A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My husband has gone away for a few days and I decided to be nosy and looked at his e-mail account. I found a couple of e-mails that he has sent to women thanking them for the photos of their naked bodies they have sent him and for one of them he has sent them a photo of his privates. This has really upset me and I don't know what to do and if I should approach him about this. We have been married for 4 years next month. Can you help? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2007): This is very serious. I always have believed that a gut instinct is the most powerful indicator of a partner up to no good. Many who post on this site will come back at you and take you to task for 'invading his privacy". I view this matter differently. No matter he behaves indignantly about this invasion of privacy, you stand your ground. His 'emails' to these women speak loud and clear on how he invaded the domain of your marriage and crumbled its protective boundaries, in the first place. He certainlt didn't give that any clear forethought, did he? For you to have done this..you sensed he was up to something.He shattered the 'trust' and he broke the contract of the marriage. In a nutshell, it was the act of betrayal. Spying does not damage the marriage. It is an attempt to seek the truth and resolve the pain and deception. Only the truth can provide a foundation from which to begin resolving the hurt, pain and forging a direction for the marriage and enable each person in the marriage to attain health and sanity. So you make him own up to what he did. You need to compile the evidence and lay it all out for him to see. Then ask for an explanation. He is the other half of this marriage and he went over the boundries. He might say he was curious, but he purposely was putting the marriage at risk by contacting other women. It could've been just a matter of time..and one of his 'contacts' would've met up with him, in real life. But for now, the psychological implications in my view is, emotional cheating, on his part.
You have some big thinking to do here about the state of your marriage. Marriage counselling will help with trust building being the main focus because "trust or lack of it' will now be a huge issue in the future of this marriage if you don't get it resolved. If you both survive this latest fiasco of his, I will suggest that you and he practice 'open, free access' to each other's activities on the computer. Why? I sais this before and I will repeat it again. I believe that when two people get married or commit to each in a love relationship, they share a life, so they share 'personal space'. Doing just this, builds trust and keeps the relationship solidified. No secrets, family e-mail addresses, 'open book' policy. The whole concept of a marriage is sharing all we do and have, with the other. This attitude really does build unity and respect, within a couple's relationship for each other.
I know of many couples who do know each other's passwords, they share the same e-mail addresses, (no hidden ones) and they look at each other's emails all the time..anytime. Nothing is hidden-these couples never, ever think about their action as an 'invasion of privacy'...never! That's totally foreign to them. And the common thread of these couples...they all have long lasting, long-term, quality relationships. Why...because they 'trust' each other and they both prove it everyday by allowing each other into their own lives. They both take a sincere interest in each other's lives..they both share the notes and conversations they have had with other people. Why do they do this? Because they understand when you truely love another person, you do everything to ensure that the love and trust in this relationship is secure and safe. They do believe in sharing, not living a separate life apart from their partners. Relationships like this do last longer over the long run. Because the 'trust' is the key building block in any great marriage.
So I hope your marriage can pull through this but he will have to 'pull up his socks' and make hard efforts to earn back your trust. I am sorry this has happened. When I read stories like yours...someday I do curse the internet but all we do in life is... choice! And he made the worst possible choice. Make him own up to it. Take care, sweety and I wish you strength and best wishes.
A
female
reader, YummyMummy +, writes (15 June 2007):
 I think you should approah him as it has clearly upset you. I found a photo on my partner's phone of another woman's bits and I went bellistic at him. Mainly because of my hormones as Im pregnant. After I'd finished shouting me and him sat down and chatted about what the situation was but he had to listen to how I felt and had been made to feel by finding that picture. He hadn't sent any back in return but the fact he hadn't thought to delete the pic or tell me that a so called mate that fancied him had decided to send it to him hurt.
Hope that helps
xxxxxxxxx
...............................
A
female
reader, flower girl +, writes (15 June 2007):
 I'm not surprised you are upset about this i would be too if i were you, you should and have every right to ask him about this he owes you an explanation if you don't confront him about this it will probably carry on and do you really want to be in a relationship with someone like this.
See what his responce is and then you have to decide from there what to do.
Take care and keep us updated if you want to.xx.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2007): Hello there, firstly you shouldnt be going through his emails as that is invading his personal privacy and after all how would you like it if he went looking through your mobile or your emails?there must a little bit of trust missing if you wanted to do that in the first place. Ok so you have two choices, 1. Sit down and be honest with him, tell him you went through his emails and found the pictures and ask him why he feels the need to do this or 2.Don't say anything until you find more evidence that he is up to know good but if you choose option 2 this is going to eat away at you and will be no good for your marriage.
Best of luck i really do hope everything will be ok for you xx
...............................
|
