A
female
age
41-50,
*hristineB
writes:My husband of almost 14 years is having an affair with a 20 year old for about a month now. He says he loves me but not in love with me, which is confusing to me since we still have sex. I want to work things out not only for us but for our children. Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with the indiscretions that he is having,
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female
reader, ChristineB +, writes (29 November 2007):
ChristineB is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't want to stay just for the kids I want to stay because I love him. I did give him a time frame to leave because my heart can't take the pain anymore but I still love him with all my heart. I am hoping he will come to his senses but I am not depending on that alone. Thank you everyone for your advice I do appreciate it.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2007): First of all you say your staying together for the kids. I dont believe that this is a wise decision. Im 15 years old and right now my parents are divorsing. Yes i'm extremely upset but not becuase their divorsing but becuase my mum is so distrought. If you would be happy without him you should leave him. He says hes not "in love" with you but loves you. To me this states i like you as a friend and to be honest, thats just not good enough for a husband of 14 years. I think if you was to leave him now it would be better for you in the long run. Staying with him is only confusing you. You dont have to tell your children the situation (although i would want to know) but if your children grew up to believe you was only with your husband for them, they would have the blame for you being unhappy all those years. Your children will be ok as long as you are.
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A
female
reader, ChristineB +, writes (24 November 2007):
ChristineB is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI game him a time frame to make sure all the bills were up to date and then he needed to leave. It is the hardest thing I ever had to do. Now I just have to get through this. Thank you for the comments I appreciate the help and advice. Even though I don't want to do this I do have to think of my children. I still hope things work out for us.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2007): Agree with other poster kick him out tell him to go live with the good strick catholic girl!!!! and her family to learn some morals. Tell this catholic girl she can have your husband you don't want him anymore, divorce him make sure you and kiddies do not suffer anymore than you have to, you will see your husband for what he really is selfish stupid and skint!!!!!!!!!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2007): You want to deal with this for the children, eh?? Just for them?? No other motivations here??
Well thank god you are putting your children's needs first and foremost. That's a good start.
Well first things first, tell your husband to get the hell out of your face. You will no longer tolerate his sleazy cheating ways because you don't want him setting such a bad example for your kids. And you want to show your kids that mommy needs to be RESPECTED. Kids who see their mother tolerating a cheater in the house will think it is ok and may grow up to either accept cheating themselves or to be cheaters.
I mean you don't want that do you?? This is for the kids right??
And I am going to tell you something right now. You say you want to work things out?? I guarantee you that if you don't kick him out now, he is going to leave you eventually anyways. I promise you this. If I were you I would take control of this situation right now, make it easier for the kids, get a good lawyer and try to settle this as easily and amicably as you can. Cause when men leave, they don't plan, they don't anything, they just LEAVE. SO if I were you I would start planning alot of stuff in advance so that you are not left in a complete rut. So take off your vision goggles, face reality, and deal with it as soon as possible.
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A
female
reader, rockelle +, writes (21 November 2007):
 One other thing I forgot to address was this women that comes from a strict catholic family... Anyone who was raised in strict catholic family shouldn't be having an affair with a married man. But she is not the one who is married, she did not make a comittment to be faithful to you, he did. She is wrong, and so is he. So the both of them are lacking morals and ethics... And what goes around comes around.
