A
female
age
41-50,
*zFit Toy
writes:I have been married nearly 7 years now, and I think my husband has been having an “emotional affair” with someone at his work. Actually, I know that’s what’s been going on, I just have a hard time believing it. He swears it’s nothing, and that they are just friends, but he sent her over 530 text messages in 2 months, and at times when he was supposed to be spending time with me and our son, during 6pm-10pm at night, our family time. I found out, because I was checking his messages, because I thought there was one from my mom, because our son had been listening to my phone MP3 player, and I thought maybe I had missed a message from her, and she had sent him one, which she often does. I did not recognize the number or the response, so when I looked back, I saw messages like “If you weren’t so beautiful, smart and sexy I wouldn’t be jealous”, and “those pants look good on you”. And things like, "come out back I have something for you." They both smoke, so they spend their breaks together, and possibly even their lunches, I don't know, he won't tell me anything, because he says I'm being ridiculous, there's nothing going on. I would never, ever say these things to another man, not while I was married, but when I confronted him on this, he blew up and said I was being ridiculous, and overreacting. Am I overreacting? I asked him why he sent those types of messages to her, and at first he said he was being sarcastic (I personally do not see it), then he said it was a joke, then later on, when he was really mad he said, “Because she is beautiful and sexy.” My mom, who blows everything out of proportion, called the girl, but she really wanted to talk to her boyfriend, because my sister actually used to date the same guy, so we know him very well. The girl called back instead, and cursed at my mom when she was trying to explain to her that our marriage was in jeopardy because of what was going on between them. Then she called his phone and left him a message saying he couldn’t deal with his mother-in-law, and their friendship was over, and she never wanted to speak to him again. And when he heard this he told me that I “ruined his life”. How did I ruin his life? Are me and his son not “his life”? He says that he talked to her about our marriage and our son, and things about work. All of these things he should have talked to me about, or said to me. Please, please tell me what I should do. I am so heart-broken over this, and all he says is, “You got what you wanted”, but he is so hostile towards me now. We have had very bad fights lately, one very physical fight, but I still struggled to keep it together, and fight to work it out with him, but I’m not sure how much more I can take. I said something very bad to him during that physical fight, and he keeps throwing it up in my face. I apologized profusely for saying that to him, but at the time, I said what I thought would make him leave, so he would stop hurting me, and fighting in front of our son. I think he needs professional help, and maybe even committed (during this fight over this text message girl, he cut his arm very badly several times, and tried to overdose on his ADHD medication, which is not the first time he’s done this, he usually does this every time we have a big fight). I’m afraid. Afraid for him, afraid that one day he will snap and hurt our son. What do I do? I hate to bring this up on the internet for everyone to see, but my friends and my mother all say the same thing, “Divorce him”. I’m not sure I’m ready to give up just yet, but I’m at the end of my rope, for sure. I love him, I really, really do. And I married him for life, but I told him if he ever cheated on me, that would be the only way I'd leave him, other than if he physically hurt me. He has hurt me physically, but I was just as physical with him during that one fight. But how can I ever trust him again?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2008): HiI am sorry that you have been so hurt, and i admire your calmness in a very difficult situation. I also admire the fact you said you married for life. BUT i don't think you deserve to have a life like this, i am not recommending divorce either. Maybe you could have a temp separation for your benefit to really look at what is going on. Sometimes you have to be far away from the world to actually see the whole world, get the image? While you are too inside it all.. you may not see very clear. You apologised for what you said to him, but no need to feel bad, and do not let him play on this to punish you, it is wrong ,once is good enough saying sorry. The texts etc, do sound very real to me and must have battered your self esteem it would any woman, but this is what you have to recognise are you needing to get love from him to make you feel better? Because no matter what you say to him , he seems hell bent on trying to make you feel bad. The cutting is a different story but he should not make you feel responsible in any way. You can have a new life you know even if you can not ever imagine one, the trick is DO IMAGINE ONE and start taking care of your needs as a woman and mother. Time for you, hairdressers, new clothes, go for a night out with a friend start getting a new outside world away from unhappiness because you were not born to be unhappy and be treated like you are not woman, you are every bit as woman as the woman he has been texting. This way of taking care of yourself will give you a new lease, it may even help bring your marriage back together, OR it may lead you to a soul mate who will love and respect you. Trust yourself at the moment, that is be good to you, live for you not your marriage or you may crumble with it and your children need you. Yo marriage will save it self if there is any love to save. My heart goes out to you on this, but YOU must come first now, let him sort his own mistakes and mess out, you can not do it for him, nor are you to blame. i would suggest while you are living together live separate lives it is possible! until you are ready to make a positive decision about your marriage. Good Luck and remember you are a woman too!not just a wife, that has been taken for granted. Also he is hostile to you all because you want to save the marriage????? i think your answer lies somewhere in this? I really hope you do the right thing and search for true love and true happiness, i would get excited at the prospect of a new and colourful life doing things that you never dreamt of, don't be treated like this off any body, life is too short too waste.
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