A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Please help me!I met my husband 2 years and 8 months ago. My husband is Canadian and I am English. We have been married for 1 year and 6 months. We got married in the USA and I had to return to the UK for 2 months straight after we got married. This is normal for us to have to spend time apart for work reasons.When I returned to Canada (2 months after we got married) I found out that my husband had been in close intense contact via email to his ex girlfriend for the first 7 months of our relationship. The emails were very intimate and he even spoke to her on the phone. I was devastated by this news but decided I would try to forgive him. Then a couple of days later I discovered that my husband had also been taking cocaine behind my back for the first 6 months of our relationship and again 2 months after we got married (when I had to return to UK). I do not condone drugs in any way and I am very against them. I was shocked and devastated but again, after long hard thinking, I decided to try to forgive him.We then got a good job together abroad, me as a manager and my husband as the assistant manager. Things became very intense between us, mostly due to me finding it hard to move on and forgive my husband and because he does not respect me as a wife or a manager. Eventually our arguments became so bad that my husband hit me across the face. He said my behaviour made him do it. I had to go to my superiors at work and my husband lost his job and had to return to Canada. A month later I also left my job and returned to the UK. My husband vowed that her would change while in Canada and get a job and go to counselling, but he didn't.When I returned to UK I enrolled, paid for and attended counselling for a consultation session. After 1 month my husband returned to the UK and we attended 1 counselling session together. Unfortunately, due to work commitments we were unable to continue with marriage councelling. We tried to help ourselves but on Boxing day I discovered porn on my husbands computer. I exploded and feel betrayed in every way by my husband. We eventually talked and I discovered that my husband has viewed porn regularly since before we met until now. Needless to say, we only had sex about 5 times in our first year of marriage. To add to all of this I cannot trust my husband with money. If he has any in his possession he will spend every penny of it in minimal time.He says he will change and that I can trust him. But I can't. He is now back in Canada and after I sent him 3 emails begging for the truth, he finally admitted to cheating on me. The first time was just 3 days after started dating. He did everything with this girl (a friend of mine), except sex. He said he was too drunk to have sex with her but he would have if he could have. Then he confessed about another girl, apparantly "she kissed him" but he did not kiss her. This apparantly happened the night before he proposed to me, 7 months into our relationship.Then he confessed the worst one. He kissed another girl at a football game in Canada just 2 months ago. I am so deverstated. My world has fallen apart. He says he loves me and is terrified that our marriage will end. He always says "now he has told me everything" but then I always find out more lies. He has been to 1 counselling session on his own in Canada. Straight after his latest revelations I sent him an email that our marriage is over, and I do feel I mean it. But then he sent an email out to my friends saying it was all my fault and that I am the bully and I have made his life hell. This is simply not true. Why would he do this to me? His mum and family hate me because he has lied to them about me. They blame me and think I am hurtful and nasty for speaking out about what my husband has done to me. I had to especially after he hit me. I had to protect myself. My husband is a compulsive liar. I believe he has an illness. Please tell me what I should do. Of course I still love him, love doesn't go away overnight. I am a strong woman. Should I leave him forever or see if he gets help and try to save my marriage again? I can do either, I just don't know which one is right. Please help me! Thank You!
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at work, drugs, drunk, ex girlfriend, his ex, liar, lost his job, money, move on, porn Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, EYES  +, writes (7 August 2010):
I HAVE A BOYFRIEND AND I BELEAVE HE IS CHEATIN ON ME AND HE ALWAYS TRYIN TO HIDE IT...I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DOSHOULD I LEAVE OR STAY''
A
female
reader, egyptian1967  +, writes (9 September 2008):
I feelfor you ladies I am at the point that I feel numb. I met my husband when i was 17 and he was 22 and I dont know when it started but somehow everything that my husband say's is a lie from the most smallestof lies to the biggest and yes he has a problem with porn also and he smokes pot and takes cocain to i am always finding socks around the bedroom with his stuff on it it is discusting I am 41 yrs old and every time I confront him with anything he just tells another lie he has managed to alienat us from everyone we have 3 daughters and 2 of my girls the 12 yr old and the 16 yr old is on to his shit but my 13 yr old he playes on her feeling by making her feel sorry for him like i am always trying to start everything. I think that this is a serious problem and that your man needs help like mine are they going to really get it in this life time I truly do not think so I am serously thinking about ending it becuase i have given so many chances he behaves for a little while then he is right back to the same shit.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2008): If you stay u will suffer tremendously more. There are plenty more men that are good ..leave his ass
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A
female
reader, ee +, writes (13 June 2008):
Hi
I just want to say that i am in the same boat as you. My husband and I have been married for 14 months. He proposed to me after 5 months into our relationship, we waited for a year to get married and i have found out many lies since the,
He too lied about keeping in contact with his ex gilrfriend, thru email and phone conversations, then he lied about dating one of our mutual friends, then he lied about what happen at his bachelor party. I have always forgive him but to be honest i can't trust him the same way anymore. I tried talking to him, i even talked him about of lying to his parents not too long ago and just yesterday i found out he lied to me about money. He had money stacked away and said was to make me a surprise when he was a chipo buying our rings and let me pay for vacation bymyself. The worst is that he doesn't think he is doing something wrong, he says he does that not to hurt me.
I am desperate don't know what to do, i love him but i don't want to live the rest of my life with a men that lies to me.
Please help!!!!!
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (2 February 2008):
 I'm sorry this is taking place. It's hard. What's even harder to recognize is that he can't just change. I'm sorry for that too. I know you must be hurt. I wish you could just take a pill to make the pain go away, as you can with a headache. Unfortunately this is going to take much more work.
Weather you stay with him or not, he needs help. Instead of sending him to "regular" counseling sessions, he needs to undergo a full psychological evaluation. That's just the beginning. Your husband has an abnormal behavior disorder, more than likeley inlcuding depression, some antisocial characteristics, low self esteem, etc.
I'm not going to make excuses for his behavior. But some people use sex and drugs, not for the recreational use we'd generally think. I can almost bet, being undiagnosed or treated, those activities are used more as a way to self medicate. Such as, I have non-attentive ADHD. I'm on medication. If I were to do cocaine. I might feel a little something, but all it would mainly do is regulate my brain to an almost normal level for a short period of time. Sex, or cheating, is sometimes used too. Many disorders require the neurotransmitters to be stimulated. Sex is a natural stimulation.
The other issues that pointed me to the "behavioral disorders". His lying. Have you ever felt as if you were completely out of place from being normal. Often people with undiagnosed disorders lie because they all ready feel as if they are a failure. By telling the truth, to them, means you'd be looking at them as a failure too. Not taking accountability for their actions is the same way. They feel by taking accountability for something they personally do wrong means they failed another time. He manipulates the truth to others. It's easier for them to see you as a failure and mean, than it is for people close to him to view the fact that he made some big mistakes.
Now, it's not up to you to be the cure. You don't have to stay with him. If you do, I'm telling you now, the process for him is going to be a trying experience to recover and retrain his views.
I wish you the best. Take care.
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