A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've changed names for anonymity.I'm married with an 11-year-old daughter, Sarah, and my life's generally been good.Now I'm questioning about staying married to my husband after his confession on Saturday about an affair.A typical affair, you'll probably think?Well, no, not quite... first of all, the whole thing took place over Zoom (so he never slept with her, never physically cheated on me) and secondly, she's a woman he knew from high school.My husband admitted to me that he'd been having an affair with Holly for the past 6 months.I asked who Holly was, and he said that she was someone who used to be in his class at high school, but had to move back to America with family when she'd done her GCSEs, and she told me Holly was divorced and really wants to be with him, and that he told her he was separated from me.He said Holly was an American expat who'd lived here since she was 11, but left when she was 17.That last bit was 100% blatant lies; we're not separated, I thought our relationship was good.He then went on to explain how Holly was a glamour model/camgirl/bikini model and that she was single, her last boyfriend left her for a much younger woman who, according to her, "looked like someone addicted to crystal meth".He now told me he's moving to the US to be with her, and that Sarah's coming with him, that's final, she can't choose at that age.Holly's in Los Angeles, we're in a small town near Birmingham.I told him "Hell, NO!" but he said, "Sarah's going to be well-looked after with me and Holly, and things will be good."I appreciate him and Holly have a shared history, not in a dating sense, but in-jokes as friends etc. I wouldn't get, and I accept that.He may know Holly, but I don't think he "knows" her, in the other sense, things like how she handles shared finances, crisis etc, and as for parenting... (well, Holly has no kids).What I'm angry about is him dumping on me that he's leaving me for her, lying to Holly about us being separated, and most importantly, taking our daughter out of the country (he planned to do this).Handling the legal side of things is the biggest problem so far.... I don't know what to say or do.I'm a working mum in a professional industry and really need some advice before the situation gets worse.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2021): Odd that you say this because there was a young girl writing on here saying something very similar except she said that her dad wanted her to go shopping with him and she actually met the woman he was intending to move in with.
The words she used to describe her worries were very similar to your version so I am suggesting that your husband is just lying about 'Holly' looking good in a bikini.
Perhaps she is a sex worker?
I don't believe that he had developed an infatuation with someone over zoom. It sounds too far fetched to me, but even if he did it is a ridiculous idea that you decide to live with someone because they 'look good in a bikini!'
It shrieks mid-life crises to me! There is no way that could be justification for saying a young girl should go to live with him and his new interest.
I'm wondering how usual it is for your husband to try to undermine you because this sounds like a classic example.
It sounds as thoughtful as you suggesting that you wanted to run off with a hells angel because you liked his leather gear and he owned a Harley Davidson motorbike.
So what do we get left with?
A young hurt girl who feels her mum is insulted and a very unstable man who is extremely economical with the truth.??
You need to understand how important you are in your daughters life and maybe you should contact social services to enlist the help of a social worker.
Because your guy seems to be suggesting fragmenting the family on a whim.
You have your own rights and I think your man has taken leave of his senses.
It would be helpful for you to phone a woman's support group also as I suspect that this is an example of coercive contro! And this can be linked to domestic violence if you don't agree to his ridiculous demands.
If you are married this could be the basis for divorce on the grounds of 'unreasonable behaviour' because I assume both you and your daughter are both thoroughly intimidated by his unreasonable request.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (8 March 2021):
 Yep |I'm with Ciar.
TALK to a solicitor ASAP. He can't "just" take your shared daughter and move. Just no. He doesn't have a Visa or a job there so really... logically HE CANNOT provide for his daughter in the US.
It sounds like a fantasy they are building, like an imaginary relationship. Because there isn't an ounce of reality there. HE lied to get her to engage (by saying he was separated - probably build some tear-jerker version of I'm a single dad blah blah blah)
So TALK to a solicitor, FILE for divorce (get ALL the information - if there are text messages or any other proof - GATHER it) FILE for sole custody as well. As he is LEAVING you.
A child (no matter the age) is not some handbag you can just pack and take with you to live with someone he hasn't known since high school without having a JOB lined up AND a proper Visa!
And not to sounds like a prude, but if "Holly" works as a cam-girl IS that really something you want your YOUNG impressionable daughter around?
I'd fight like HECK to keep my child. He can go F himself across the Pond for all I care, but the kid stays!
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (8 March 2021):
 First piece of advice: speak to attorney. I do not believe your husband can legally take Sarah away, especially out of the jurisdiction without a legal agreement. If he does, that is kidnapping, and you can contact police.
Second piece of advice: start getting your ducks in a row. Scan all important financial, legal documents, house deed, his drivers licence (if you can sneak it out of his wallet long enough), credit cards, bank statements etc. Store these scanned documents in a safe place he doesn't know about and can't access.
Also gather what information you can on Holly (so police can track him if he kidnaps Sarah). Email, phone number, anything.
IMPORTANT: Don't tell your husband what you're doing. Gather information (including about Holly) and speak to an attorney secretly.
There is no rush for you to begin divorce proceedings. Don't overwhelm yourself, and the fact that you haven't already lends greater credibility to your version of events that this is sudden and impulsive and that you were not separated when he announced he was leaving.
Do not be in a hurry to tell too many people, friends, family or colleagues. Loose lips sink ships and you want your husband to have as little information about what you're doing as possible.
Don't forget to breathe. You're in a very strong position, and you have the upper hand. Your husband is impulsive and easily manipulated. This is to your advantage. You, on the other hand, must be methodical and calculating.
Good luck!
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