A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for almost ten years. My husband is a good man; kind and loving. However, for the eleven years i have known him, he has had little confidence. He doesn't have great social skills, and finds conversation difficult. He doesn't have any real friends, and even finds work-relationships hard to maintain. He feels that people don't respect him, and that they don't like him. I have tried to help him, encourage him, and advise him on his social skills. Just recently, it occurred to me that we have been having these same conversations for ten years and he's still not doing anything differently. I asked him if he had ever considered seeing a counsellor to work some stuff out, but he said no. At this point, i feel that even though he's unhappy with his life he's unwilling to make any effort to change things at his end. This is heartbreaking for me. I can see how people wouldn't respect him; he doesn't have the courage of his convictions, or even any convictions at all. I am starting to lose respect for him myself as he is so willing to blame others for his problems. I want to help him, but can't see what else i can do. This is really affecting how i feel about him. I find myself crying often these days at the hopelessness of the situation. Has anybody else here been through anything like this?
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female
reader, YessniaCQ  +, writes (18 October 2010):
Hi, I have the same problem with my husband. I got married with him at an early age. I been married with him fifteen years. I love him. He is a great men, but he does not have any social skills or good friends. Not even family take him seriously, and this situation is really staring to affect me. I don't know what to do. I have talk with him about it, and says he will try to take my tip but he does not.
A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (6 March 2007):
 You may see your husband as being unhappy and lonely but maybe he really doesn't see it that way. At some level most people think work colleagues are out to get them and in some cases they really are! It sounds like your husband doesn't crave the need for a lot of company and some people are just like that. He maybe one of these people who just likes being unhappy...if you know what I mean! Some people are just naturally melancholic. Imagine if he did get treatment and transformed himself into an out-going sociable person who was never there for you - perhaps he wouldn't be the man you met, loved and married?
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A
female
reader, Millyella  +, writes (6 March 2007):
 I agree with tellulah; your husband has been like this for a long time now and has no reason to change. This is obviously upsetting you too, and it's time to communicate this to him. He is probably unhappy that he doesn't have good friends, and good working relationships. I think that he would benefit from one-to-one counselling initially, to identify the areas that he needs help in. And maybe later, group therapy to help develop his social skills. Lots of people don't have well developed communication or social skills, but there are ways to correct that. Counselling will benefit enormously if the issue is self-esteem and confidence.
Later on, you can try marriage counselling if you feel you both need it. But right now, he needs to do some work on himself, and if/when he does this he'll need your support.
You sound like a very caring person, and i know that you'll support him if he makes this effort. You may need to be firm when you tell him how important this is for your marriage; he has a long history of not doing anything about his issues, and he may not want to do anything about it now if there are no consequences for him. This is no longer just his problem, it is affecting you too, and your marriage.
Good luck to you both.
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A
female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (6 March 2007):
 Hi,
What a wonderfull, suportive and positive person you are.
Do you think the problem may lie in the fact that you have all these skills but he has none. The trouble is, he has been getting away with being like this for years, and has no reason to change.
Im not suggesting that you leave him, but being a bit firmer may help. Does he go out with you, with your family or friends?. Or is he left behind?.
It may be that rather than the fact people dont respect him, perhaps they find him hard to approach. Some people can be very hard work, so he is not alone in being like this.
You say he has no confidence, do you know why that is?. Maybe you could get him to open up to you, if you went to a marriage guidence Councillor to-gether.
Dont lose faith in him, he sounds like he really needs you.
XX best of luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2007): Often it is the wifes job to put herself down, so that she can lift him up. I would suggest, if you are not already doing so, that you find ways to make him feel like he is helping you. A mans instinct is to provide for his wife and sometimes we don't let them do that. Make sure your lake of respect for him isn't showing through because that will be devestating for him.
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