brian and he told be he would stop talking to my girlfriend out of respect. Last week I went fishing with my cousin, got home around 9pm, and then my daughters mother says that she’s going out with her friend johanna, told her it’s 9pm...? And she said so? And took of. Come to find she went to meet up with this Brian guy even after they both said they would stop talking (lied to me again) and I still love her, still want to be with her but she is still hurt over my cyber infidelity and what she did to me has hurt me twice as much and I still love her. What Can I do?
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (8 November 2017):
 What should you do? I think you need to accept that it is over. It is clear that she is moving on and is using your infidelity as an excuse. My guess is this relationship was over long before you started talking to another woman.
First thing to do is sit down with each other and work out a plan about the house and splitting finances. Secondly talk about the children and what is best for them, remember they are the innocent party here so be as amicable as possible for them.
A
female
reader, femmenoir  +, writes (7 November 2017):
 I should also add, don't ever forget the two most important beings innocently placed within this mess, YOUR TWO CHILDREN.
Their stability and wellbeing is of paramount importance.
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A
female
reader, femmenoir +, writes (7 November 2017):
Regardless of your long term union and the fact that you have two children and a house together, you guys need serious help.
Although couples counselling should be a last resort, because i know it can be too expensive for many people, i really would suggest it for you both.
You need to sit your fiancee down and talk to her about everything that's worrying you and is on your mind.
Let her know how much you still love her and want to work things out, but do not be afraid to let her know that you're disappointed with her overall behaviour, her lying, her meeting Brian in private and remain as calm and as rational as possible whilst talking.
You don't want to add fuel to fire.
I must say though, your fiancee, she's been acting rather nasty, mean, cruel and very cold toward you, not to mention that she sounds quite selfish and self-centred.
The bigger issue and the most serious one.
You've both hurt each other, you've had an explicit online emotional affair and she has LIED TO YOU AND REPEATEDLY.
Can you honestly live with that reality?
How can you ever be certain, even if you guys get through this, that she'll always be truthful to you?
She's managed to lie many times to date, so what makes you think she will change for the better?
She seems to have lost respect and love for you and doesn't seem to care about the consequences thereafter.
Your fiancee, she was already rejecting you and your needs from early on within your relationship and honestly, you guys need to discuss this too.
You need to let your fiancee know that you want to know why she's behaved as she has and why she feels as she does and what does she think you guys can do together to make things better.
She has already told you though, that this is who she is and if you don't like it then go find somebody else.
Why would she say this whilst still remaining within the relationship?
It's funny, because she rejects you, yet she can spend quality time with Brian.
You need to know where you stand.
She and Brian, they've both lied to you and she and he will most likely continue to see each other in person, so you need to take this into consideration.
When you speak to your fiancee, let her know that you take full responsibility for your actions with this other female and that you're sincerely sorry and will never allow such communication to happen again.
You only say this if you mean it though.
You then express to her that although you know you did wrong by her, you feel that what she's done to you is well out of order, because she's chosen to take her relationship with Brian to a physical level and you have no way of ever knowing what they've done or haven't done together.
I mean, they're both compulsive liars, so even if your fiancee tells you that she didn't so the dirty behind your back, would you actually believe her?
All her actions, even her walking away from you, her behaviour with her phone, all amount to someone who's hiding something and perhaps even guilty of something.
She's being clearly nasty, acting quite childish and bitchy and do you really want to spend the rest of your life with somebody like that?
She's thinking with her heart at present and not with her mind, hence her irrational behaviour.
I do believe that she's trying her hardest to "punish" you for what you've done to her.
I doubt she'll ever truly get over that.
She is behaving in the most selfish manner, because whilst she's so pissed off with you for what you did, she is doing much worse, as i see it, yet it's all about her and how she cannot and will not forgive you, how she no longer loves you and wants you to leave her alone.
You've had to tolerate and put up with loads too, so why aren't you saying the same things to her?
It appears that you care moreso than she does and you are putting in much effort, because you care so much.
Do you also feel remorse and guilt for what you did within your relationship and if so, what will you do/say about that?
Do you think you would do that ever again?
All you can do for now is to talk to her and let her know that you guys have been together for so long and have too much to lose if you were to break up and let her know that she's worth fighting for, if you truly wish to salvage your relationship.
It's good if you want to save your relationship, but remember, she must also feel the same way.
Does she?
Only she can answer that, so you must approach her and ask her.
Also, is she prepared to prove to you, that she will never speak/see Brian again?
It appears you guys have lots of work to do, if your relationship is to survive, so sit her down and start talking.
Best of luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2017): Well, it appears you were right about the fact she was distant. Brian may have been the reason along!
It seems your "cyber-cheating" was just the excuse she needed to see Brian openly. I think this is mostly spitefulness; but six years and two kids without marriage is a door left open. Either of you can walkaway.
Purchasing a house and having kids before marriage makes things very complicated. I think you'll be having legal issues with child-custody and division of property. If she decides to stop paying the mortgage; it's your problem, if you want to save your credit.
She sounds scornful; but somehow I don't think Brian just suddenly occurred in her life. I think he was always there on the sidelines. She caught you in something; so now it can all come-out in broad-daylight. You provided her the perfect excuse to go for the man she wants.
I don't think you should marry. I think she is too scornful; and probably has found herself a new love-interest.
You can love her; but up to now, you didn't see reason to marry her. You did everything before marriage, most people do afterward. So things are now quite complicated.
Turn your attention to your children. She's pretty caught-up in seeking her revenge; or conveniently using your internet affair as an excuse to pursue her own affair out in the open. Either way, I don't think marriage is going to work. Neither of you seem committed enough. I think whatever you had has run its course. Judging by your age, the children are pretty young; and don't really know what's going on.
She's a pretty mean woman; but who can blame her? What comes around goes around. You're now seeing your karma; but she's got a dose of it coming her way too. I'm so sorry.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2017): Back off — this maybe the hardest thing you’ve ever done ..
Give her space , tell her you have a work do coming up she will need to be home for the children .. but yourself some new clothes , aftershave , whistle as you come in from work - make light banter with your gf .. just light ..
Go out on a date or two if that’s what it takes for her to wake up and smell the coffee or the fact her house is burning down ..
Do not plead or beg .. and no she not responsible for your emotional cheating that is all you .. own it .
If you were growing apart .. you should have seen where the cracks were and filled them .. though she may have used what you did to justify something she wanted to do for a while hence no sex as she too was disengaging with you as emotional this new guy was on the scene ..
Just own what you did and move on .. give her space .. tell her you need space .. don’t ask to see her phone . Stop that ..
I don’t like games but you may need to play a few to either win this or it may already be all over . However unless you give it a go . You won’t know .
Make yourself mysterious she will hate it ..
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