A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:My husband has had affair. We have been married 30 years?. He had affair 16 years ago. Our two kids know about it. What should I do?
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female
reader, sunset93 +, writes (12 April 2016):
as said above, the easiest advice is to say "dump him and move on" but of course that isn't always the solution as every relationship is different.Although I've not been married (yet) - I can offer some advice based on being cheated on before so I hope this helps. Give yourself time to process what happened. And explain to him you need this time. Wherever this is taking time out, seeing friends or family, or moving away from the family home (him or you) do whatever you need to get the space and distance to process this. Theres no point rushing to a resolution until you've really got your head around the affair, it's like putting a plaster over it. The wounds will still be there and whilst they're still raw, you can't make a solid decision.Try and find out why he did it, see if theres anything you can improve as a couple together to avoid this occurring again (obviously its his fault, you didn't make him cheat - but maybe there were intimacy issues or issues with him he wasn't open about that lead to it?)Most of all, figure out if you can forgive him. But take it slow and give yourself time to figure this out. If you decide to continue your marriage, then take small steps to get back on track and forgive him for his mistakes. It won't happen overnight, but time is a great healer.If you decide to end it, get lots of support off family and friends and be honest with him and the kids. It may be hard at the beginning, but trust is the foundation of a relationship, if you can't forgive this betrayal, don't drag yourself through more grief if you know it's not right for you. The kids, money, and everything else will fall into place in time.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (12 April 2016):
 You should do what you feel is right for you at the moment. This is very hard for you to deal with, and if you only just found out well then it is a shock to your system, it may have been a long time ago but its still as hurtful.
Do you feel that you would be able to forgive him for this affair? Have you both sat and spoke about it and has he give you an explanation as to why he done this to you? Do you honestly feel that you can still trust him?
Generally if the trust has gone in a marriage it takes a lot of hard work from both people to try and get it back, sadly some people never get it back and they stay in a marriage unhappy. Maybe you need to go to counselling.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2016): Thanks for your answer. He was working abroad at the time, I went out to visit him and was told by a "friend" then. I have been to counselling but he will not go, and will not talk about it. The kids found out from school friends and apparantly there was a fight. Think the kids were protecting me. I know her name and also know it was a "one off".
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (12 April 2016):
 I'm really sorry you're going through this. I know that no matter if the affair just happened, or you just found out about something that happened over a decade ago, the feelings you're going through are just as raw as ever.
In order to best give you advice, can you give us more information? How did you find out? Do you know who he had the affair with? Was she known? A one night stand? An ongoing years-long affair? How did your kids find out? Why didn't they alert you? Is the affair over? If it is over, how did it end? Were there other affairs you DID know about, or up until this point, you thought he was 100% faithful? And finally, have you and he attended marriage counseling in the past, and if so, what was it for?
That would give me a better idea of what we're dealing with, and while it's easy to say "DUMP THE GUY!", it's too easy of an answer, especially on a 30-year marriage. It might eventually come to that, but at least the advice won't be generic.
One thing I can tell you is - whatever the reason your kids didn't tell you, don't be too hard on them. I know you may feel betrayed, but there are a lot of terrifying reasons why they didn't, not the least of which they were just kids when it happened, and telling you might have meant the wreck of their entire lives. The children of an affair are the ones I feel for the most, and why I am so hard on cheaters and single people who sleep with them, especially ones with children.
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