A
female
age
41-50,
*ink diamond
writes:Hello, I have been married to my husband for 5 years. We have been together for 12 years. We have a 11 year old together. I so have 3 older kids. But he normally only tells people he has one child. He has always had a temper but it has gotten worse. I made dinner the other day and he literally started yelling that only one piece of chicken was left for him. So he started throwing his bowl in the sink and drove off to get fast food. What am I doing wrong? He always makes me feel so bad about myself. Do I stay with him? We have been together so long. Is this normal behavior? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Pink diamond +, writes (3 January 2019):
Pink diamond is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow, I'm extremely annoyed by the one writer. If I was a step parent I would love my step children the same. Or at least treat them the same. And my husband should be telling people he has 4 children not just one.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2019): You consider having a whine about food to be abusive? Sorry but that seema like a pretty typical reaponse. If my SO said he was making dinner for the family, and I was tired and hungry but he didnt make enough for me, i'd be pretty annoyed too. As for saying you both have 1 child...you do both only share 1 child... perhaps he is uncertain if your other children want him consodered a father, espe ially if their bio father is in the picture. I would never have called my stepson my son in front of others because he wouldnt have loked it and he had a mom in the picture.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2018): What you're doing wrong is remaining married to a man who doesn't recognize his step-children as his own, and you claim that he abuses you.
The extended length of time you've been married is not a determining factor whether you remain in it.
It's how well you are treated; and if your spouse is faithful to you. Marriages have problems; and you resolve them only when both parties willingly and equally work at it. It's not solely your responsibility to see that he's happy; it's a two-way street!
I'll be honest. I think marriage-counseling is a hit or miss proposition. Realistically, most people can't get their spouses to seek counseling; or to take it seriously if they do. If two people are incompatible, or there is emotional or physical-abuse involved; the victim has to leave!
Then she (or he) must seek counseling for themselves; and their children, if any are involved. Your daughter is watching all this. So are the others. They will be affected by his behavior. Your older children are safe; if in their later teens or 20's.
The fact you are asking the type of question you asked, and the way you worded it; indicates to me you are not likely to leave him under any circumstances.
You just want to please him. He's angry and bitter, and you irritate the daylights out of him; because he hates the marriage and your "timid/docile" ways. He reacts in terrible ways; because he knows to get a divorce will be expensive and excruciating.
He'll end-up paying child-support, having his own separate living-expenses, and rent to pay; including alimony on top of that. He probably has all sorts of things he's pissed about. His job, being middle-aged, trying to feed and support kids that aren't his, and he's probably just a nasty person in-general. You were too ga-ga and in-love to say "no" when he proposed! Now years later, you want to know how to please him???
He didn't suddenly turn into a dick. He was always that way! So many women try to make us believe these men were different when they married him. Good men don't turn completely into monsters. All the red-flags were ignored; with the hopes to change him with love. His bad-behavior was excused and tolerated, because he's a man.
A trapped-man is like a caged wild beast. He won't make the decision to leave; so he's raging with frustration.
A good father, and a man of strong character; doesn't get angry because he has to feed his kids, or pay the bills. That's his moral responsibility. You had those kids when he married you! Eliminate that as a any justification for his behavior. Even stress does not justify any kind of abuse; nor tantrums in-front of your wife and children. If it's too much on you alone; you sit-down, and workout a family-plan. Teens work part-time, and wifey gets a job! Everyone chips-in!
NO! It is not normal behavior to be mean to your wife and the mother of your child!!! It wouldn't even be correct for me to say " mother of his children." He acknowledges only the one he fathered. He's a douche.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2018): I think it is having the step children getting on his nerves. Franky when the initial sexual excitement phase wear out between couples the problems start. Especially it is a known fact, that men do get bored with sex in long relationships such as in a marriage. I am with Honeypie think that when you find the right time you should talk to him and see what is bothering him and ask him if it is the step children the problem and try to find a solution including seperation if he is unable to cope with the presence of the kids.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (31 December 2018):
 What are you doing wrong?
Well, if you ask me... the ONLY thing you are doing "wrong" is staying with him.
Has there been added stress? Financial trouble? That could "explain the temper getting worse? My guess? I wasn't really about dinner or the chicken at all but he took whatever anger out on the dinner.
Do the 3 older kids live with you as well?
I can't IMAGINE a man with 4 kids - 3 of which are step children saying he only has one kid, like the others don't exist!
Do you two TALK? I mean have you asked him (and not in front of the kids) what was up with him the other day?
Is it normal? Well, I think EVERYONE gets frustrated, annoyed and behave in a less than perfect manner at times. But do I think his reaction matches the "lack" of chicken in his dinner? I don't know him. But yes, I think he overreacted.
YOU are the one calling him abusive. You give one example of him being an asshat (saying he ONLY has one kid) and one example of him throwing a fit.
Can you live with this? And why do you two not communicate better?
If he came straight from work and was running late for dinner he COULD have asked you to make him a plate (in case you have the house full of teenagers who eat like lawn-movers) so he WOULD have a decent meal after a full day of work. Drama avoided. But if it was NOT about the food, just him being frustrated (by whatever) then HE needs to find better ways to deal with the stress.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (31 December 2018):
 He does only have one child. Most guys who become stepdads would say they have four, in your situation, but he's not like that. It's hurtful to your other kids, if they care and see him as a father figure.
Him getting fast food isn't an issue, but his temper is. This is only one example of potentially abusive behaviour, so we can't say whether you should stay or not. If he is genuinely abusive and/or aggressive, then no; it's not normal and I wouldn't advise staying. Bear in mind, three of your children are older than your relationship with him, so it's not too long to consider leaving - it never is.
While you consider leaving, remember that your children will learn from you what is okay in a relationship. Kids who grow up witnessing abusive relationships are more likely to end up in abusive relationships, so they also need to have a role model for when enough is enough and it's time to go.
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