A
female
age
,
*unloved1
writes:First, my husband is addicted to working out. We never have sex, he has no interest in me. He is verbally abusive. I am 48, a very fit body, size 36D breasts that he says he loves. He has always told me he feels ugly next to me. What is the problem? I try to talk with him about it but he flys off the handle and lashes out at me. We fight alot because I try to talk about these problems. He says he gets up at 430 to work out, then goes to work. He says he is very tired. He gets me nothing for my birthday, christmas, or any other holiday, not even a card. We used to go out to eat and now he tells me he is getting older and does not enjoy going out. he is satisfied with getting up early, working out, going to work , studying(he is in school online) and going to bed.I am so confused and upset... What can I do.. I left him once and he begged me to come back. I did and things are back to the way they were. I took vows and do not want to get divorced. He refuses to go to the doctor or counseling...I don't know what to do... Please help
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male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (2 March 2012):
 I too, sense a bit of a midlife crisis going on with you and your husband.
I am not sure your husband is "addicted" to working out. Let's just say that working out is a top priority in your husband's life. Working out can be habit forming, but obviously he has made it a priority in his life.
It does sound like his life is very full right now and I sense that some of his stress is coming out at you. Spouses are often easy targets for verbal abuse and what not -- especially if they've been targets in the past. Is there any way he can dial back the working out, find a different job with less stress or postpone the online schooling? Ultimately, I think this is the problem. His "fun" time is going to the gym and the rest is "work". So I do understand where he is coming from when he says he is tired and he is often irritable. Perhaps you'll have to look at the long term picture: is the sacrifices of him going to school and working hard worth the future payoff (perhaps better financial security in the future?)
In addition, I have to ask, when was the last time you had "couple time"? Perhaps, its time to plan a trip together. Or dedicate one day a week to going bowling or going to the gym together on a Saturday or Sunday.
Finally, I would urge you to start thinking of seeing a marriage counselor -- either just yourself or as a couple. I think it would help you communicate better with your husband as well as gave you perspective on what is really going on in your relationship.
Good luck.
A
female
reader, Starlights  +, writes (1 March 2012):
 Your husband is having a stressful time, (near breakdown it seems) and low self esteem.
Your doing the right thing by being supportive... but all the working and overthinking is probably taking its toll on him. The man is breaking down and pushing you away because he cant handle the stress.
He really needs to choose for HIMSELF to unwind and relax because its his choice to want a calmer life, you can only support and aid his recovery.
Try and speak to him and make him see reason/sense.
Tell him the facts, that your marriage is at risk if he does not slow down and address his issues.
He's overworking, stressing himself out, gets tired, and lashes out at you. This is not fair or healthy for either of you.
Talking to you is good for him because he is confiding in you ( someone he loves )... this is much better than talking to a therapist.
If you work it out by talking and being supporting of each other your marriage will be stronger and healthier for it. But he has to want it too by seeking to address his issues.
Hope this helps.
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