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A
female
reader, rockelle +, writes (21 November 2007):
I think that it is time for you to make a sensible decision about how you want to spend the rest of your life. I do not know all the details so I will just give you my opinion from what I have read so far.The issue is not about the other women, or about sex. Your HUSBAND , father of your children told you that he does not love you anymore. That alone is enough to make anyone want a divorce. How can you try to make a marriage work if he doesn't love you? Whether he plans to be with this women or not, if it isn't her it will be someone else if he isn't in love with you. Your children will be happier with an amicable divorce than with an unhappy and loveless marriage. You deserve to be with someone who loves you and makes you happy. Yes your husband may have sex with you but that doesn't mean that he loves you and is committed to you as he should be. Sex without love is just an act, totally physical. Im sure that you are hurt and feel terrible about this whole situation but this is not about your husband or your kids you have to look out for you and your best interest. Are you considering staying in this marriage to prevent him from pursuing a relationship with this other women? What about how you feel when you are sleeping next to man who would rather be some place else. As a mother and wife we tend to put our families needs before our own on a daily basis. After taking care of everyone else, who is taking care of you? If you do not look after yourself noone else will. One day your children will be adults and they will understand you did what was best for everyone. Its not fair for you to stay with someone who can not commit to you 100%, not fair to you and not fair to him. Deal with the issue now, because one day after he is tired of pretending and being unhappy he is going to leave maybe a month ,a year, maybe 5 years physically he is with you and the kids but the rest of him is somewhere else. I hope that you work everything out and do what you think is best for you and your children, good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2007): Get some counselling , get some self esteem back and end it with this man...your children deserve so much more than to have parents who are married and have a relationship like this...a single , happy parent is soooo much better than two unhappily marred ones....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2007): Give him an ultimatum. Give him a timescale to dump her. Give him 24 hours to do it in or you are leaving. if he doesn't then you MUST carry it out. At the moment you are letting him get away with this - he can do what he likes - you're just hanging on in there and he thinks you are too weak to make any impact on his sordid little affair. Maybe you should invite this 'virgin' over so that he can tell her to her face and you can show her what she is ruining - okay maybe not but unless you get the upper hand with your other half he will continue this forever - because he can!!!
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A
female
reader, hello1  +, writes (21 November 2007):
 There having sex, don't believe that! do you think he'll risk he;s family for a woman he's not even having sex with?? please, relgious people don't all wait for marriage
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2007): I would make him end his relationship with the other woman. I don't know how you could even still have sex with him while he still see's the other woman. His love story is a bullcrap excuse for himself. You have to deal with an iron fist if you have any chances of saving and reignighting your marriage. Give him a choice. Stand up for your yourself first, then your marriage if you think there is a chance to save it and hopefully make it better. I know if you continue to stay with him like this, its going to be taking a toll on your happieness and health. Your children would rather see you happy. If you have to end it because he will not, you will be way better off without him. Take care of your mental and physical care to help you stay focussed on resoving the issues. I have been there and feel some marriages can survive as long as both parties are truely willing to put this past them with the understanding it will not happen again. Trust is a hard thing to regain, and without it, you have no marriage.
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A
female
reader, ChristineB +, writes (21 November 2007):
ChristineB is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe sad part is that they are not having sex she is still a virgin according to him, and I know what she looks like and I kind of believe him, that and she comes from a strict Catholic family. I don't think he is being very honest with her about our problems and our relations we have been having. I am pretty sure she only knows the bad and none of the good times we've had. I just don't understand her reasoning for being a home wrecker with no morals or ethics about family.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2007): Your husband is a loser! Dump him now! How long have you known that he has been cheating? Is he still cheating? He acts like it's okay because he is not in love with you anymore-no way! You can't let him get sex from both of you at the same time! And whatever you do, don't ever stay with a man for the kids. You deserve so much better, and really, don't ever blame yourself. He is entirely to blame. Don't listen to other people blaming both of you for his dispicable actions. It makes me sad that you are settling for less than you or anyone deserves. Please get out now before you get hurt anymore. Please let us know what you end up doing. I know it will be hard, but be strong and do what is right!
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A
male
reader, legacy +, writes (21 November 2007):
This is a tough one and both of you are in for alot of hurt even if or perhaps especially if you work it out between you. What your husband may mean is that yes he loves you and the kids but this 20 year old gives him that expectant feeling of passion and sex he has probably missed over the years with you. Nothing is wrong with you...or him really. Fourteen years is a long time to be married and easy to slip into those routines, especially with little ones. Remember how it was between you two when you were dating? Remember the expectancy and the excitement? That's what he is feeling now. And a twenty year old lover makes him feel he still has it going on. I'm not condemning or applauding him, I've been there myself. You need to take care of you and the kids. It's always the kids who suffer the most in these things. I'm sorry you are going through this and don't blame yourself.
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