A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:my husband has a drink problem, we have been together for 8 years and married for 4, at first i never noticed how much he was drinking. my husband is a jekel amd hyde, when he is sober its like we have jsut met, he is kind funny and great to be around, but is a nightmare when he is drunk, he has threw me and my children out countless times (always in the evening) but like a fool, i beleive him whne he says he will stop, im at my wits end, i dont think i love him anymore , and my moods are starting to get worse, and i dread coming home, i cant stand him touching me when he has a drink, and he always blames me for having affairs ( im a full time student with 3 kids, i dont have time to eat never mind have affairs)i just dont know what to do, can anyone please give me some advice,do i stay and get him help, or should i go?
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female
reader, bad1968  +, writes (16 November 2008):
I too am going through the same thing i hate to come home and then when i do i wonder when he will come home and if he will be sober. cant stand when he is drunk and touches me. I dont know what to do dont know how to get help
A
female
reader, Cateyes +, writes (17 April 2007):
 Being married once to an alcoholic, I truly understand how you feel. I have walked in your shoe's and have had the same feelings as you have. HOWEVER, what I realized and learned, is that no matter what, YOU cannot change, fix or make him become sober no matter what. HE has to want to become sober PERIOD! When and if he chooses, he could and can change with other issues that he may have, and I am sure he has more then one problem, you just may be overlooking it or them. You may bring up to your husband that you want him to quit drinking and see what he does. You may introduce him to an Alcoholic Annonomous book or even let him know where they hold meetings at, but that is the extent of it all. He has to take it from there. If he chooses not to, then, as much as I hate to say it, it only get's worse and I am sure you know what I am talking about. I would hope you would think of the safety of your children (as well as yourself) and I would hope that you would not want your children to see and have your children want to become just like him. Remember...monkey see monkey do? Always the possibility and I do believe in that! It took my ex 4 times in a rehab center and then finally to AA. However, when he was in AA, we finally separated and then a year later divorced. It wasn't the same and I caught him dating/sleeping with another woman from there who was also a recovering alcoholic. Major trust issues brought us to divorce. I am truly happy now and he has been sober for 11 years and I am very proud of him. However, I know deep in my heart, we were not meant to be nor for us to stay together. I have been single since we divorced and I am a very happy woman with no regrets. I was scared at first, but we fear so much of the unknown instead of viewing it as a new beginning. It's with that new beginning that we discover we can do anything we desire and make the most of it. It's all about the choice and the choice we make with our lives of where we will be and end up. I think you already know what you should do, it's just doing it. I know that you may say you don't love him, but remember, it's not him you don't love, it's what the alcohol does to him, but there is nothing YOU can do, unless he wants to seek treatment himself AND really want to stop drinking....not just quit for a week every other month. I know that trick all to well to! I will pray you make the right choice as I did. Every alcoholic has to have their own rock bottom, and each one is different on what it could be....no one will ever know what it is 100%. You could still divorce him and he may never stop drinking. It's not necessarily a divorce that makes a person quit either just so you will know! Or the threat, because I have done that as well and it doesn't work! Think of yourself, think of your children....that is what you really need to focus on and your safety and well being. Take care and good luck.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (16 April 2007):
 I agree with the Doc, you need to get away from the guy. That is the best way to help him. Don't let him back into your life until he has sobered up and stayed sober. Sometimes people have to hit rock bottom before they realize they have a big problem. Don't let him take you and the kids with him as he crashes. He is the only one that can kick the bottle so do him a favor, not to mention yourself and the kids, get the heck out. It might be all it takes to make him realize what he's doing with his life and start changing his ways. And as I say don't take him back until he been sober for quite a awhile, and remember an alcoholic is addicted for life.
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A
male
reader, Dr. Mark  +, writes (16 April 2007):
You need to get out as quickly as you can. Leave when he isn't home, and get somewhere safe. You can never change a person, and the best thing for him right now, is to know that you are strong enough to take this step. He may get himself help, but his help ultimately has to come from inside himself. If you try to help him, you will become a co-dependent.
This might feel terribly terrible difficult for you, but you have to get out. Yours and your children's emotional and physical safety is the most important thing to you right now.
When you go to leave, if you need to pack up quickly to get out, try to have some friends with you, like your girlfriend's husband, or perhaps a close male relative. You don't want to be vulnerable if he comes back earlier than you are expecting.
I also suggest that you find a counsellor to help you through this. If you don't know where to get one from, your family doctor should be able to help. There are also organizations like AA for the family of alcholics. You should be able to find your local one in the yellow pages under Social and Human Services groups or Mental Health.
Life is too short to be living for someone else!
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