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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: I have been married for 7 years and together off and on (prior to getting married) for approximately 4 years. When we just got together, my husband was a very sweet guy. He made me smile and made me feel special. We took a break for a couple of months 1 year after we first got together. During that time, we still had sex but I told him I was not ready to officially get back together. So he took it upon himself to have sex with someone else. I was deeply hurt. I told him I didn't want to have anything to do with him and he begged for us to get back together. 3 months later, I decided to give the relationship a try again. After getting back together, I realized things weren't the same. Yes, I felt he loved me, but he went from calling me baby/babes to just calling me by my name. I spoke to him about how I felt about that, but he didn't consider how I felt. Because he had sex with someone else, I felt like I didn't want to call him baby either. Regardless, we still behaved like we couldn't do without eachother and he asked me for my hand in marriage. A couple years after getting married, this man went from being gentle and making me feel secured, to speaking to me with hostility. He acts very arrogant. He is in his 40's and feels like he has not accomplished what he would like to. I'm not certain if that is the reason for his hostility but I don't deserve to be treated like that. He used to spontaneously hug me and kiss me, now he just doesn't do it. We have a 7 year old. My son and I were watching a show and someone made a statement about loving their spouse 200 and forever. My son said daddy doesn't love you 200. It broke my heart. There was one time when my husband spoke to me with such arrogance. Our son said I don't like how daddy speaks to you. You must not let daddy speak to you like that. I made my husband aware of what our son stated on both occasions. He then playfully said to our son, how can you say that, look I'm kissing up and hugging up your mother. When we have sex, it's just sex. Our marriage is so dry and lacks romance. I told him I love flowers, he would constantly say flowers is for the dead. I am just feeling like I am not getting what I deserved. He just changed.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2021): I must apologize for this late response. Thanks for the feedback. Much thanks to Wise Owl in particular. I am from a spiritual background. Whilst others tend to encourage divorce, you do encourage praying and trust in God. I spoke to my husband about how I feel. He apologize and explained how he really feels given his current status of not achieving certain goals he wished to achieve. He apologized for how he spoke and why he has been behaving the way he does. We spoke to someone about counseling and we would be going to help save our marriage.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (7 March 2021):
 I think you are involving your son WAY too much in the issues with your husband.
He shouldn't be your "little white knight" or tell you this or that about daddy. |Nor should you point out to your husband what your kid tells you. You NEED to tell your son that what is going on is not about him, that YOU will handle it. That it is for the ADULTS to handle.
This is NOT good for him to be put in the middle. you might not do it intentionally but you are using your son as your emotional support person, HE IS 7!!
With that said, IF a 7-year-old can see how BAD and TOXIC your marriage is why can't you accept that THIS is what your marriage is now and that YOU can choose to STAY and SUCK it up OR you can divorce and make a better life for you and your son.
You keep telling your husband what you want/need from him and he keeps dismissing it or ignoring it. YOU CAN NOT change him. Accept that.
Sorry, your marriage was over before it began. Once he decided to cheat on you, and YOU still took him back - respect evaporated, trust crumbled.
He might have been a good guy at some point, he just SUCKS at being a husband and father.
Also, your son will look at how his father treats you. While he might not like what he sees, KIDS learns about relationships from watching their parents and peers. Monkey see monkey do.
Accept reality. Your marriage is never going to be what you want it to be. Because your husband isn't the guy you WANT him to be.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2021): It seems that maybe the reconciliation wasn't so much out of love; but the fact he didn't like the idea of you rejecting him. He was afraid that you'd give-up and go find another man; and he was more or less looking out for his male-ego. He was also forcing you to forgive him for having sex with someone else. If you were married, but unofficially-separated at the time, that's adultery.
Here's a test. Find yourself a marriage-counselor and set-up an appointment. Hopefully it's covered under your health-plan. Some employers offer it among their employee-benefits. For covid-19 safety-precautions; some counselors may only do virtual sessions. Tell him you're tired of trying to talk to him one-on-one; but you've decided on counseling...either that, or divorce. Yes, divorce! He will not take you seriously otherwise; and he will surely brush you off, or make some snide remark as he usually does. Divorce will get his attention.
If he still refuses to cooperate after you've made a few serious attempts. Lawyer-up! A good husband and father does not teach his son to be disrespectful to women, and he is his best role-model. If even a 7 year-old child can see there's something wrong; it is time you take drastic measures. Your child is quite perceptive and astute for his age; which makes this all the more serious. He knows what he sees! It affects him emotionally. He will grow to hate his father. Now is the time to act!
Counseling may not save your marriage. It's for the benefit of having a moderator and referee present to make him listen to you; and to give you the courage to face him with the truth. Men will use toxic-masculinity to draw lines in the sand; or put-up walls when we can't be bothered with emotional issues. You'll have to be Joshua, and bring down that wall at Jericho; and test him once and for all! If he wants to be married, honors you as his wife, or if he doesn't? Don't assume anybody loves you; unless they demonstrate it in everyway humanly possible. That doesn't mean slobbering over you and phony love-dovey stuff like on TV! He knows what you want and need as a woman and his wife! He promised through his vows! Otherwise, he's tolerating you to stay put; and not be forced to pay child-support and his own rent. While making sure some other man better than he is doesn't come along and replace him. He can enjoy all the trappings of marriage, but completely at your expense! While he contributes little or nothing!!! Using brute-force and arrogance to hold his position as the top-dog; because nobody can resist or defy him!
Another powerful suggestion is prayer and worship. If you have faith and belief; you may want to brush-up on your faith and prayer; and re-establish your relationship with your Lord and Savior. If you are a Christian, this is one of Jesus's specialties. Healing marriages and saving families! Go to God! Pray for your husband, son, and your marriage! Contact your ministry or leadership in faith; and seek prayer and faith counseling. Our God is a good husband and Father, when the one you have isn't living-up to the task. Daily prayer and worship is necessary in our lives. It serves as a deterrent to evil, maintains harmony and peace, and cements the bond between us and our God!
God bless you, guide you, and save your marriage. He will let you know whether it can be saved, or whether you must let him go. God hates divorce, but He also hates it when men don't love and honor their wives. He commands it! If you've tried everything above, and he doesn't come-around; you must do what's best for you and your son. Go with God, and peace be with you!
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A
male
reader, kenny  +, writes (7 March 2021):
 I think that this relationship had sadly run its course before you both decided to tie the knot.
I think maybe you should of called its quits when things went sour, and that getting married to him was a big mistake.
You are not happy in this marriage, and his respect for you is gone, and i just feel that no amount of marriage counselling or marital help is going to bring the spark back to this marriage.
Your seven year old son has even picked up that things are not right, and that the way he treats you and speaks to you is wrong. Its awful the way he speaks to you, but to do it in front of your child is very wrong indeed.
I don't think it's healthy to stay in a relationship just for the sake of it, or if there is a child involved, this can invarible do more harm than good.
I think you are going to have to accept the fact that this relationship/marriage has run its course, and is over and i think you should now seek legal advice and get the ball rolling with regards to getting a divorce.
This relationship is now toxic, its not healthy for you, or your child. You need to get out of this situation soon rather than later.
Its better to be happily seperated than unhappily married, find your support network, family friends, seek advice and get out of this situation.
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