A
female
age
36-40,
*uscle and Sinew
writes:This may sound really dumb and not a big deal. But I know men have their down time.... But my husband is obsessed with video games, has been since he was a child. I'm a stay home mom, and my husband works all day. We have a sixth month baby boy, and he doesn't even get to know his own dad. My husband goes to work, comes home and goes straight to his Xbox. He doesn't even pay any attention to our son. If our son is crying, while I'm making dinner, he won't pick him up. He lets him cry. Yea this is ridiculous, but that's all my husband does. He isn't motivated to find a job with his degree. All he does is call and send resumes through email. He doesn't go in person to drop them off. He isn't motivated. An it annoys me because he's not trying, he dresses very poorly, like he doesn't give a damn. I live him to death, but I feel like I'm married to someone who isn't reliable. I would work, but I nurse my son still, and I wouldn't trust my husband to take care of him. Plus, he's helping his mother with money, because she can't afford things, and to me that's not his priority, his family (me and our son) comes first. If she can't afford things then she needs to find away to pay for things on her own, by getting a second job or cutting back in expenses...And stop asking her son, who is financially struggling with his family for help. I love my husband, but I feel like I'm falling out of live with him. He isn't the man I thought he was. How do I motivate him? How do I help him understand that being a mother is 24/7?
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female
reader, Muscle and Sinew +, writes (9 January 2013):
Muscle and Sinew is verified as being by the original poster of the question He's working for his uncle. So he's on the computer all the time. But his uncle told him he could take a day to drive around to. We are struggling, and he can't afford to be helping his mom. His mother is living with her step daughter, who happens to be working to jobs to support her. I just find it wrong. Yet she can spend money on her hair and nails and going to Las Vegas to gamble! I just want him to make decision based in what's best for this family. Because he hides a lot from me. And will lie to me for her. And playing video games is all he's ever known. I'm not a yeller. Nor do I like confrontation. I like to keep peace. But i am over whelmed and stressed too. We've gone to counseling. And that helped for a while. If I hide his Xbox, he will buy another, because he's done it before. We have two xbox's, play station and a wii. Plus games. That's a lot of money he spends!!
A
female
reader, Muscle and Sinew +, writes (9 January 2013):
Muscle and Sinew is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFirst of for the Anonymous female, I have offered to work, but he doesn't want anyone to take care if our child because he doesn't trust anyone other than me. You have no idea what I have been through being with him. You have no idea the pain I've been through dealing with him and his family. I was raised that when you get married and have a family THAT family comes first. His mother manipulates him, and makes him clean up after her mess. When her ex husband tried to commit suicide because she was having an affair, my husband and I stayed with him for three days at the hospital and paid for his bills. And during all this commotion, I had a miscarriage, where my MIL said it was my fault that my child died. This is the woman who said "F your kids, screw them, I dnt need them". I try every way possible to motivate him to benefit this family and himself because he is capable of amounting to anything. And if anyone isn't appreciative, it's him. Because I've been through hell and back because I love him. I'm not trying to control him, I just want him to grow up and be a husband and a father. Because that's important than video games. His mother may have given birth to him, but she treated him like absolute trash. She was too busy having sex with men in the other room, while her son played video games as a child. And she would beat the hell out of him if he would interrupt him. She dug herself a hole, and she needs to learn how to get herself out and stop dragging her son down. Yea, my son and I come first because he wanted a family with me. Being a stay at home mom is a full time job. I try to provide our son with the best life possible. I nurse him and tend to him 24/7. And because I want him and compassion from my husband that makes me selfish.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (9 January 2013):
 You are young. The title says “our latest baby” are there older children? Did you two marry for love or need? (i.e. were you pregnant when you married) Because he may not really WANT to be married and he may not really want to be a dad and he may be doing it and be feeling trapped in which case the only thing you can do is end the marriage (because in the long run that’s going to happen anyway and it’s better to do it as early as possible)
IT’s a HUGE DEAL and it’s NOT dumb btw and I totally disagree with the female anonymous poster that this is your fault for being critical of him.
FWIW you can work and breastfeed. It’s much harder and it will involve pumping milk 3 times a day but it can be done. If the issue is just breastfeeding but clearly it’s more about your concern that the sperm donor you call a husband is not going to be a good dad (and with good reason)
Have you talked to your husband about this calmly? Maybe his mom could keep the baby while you two go out for a bite to eat and a chance to talk?
A couple of suggestions: crock pot meals take very little time once you get them going… it would take less time to make dinner which is a lousy time of day for most families… babies are cranky.. hubbies are tired, moms are tired.. kids are cranky… not conducive to nice family time.
Secondly, when the baby cries do you say “honey can you get jr?” nicely? What does he say?
IF you expect him to just drop what he is doing and get a crying baby without being asked, for you that’s common sense… for him it’s not.
I am not sure why you think that taking your resume and going to a place with it, without an interview set up is a good plan. It’s not. IF he has a degree clearly he is seeking a professional job. This implies interviews which are set up by sending your resume to people or head hunters or using linkin or Monster…. NOT by walking the pavement in a suit resume in hand knocking on doors… especially if you already have a job. So that may be a bit over the top especially if he is submitting the resume on a regular basis. He’s working! That’s more than some folks have.
As for how he dresses… has that changed since you married? Or is it something that’s always been this way and now it bugs you? If it has not changed, you have no right to complain. My husband lives in tee shirts and jeans or sweats when we are home. He will dress up for dinner out if I ask… and for work he wears a golf shirt…. Which is acceptable at his office. You are a SAHM, are you in heels and pearls all day? When I was a SAHM, it was comfy clothes, hair in a pony tail and usually minimal makeup…. I wonder if your distaste for his clothing choices is a mask for something else?
He’s helping his mom with money? Are you and the family suffering due to this? IF so, then yes you need to ask him “honey can we really afford to buy your mom xxxxx when we have xxx in savings?”
IF you can’t talk to him about these things, then I strongly suggest considering couples counseling to make it work. The biggest issues are communication issues between couples and counseling can help that.
YOU can’t motivate him. YOU can’t control him. YOU can’t make him be what you want him to be. IF you married his potential that was your mistake. YOU have to marry the man he is and love him where he is. IF he grows and matures, that’s a bonus. To punish him for not living up to your expectations is not fair.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2013): I totally disagree with the first poster, you should absolutely come before his mother! He married you and had a son with you and in doing so you should have become his priority. Sadly for you, your husband sounds like he has never grown into an adult. He sounds like a lazy, spoiled mummy's boy to be quite honest and his behaviour is not on. Maybe the next time he is due to come in, you hide the x box and tell him you need to have a serious conversation with him, without distractions, about how you are feeling. Make sure he knows how neglected and second best you feel and that this is affecting your love for him. I would maybe leave out the job stuff so he doesn't feel to attacked though, focus on the fact he puts you and your son last on his list of priorities since that is the most important issue here. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2013): I think you're being too critical of him. Its not good that you demand he not help out his mom. She raised him! How dare you say that you and your son should come first before his mom? How about being willing to be equal and help out mother in law rather than complaining that your husband is helping his mom? If you criticize his mom for not getting a second job to pay her bills then maybe you should get a second job to help your husband and mother in law instead of criticizing your husband about everything. You have so little respect for him no wonder he isn't motivated. Sounds like nothing he does is good enough for you, you even criticize him for the way he is job hunting? Maybe this is why he goes straight to his video games the kinite he comes home. You are demotivating him by being so critical of every little thing he does and of his family of origin. if you're so unappreciative of him (he is financially suppporting you right now, you know...) then maybe you should do it all yourself. If he's not good enough for you maybe you should find a different man.
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