A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:My husband is a very gentle guy, and does not like to argue with anybody. He hates conflicts, and whenever he can ,he trying to avoid them. He is a true conflict phobic. I love him, and it makes him a very kind father, and husband. But sadly it was causing a lots of trouble for us. He never could be assertive, with rude family members, or anybody who didn't treat him, or us right. He would always just pay if there is any conflict and sadly his brother took advantage of this and try to abuse this many times. Got a lot of money out of him this way. Also, his sons can see that , and they are in trouble with the same thing.You can't go through life without conflict. And sometimes ,I have to deal with stuff without him. Otherwise we get into fight , if I try to pressure him. So right now, we are dealing with a contractor who destroyed our fence and landscaping, and wont take responsibility for it. So the issue is that he does not want to deal with it, and he thinks we should just pay for the damage. So what I'm wondering , how can I help him, without pressuring him, and make him feel even worst?
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female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (4 December 2011):
 Hi,
You need to sit down and talk to your husband, and make him understand how you feel. Explain that you love him, he's a kind father and husband. Tell him that you agree and respect him for not wanted to argue with people. But, sometimes in life, people will not be fair, and take advantage of the situation. When this happen, you need to stand for your rights. Explain to him that this is not about pride, being strong, being weak, etc.
He needs to understand that you need to do "what's is right and fair" make it clear that you are not trying to change him, because his character, and his kindness is the reason why you fell in love with him in the 1st place. I hope you can have a nice talk, and I hope your husband can understand the point.
Good luck/best wishes
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2011): For this one specific incident - the contractor - you best handle it yourself.For the long term: you can't change another person, only they can change themsevles and that has to mean that they want to change themselves. Don't pressure him to be more assertive or criticize him for being the way he is because that just makes him feel bad and when you make people feel bad they're even less likely to accept what you're saying.Instead just continue to point out to him whenever he is getting taken advantage of, and the cost and consequence to him and you and the family. but do so in a non-critical non judgmental way. Don't describe him in negative terms like "doormat" or "wimp." Don't make judgments on his character, just stick to the actual behavior and its tangible consequences. In other words, do continue to point it out, but without the emotion (frustration, disappointment) attached to it. Maybe some day it will sink in. Maybe it won't. but if it will, this is the only way it can happen.
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A
female
reader, Candid Cally +, writes (4 December 2011):
Take photos of the damage and document when they were paid, your attempts to contact them, and any conversations you have had with them regarding the damage. Keep track of people you spoke to, and the dates you spoke with them.
If the contractor is licensed, find your state's website for contractors and file a complaint with the appropriate department.
If the contractor is unlicensed, find your state's department that deals with unlicensed contractors and notify them that the contractor is operating without a license.
Go to the better business bureau's website and submit a complaint about the contractor and/or business they operate under.
Speak with a lawyer about possibly filing a lawsuit to pay for the repairs to your property. A decent lawyer should not charge you a fee for an initial consultation.
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