A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:My husband had recently reconnected with his high school friends. One of them is a girl who he has said was one of his closer friends in high school. Now that they've reconnected they have been chatting on line at least once a week if not more, sending messages through facebook and calling each other on a regular or weekly basis. Since reconnecting with his friends in facebook, my husband has opened his own e-mail account and had changed his facebook password. His reason for this is that since we share an e-mail address,we can't seem to delete old e-mails and it gets harder to sort through the e-mails. They have been out to lunch twice in the last month(first time since they got together in Sept.09).The first attempt they made to meet for lunch fell through because my husband got sick, i found this out through his messages to her on facebook.When I confronted him about it he told me that he was going to tell me but since it didn't go through anyway he didn't feel that he needed to tell me. The second attempt they made , my husband wrote it down on his calendar w/c i have access to but did not write the girls name. When I asked him who he was having lunch with, he did not lie and told me exactly who he was having lunch with. I told him about how I feel, that I was outright jealous and do not like him going out for lunch with her. The second time they went for lunch, he told me the night before the scheduled lunch date. He told me that it was just arranged 2 days ago and even then he wasn't sure if he could make it.I was completely mad and jealous and brooded all night. He then preceded to tell me that this was the reason why he didn't want to tell me, because of my reaction. He offered to cancel his lunch date with her but I felt that if he did that he would blame me and recent me for it and I will never hear the end of it. He had offered to introduce me to her and her husband and the rest of his core group ever since the begining but we could not get a set schedule for eveyrone to meet. She is also married and have a busy schedule. When I asked my husband what they talk about he always says that they just go down memory lane and they talk about family and recent events regarding their immidiate family and their extended biological family. They seem to have a lot in common, they were both in choir, they both like the same music they're both very smart(she's a lawyer and deals with divorce cases to name a few) and just recently they have both got reaquainted with their biological families (both were adopted when they were kids). My husband tells me that they just talk about things that they have in common like most recently their biological families and our kids. I feel that my husband never lies about his contact with her, when I ask him questions about her he always answers me. I have not notice any changes in his demeanor and affection towards me. I just feel threatened by this girl because of their commonality and their past friendship.When I asked my husband why he doesn't have lunch with the other 2 girls in their group, his response to me is that he was closest to this girl. I recall my husband telling me that he had a big crush on her when they were in high school but he also reassures me that there is nothing going on with them, that he loves me and that Iam the only one for him.Our sex life and intimacy had not changed. I have not seen anything different with my husband's interacion with me. My concern is that maybe right now there is nothing going on but my fear is that this might develop into a deeper relationship and i am scared specially if they continue having lunch and communicating with each other. Should I trust him and pray that nothing truly happens? Can a married woman be good friends with a married man? I sometimes want to send her a message through facebook to ask her how she sees my husband, but i'm scared that my husband would have a fit and leave me and I don't want to look like the overly jealous wife. Am i just being too unreasonable and jealous? Please help! I need your advice.
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female
reader, hpoco  +, writes (24 April 2010):
 I just wanted to respond to your follow-up. That girl should absolutely want to meet you (it should be a real priority for her). It sounds like you don't really suspect your husband, which is great. And him waiting to meet with her for lunch again until you can meet her is a great sign. It shows he puts your needs first. You weren't being unreasonable or too jealous I don't think, but it also sounds like your husband has no intentions of cheating on you.I think its important to note that they have the adoption issue in common. Its a very unique life experience that not everyone can relate to. It could be what is really propelling their friendship. I hope you can meet her and be friends with her as well. Good luck!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNice girl, thanks for your advice. I have actually been following up on his messages to her on facebook. So far I have not seen anything incriminating or anything suspicious about the messages they have been sending each other. When chatting with her on fb, he does not close the screen, he continues to chat with hereven when i'm around and even sometimes tells her that she should talk to me about getting a mini reunion going(she didn't want to do that since she says she really doesn't know me). I have no doubt of my husband's affection for me,and like i said he's behavior towards me still hasn't changed. We still hold hands when we're up and about, he holds my hands during long drives, he waits up for me at night before he goes to bed,calls everyday when he's out of town on business trips and he tells me i love you before we go to bed. The list can go on and I certainly want to believe him and trust him.Like i said the biggest fear is just hoping that nothing comes out of this friendship. He did promise me though that he won't have lunch with her anymore until i meet her and her husband.Regarding rule no# 4 unfortunately, I did not grow up in this country, most of my crushes and exes are not from here so it really is difficult to reconnect and have drinks with them, another thing is that my husband was my first and last boyfriend when i migrated to this country, i don't have any current boy friends and i'm always shy and intimidated around them anyway.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2010): I smell a rat.
