A
female
age
41-50,
*encane
writes:My husband lacks inertia to things happened around our home but very eager to help out when his parents need assistance. He shares thoughts with his mother but not me. I feel emotionally very distance from him.He gives his money every end of month and not my mother. if we are to travel he wants his mother to know. If i want to fire a maid in the house he wants me to tell his mother before making any decision.When i suggest buying or building a house, he says whos going to look after his mother if we leave her. He discuss everything with his mother, he drops me at work every morning and then goes to spend time with his mother. When he buys me present, he gives his mother or younger sister the gift to wrap it for him then gives it to me.Everytime we have an argurment he tells his mother that i was wrong.
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (8 October 2008):
 Hi, you seem to be competing with his mother for his attention and losing. What an awful position to be in.
How long have you two been married? And have you discussed your feelings with him?
So, what to do. You cannot change his feelings or his behavior, you can only change yours.
So, first, you must not ever let on that you are angry with his mother for coming first in her son's life. If you can manage to do it, call his mother everyday, after you speak with yours. The idea is that you form your own bond with his mother. It will be work and may be difficult because you are so unhappy with the situation, but if you can manage to get into her good graces, this may ease some of the tension.
Now, that doesn't mean that you have to accept this inequity in the treatment between your families. You just have to do things gracefully and without any signs of anger.
So from now on, whenever he gives money to his mother, give the exact same amount, minus one penny if you want to make a point, to yours. If he questions you, tell him that you thought he wished to honor your mother in the same way that he honors his. That will be difficult for him to argue with. If he does, just stay calm and say that you thought that your parents were as dear to him as you are to his mother. That might confuse him for a bit, and will give him something to think about.
The travel thing, telling his mother, well, I actually think that is reasonable. Just be sure to tell EVERYONE that you are traveling, so that she doesn't seem to be getting some kind of special treatment.
Firing the maids. Hmm. I am not sure of what your culture prescribes in this, but if I were you, I would go ahead and fire the maids without even consulting him. If he finds fault in this, you must remind him that it is your job to run the household. In your daily calls to his mother, you could say that you have learned so much from her about how to run a household and you are so grateful that you can now do this so well due to her. It's all a big fat lie, but if you do this with a smile on your face and in your voice, who can doubt you?
In those daily calls to his mother, start to bring up building a house. You can tell her that her son has been wanting to build a house for many many years but has been concerned that she would find it difficult to cope with. That you believe he truly wishes this but doesn't want to disappoint her or make her sad. Be cheerful and sweet and nice all the time with her, even if you don't feel that way.
When he gives you that present not wrapped by his hands, thank him very nicely, but then make sure to call his sister or his mother and be very very positive (I want to use the word 'gush' but I'm not sure it will mean anything to you). Tell them that it was the most delightful wrapping job and it was just beautiful and you appreciate it so much. Appreciate the sister or mother's work more than you do his present to you. And call his sister or his mother in his presence when you do this.
As far as the arguments go, to be honest, do you tell your mother the same thing he tells his? If so, maybe this isn't something to be angry about.
So, the real question, the real problem is that you feel emotionally distanced from your husband, and you have identified his mother as being the problem.
You have no choice but to let him know, as nicely and as sweetly as possible, that this has happened. Maybe you could ask him if his mother felt the same way about her mother-in-law, and felt emotionally distanced from her own husband. This will be a very difficult conversation and the thing is that you have to listen to each other very carefully. You have to try to stay strong and not weep and become angry, as he will not listen after this. You must work on being calm, and gentle and loving to him while you have this difficult conversation.
One more thought for you. If he is not doing something around the house that needs to be done, a major repair, my advice is to tell him three times, a week apart each time, that this thing needs doing or fixing. If he doesn't get it done or organize having it done, then YOU do it. You go ahead and call the repair person and have the problem fixed. If he argues with you about this, stay sweet and calm. "I reminded you several times about this, and then I realized that you were too busy to worry about such a small, little, trivial detail, so I made sure it would be done. You have so little time in the day, and family is so important, that I respect you for that and want to make your life easier."
If you do this often enough, and spend enough money on this, he will realize that he needs to handle the simple repairs himself.
So, stay calm, stay sweet. Ingratiate yourself with his mother and start to plant the seeds in her mind that her son wants to do things but doesn't want to hurt her.
Make sure that your family is treated with equal respect and dignity and money gifts.
And let him know that you do feel distant about this and are sad about it, not angry. Sad, and still you wish for his happiness.
Good luck!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2008): Is your guy much much younger than you? He sounds immature to me and still tied to his mothers apron strings. You need to explain to him that if he wants a mature relationship with you he needs to demonstrate where his priorities are. I fear on the whole you have a battle on your hands ahead and to be honest I would be feeling (and have) like you it starts affecting your intimacy and respect for a man that behaves like a little boy running to Mother. If he cannot change then I would leave him and tell him why.
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