A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Ok ill make this as quick as possible.My husband is always thinking im cheating on him. I can't even go to the grosherie store without him going online to Verizon.com to see if I called anyone while I was gone. Also he's been blocking "how to catch a cheating wife" and "signs of a cheating wife"Now our relationship has not been perfect but in the last year its been amazing. We don't have the best communication though. And sometimes its hard to talk to him about things because he gets a fusterated/angery attitude with me.I told him a few days ago I don't want to be apart of a marriage that doesn't have trust so if he doesn't chill out im goigto want out.Today I went to the store and got a text message from Verizon saying my online account has been accessed. I went home and checked the history and its been deleted. Now I feel untrusted, lied to, and unable to talk to him about it. It really makes me want out. What should I do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes the last year has been amazing its been the last cupple month he's obsessing. A couple years a go my husband and I seporated and during that time I dated but was very open to my husband about that man. So I don't know if hu concider that cheatig. Also I say that last years been so good not because our fighting habits changed but because we do more as a family, and aa a couple. We also been attending church regularly and our financial situation has been great. Also we have made more goals and it seems like a better future. We been shoppig for our first house. The only thing that's really changed is our sons death (the stillbirth). And I DO ask him what's going on and he gets upset and changes the subject or gets very defensive... im very confussed. I love the man but i don't want to spend my life without the trust that I know I deserve.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2011): So it sounds like you want to stay married to him. But you hate that he talks "at you" and then doesn't trust you at all. You are basically a non-person when you want to have a heart to heat talk and an adulteress when you're not around... I hate to say it, but it doesn't sound like a marriage worth keeping. You are right. If you want the marriage to have a chance at all, he has to talk about the problems and he has to participate.After a year of marriage, my older brother has similar issues, not the paranoia so much, but I would say he has intimacy issues. I always thought of him as a jerk and just an a**hole brother and shrugged it off because I didn't have to deal with it 24/7. It's very difficult to love someone like this. Unfortunately, he was what I think is emotionally abusive to his wife. Whenever she wants something, she is a non-person.She gave him the ultimatum of divorce or couples counseling. He reluctantly took counseling and after 6 months he has chilled out a bit and treats her a lot better. It
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male
reader, Itsjustflirting +, writes (4 January 2011):
 I'm confused. You said the last year has been amazing, but at the same time, he is obsessed with you cheating?There is some things to consider. First, did he do this from the beginning or just start? What made him change? Did he find an email he shouldn't have? Were you talking about a coworker more than you should? Did you change something in your life that would make him consider that? There are SO many reasons why he may be checking up on you, it's hard to pinpoint one, but you could probably get close. Maybe he feels he isn't pleasing you. Maybe he gained weight? You ost weight? Maybe he get's turned on by the thought of you cheating? Maybe what you think is an amazing year was great because you weren't fighting as much. He may see it as a bad year because you weren't fighting and fighting IS communicating. Have you ever cheated before? Do you have a diary he may have found? Did someone maybe tell him something?You really need to just ask him, not why is he keeping tabs, but what changed that made him feel he needed to. Maybe HE is feeling guilty from something he did. People are strange. If you can pinpoint the thing that caused the change you will have a lot easier time finding why. Women are fast to point out over controlling, stalker, etc. It's your husband and he has something wrong. At least try to help him fix it before giving up. Don't say you are going to leave if he doesn't quit. Say you're gonna leave if he wont tell you why he feels he needs to keep tabs on you. Some people I have talked to were turned on by the thought of their wife/g/f cheating. They didn't want them to cheat, but the thrill of playing detective and thinking they were, was actually a rush. Like I said, people are strange. Find out what changed.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't know what his problem is. We spend so much time together. There's no way I would even have time to cheat.
we had a stillbirth in october and it devistated both of us. Because it was planned and we we're so ready for another baby. I wonder if it may stem from this. We don't really talk about it very much and it bothers me that we don't. I explained to him that it hurts me that we don't. But the discussion turned into him talking at me insted of with him. We always have those type on conversation where he talks and talks and talks, I respectfuly listen but never get a word in. Its so fusterating and i makes me feel unemportant. I have to see a counciler just so I have someone I can talk to. It make me so sad that I can't talk to my husband about anything. Plus with him thinkig im cheating im just don't have any words Id rather just not say anything. Im exhausted. And he wants to start trying again for another baby and as badly as I want to its not a good time. I know people heal differently but if we don't heal together its going to be detrimental to our marriage.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2011): Hello,
Firstly, how draining it is to constantly defend your innocence.
He sounds controlling/and insecure. I agree with the other persons response maybe counselling would help. Also do you know forsure that he is faithful? Sometimes people rid their own guilt by blaming others for what their doing.
:-)
Good luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2011): If he's acting like this when your relationship is at its best, its likely because he has intimacy issues. He sounds like he's jealous of what he already has with you.
I've seen a girlfriend go through this:
If you bring up something that disappoints you, like his spying, then he gets angry and shuts down or he tries to blame you. You maybe disappointed, but forget about it because you like him. You don't want to leave him over an isolated argument.
However, he maybe ashamed of himself for upsetting you, wonder why you stay with him at all, convince himself that you can't really be happy with him. Therefore, you must be cheating and want to leave him.
Everytime you try to deal with the issue by talking, he gets upset and the cycle repeats until you really do want to leave him.
There is marriage counseling if you can afford it. He needs to find some way to talk about his issues without projecting all of his insecurity on to you. At present he would rather believe his wife is cheating than believe he has a deeper problem.
If you do leave him, then he may interpret this as a definitive sign of your cheating. And you may have a stalker on your hands. If you do decide to leave, take precautions that he can't find you. Change your # and go somewhere safe.
Best of luck.
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