First of all, you are having a normal response. It isn't jealousy, it's fear. Be careful to not misinterpret your feelings as being wrong. Let's look at this from the other side shall we -
What would your husband feel if you reconnected with your high school crush? Talked on the phone with him? Emailed, texted, Facebook, Etc.? What would your husband feel if you arranged lunch with your high school crush without telling him?
I ask this because it's important to observe what your relationship is; if you agree these things are fine, then you don't have a problem. It seems to me you don't have an agreement with your husband that all or some of these things are fine, else you wouldn't be here feeling this fear asking for advice.
Rule number one: If you suspect it, you're right.
Rule two: Any level of secrecy, such as disallowance to a new email account, hiding of conversations, hiding plans, hiding actions indicates more than what you are being led to believe.
Rule three: Always call him on his claims. For example, in this case, I would tell him to go ahead and arrange that dinner get together with this girl and her husband and kids this Friday. I've had to do this myself. It's very effective at squelching these embryonic affairs.
Rule four: Do the same thing. Set up a reconnection with an old crush and get lunch and conversations going. Let him discover it. Discuss it. Get it out there. You may not like how strange it feels, but it is an incredibly effective exercise in making things fair.
I personally think you're in for a ride if you let this get out of hand. Take control of your need to have an open and honest relationship with a mate. Don't let anyone fool you!!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2010): I think ,you have right to feel that way. I actually can totally relate to your problem. This is a new way of wrecking marriages..Face book and internet. How would such an old thing could be pulled out without that? Yet it is totally your husband ' weakness. Man is easy to deceive. Their self esteem is based on their young ego. They never seem to forget that 17 years old boy... But they are not!. See it is an old cliche, I dont say, woman will not end up doing this,but they have way less chance. They are somehow more mature, they dont refuse growing ,and progressing.. My husband didn't act on it ,but this old things lurking around, and sadly his sex drive is gone too. I dont know ,if its connected to that, but he is not really crazy about me, I can tell that. The other thing ,they will deny everything ,until they can. But that he already made such an action behind your back, I think he gone too far, and you need to protect yourself from damage. It feels ,that you feel lower ,,than this prefect old goody girl.Please dont! You are the one ,who put up with this guy ,not her. I did the same kind of comparing. The wife is always less,than an imaginary dream, until it is a dream! Please take care of yourself, and be very confident. Maybe try thinking about how can you manage alone, if things go nasty. Let me know how things are, and take care!
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (22 April 2010):
 I don't think you should worry about it. The reason why she was his crush is because she chose her own husband, and not yours. There is no need to meet her husband. The conversation will be boring and just be about those two and you will feel left out. Don't send her a message. Unless she says she's interested in meeting you too, you will come across as "don't you dare touch my husband!", even if you try to sound innocent by asking a question. No your husband won't have a fit and leave you, but nothing is going to stop him from reconnecting with friends. He's not going to shut all females out just because he's married. I believe married people can be friends with other married people. This was at least 15 years ago, she probably became a totally different person that he can't even recognize. I assume only extremely lonely, neglected people would get taken advantage of when someone from long time ago tries to hook up with them. You sound like you are in a solid relationship. Have confidence in yourself, release your fear and give your husband the freedom to relive his fond high school memories.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2010): I think you should meet her, maybe your view will change.
Being an adopted child myself I can related to my other friends who were adopted a well. I would also much rather talk about it with someone who was adopted as well.
However,
Do you know if she was an old flame?
You can't judge the situation until you witness it.
I think you should meet her, if she is ONLY a friend. I dont see why it would be an issue.
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