A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I got married 5 years ago. We rushed into marriage after a year of LDR, during which I found out he had a 3 year old kid with somebody else. I believed him telling me he had no relationship with the mother of his child (Ana). A couple months after we got married Ana contacted me telling me that he has been "in a relationship" with her and me at the same time but she broke up with him after she found out we got married.After endless attempts of confronting the hubby he still wouldn't own up to his actions and just kept saying his ex is just a crazy bitch. I can't say I believed him but I pretended I did to avoid further drama and just tried to forgive him for the sake of our marriage.Fast forward a year and a half I was dropping his son off at Ana's house when we started talking and she informed me that AFTER we got married he still tried to make it work with her telling her he only married me for money to put himself on his feet and help her. (mind you I'm not reach whatsoever). So turned out he had been playing me and her for another year or so after our wedding. Ana also told me she ended things with him because she met somebody. So basically they broke up 3-4 months before I found out about it.I didn't have any proof besides her words so of course after bringing it up to him he said that no such thing happened. I was heartbroken but being a dumb 20 year old decided that I'm gonna give him another chance ...yet again...After the last incident I've caught him twice creating fake Instagram accounts that I haven't known about. First time he told me it was for him to gain followers by tagging random girls to get his new business going, second time he was denying it was his but after I threatened with divorce he said it was to follow his co-workers that he didn't wanna follow through his actual Instagram or some bullshit like that.As of today we have been officially married for 5 years. The last time he cheated with his ex was about 4 years ago. The 1st Instagram nonsense happened about a year and a half ago and the second time - 4 months ago.I love him and I'm almost completely sure he is not cheating physically. He rarely goes out with his friends and we spend all of our free time together. He wants kids but now I'm starting to realize that I'm not completely over the fact that he has cheated in the beginning of our relationship. It took me a long time to make piece with it but I am not over it completely.He wants to start a family and even though I still love him and want kids I am not sure if I should stay in this marriage.He also gets abusive when I bring those issues up especially when he is drunk. He has never actually hit me, but he did say that if I decide to leave he would not let me and that nobody would want to date me.None of my friends or family knows about this whole situation as I don't wanna be judged if things work out with him.I would really like to know other people's opinion on the subject.
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broke up, cheated on me, co-worker, divorce, drunk, heartbroken, his ex, money, wedding Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (21 October 2015):
 WHY.....???? would you want to spend even another MINUTE with this creature????? You and he seem to have nothing in-common.... except the anguish which HE can visit upon YOU!!!
Good luck...
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (21 October 2015):
 And there I was willing to give the dude a break and you threw in the abuse part. Nope any guy that abuses a woman in my book is a first rate A-hole and gets no sympathy. Leave the clown before you make an even bigger mistake.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (21 October 2015):
 LEAVE.
LEAVE NOW
he is abusive both mentally and verbally
he is a liar
he is at minimum an emotional cheater
you do not trust him.
he has threatened you.
LEAVE.
LEAVE NOW do not have children with this man
he drinks.
he has not hit you YET
that too will come
verbal abuse often escalates to physical abuse and with drink involved it's almost a given.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2015): your fella sounds a controlling and jealous fella but you went ahead and married him so you probably know what you were stepping into.
Ana is over and done and you and she get on well enough to have little chats.
This is worse case scenario for your fella who probably works on a divide and rule principal.
When you get pregnant will you expect him to be faithful to you?
Im not sure what his magic appeal is but as you married him i think you will probably give himthe benefit of the doubt.
Do you fear being trapped between him and Ana again?
Is it likely to become a baby mum scene where she owes you no loyalty and your pregnancy is likely to put you back in second place.
While your fella maintains a controlling desire to rearrange your face if you walk away from him, the truth is that if you went about it in the correct manner there would be very little he could do about it.
The threat of ending up in court and loosing a lot of money is often enough.
Men tend to go on their best behaviour once divorce papers are served because they know that wifeys solicitor will take them to the cleaners for any misdemeanours.
Lets face it ,they are losing their right to automatic sexual gratification when no one else is available, half the house, a chunk out of their paypackets if they have kids and a free domestic cleaning service and usually a cook and financial household manager as well.
Yes he would be narked,but theirs not that much he could do that wouldnt lose him his freedom as well.
Best if you figure this out before children as it easier and you can relocate somewhere safer as well as never having to speak to him ever again.
No wonder most males moan about divorce.
It sounds far too good to be true for a woman whos been long stifled by a selfish partner.
Maybe take the counselling because those little niggles can start like the drip of a tap and then get to the point where they torment you all night long.
Keep using contraceptive if you have doubts.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 October 2015):
 Whether he cheated with the ex or not, it's hard to say. But it's one of those things that will ALWAYS loom over your marriage. Mostly because you KNOW he has lied to you about things concerning "Ana".
My biggest concern is that you are SO young, and you feel stuck with him. Like you HAVE no choice. And his attitude "I decide to leave he would not let me and that nobody would want to date me" is a HUGE red flag. I can't see why ANYONE wouldn't want to date you - but HE wants you to think that. The first part of that statement "he wouldn't let you... That is scary to me.
Then we come to his "Instagram lies and nonsense" (as yo call it) it's more than just mere nonsense or it wouldn't affect you so much. Tagging random girls was not a business move, that was him casting a WIDE net to see what would bite. No he may NOT have cheated physically, maybe because he has had the opportunity. But he WAS trying to get female attention from strangers, and when caught... HE lied and lied and lied. Insulting your intelligence while at it. Because you (general you) would have to be pretty dense to believe he added these girls as part of a business plan or to avoid adding certain co-worker... because neither makes sense.
Now he wants kids, and you are unsure. Well, I don't blame you. Having kids with him will TIED you together through a child for the rest of your life, whether you like it or not.
So IF you plan to stay, I'd suggest you two get help dealing with the issues at hand, BEFORE putting a child into the world.
Personally, I'm not sure I'd stay in a marriage where my SO think he CAN do what he wants and when caught lie to my face. Mostly though the whole " he would not let me and that nobody would want to date me" sounds like it comes from quite a manipulative state, not a loving state.
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A
male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (21 October 2015):
 It sounds like there is a lot of stuff to work through and I would suggest marriage guidance counselling for you both. You need a neutral forum in which you can both express your desires and your hurts.
I think it would be helpful to have a professional listen to your worries. It would allow you to express concerns over his drinking behaviour, and let you get all the old niggles out of the wardrobe so you can look at them in the plain light of day.
It could be a marriage saver for you.
It needs to start with your telling him that there is a problem and that you are booking a session and please will he go with you.
It can be difficult for men to talk about how they feel. We have never been encouraged to do that so often men will sit on mountains of unresolved issues that should have been broached earlier.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue +, writes (21 October 2015):
 Maybe she's telling the truth maybe she's not. Without solid proof what can you really do . Having said that Ana sounds a little bit of a mischief maker to me. Her aside, the red flag to whether you should go on to have kids is his abusive threatning drunken behaviour. Your physical saftey may not be at stake but what about your mental and emotional state should this become a regular event? Not healthy for you and specially not a healthy environment to be raising children. It's BIG picture time, what does that look like to you?
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