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female
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anonymous
writes: Dear CupidPlease help me. I am 39 years old and have been married for 11 years but have been with my husband for almost 19 years, since university. We have 3 lovely boys. We have always been - I thought - very much in love and very happy, the envy of all friends and relatives. My husband and I have always been very open with each other, but last year I found out that he had posted details of himself on a website, trying to attract other women. When confronted he said he had just been curious. I was very upset but we just carried on as normal. I have now found out that he has done it again, has received e-mails from interested parties and has even lied to me about his whereabouts. When confronted he said he was bored and felt unloved. I am so confused. I love him dearly and don't want to accept that he doesn't want me anymore. I should add we are under a lot of financial strain so he works two jobs and I am with the children 24/7. He looks very young for his age and is always people always compliment his good looks. I am so afraid. Please help. I really don't know what to do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question Need a little more advice please .Many thanks for all your time. Some of you really gave some great advice you were so kind. Although my husband and I are trying to work things out, i am finding it hard to believe that he still wants to be with me. He says that he will not visit any more websites, but the day after i found out he changed his password and deleted all the e-mails he'd recieved. When i found out he'd changed his password i felt really hurt and even more suspicious i told him to leave. I now know his new password and he now assures me that he will really try and make things work. He confirmed that he was bored, stressed out and that he has not been as supportive and loving as he should but that he will change. There is one problem when i look into his eyes i see alot of sorrow he does look sad but i think its because he feels trapped i think deep down he does want to go and doesn't want me anymore but is scared, we are asian and fell for each other at university as he comes from and incredibly traditional family i think he is staying out of duty to his parents (both in their 70's) rather than love. I still love and adore him deeply but do not want him to be unhappy (he says all the happy memories hes ever had are with me) life is too short. I am so confused i don't want to lose him but don't want him to leave me 5 years down the line. How do i get him to search in himself what he really wants out of life.Sorry its so long but despite all thats happened he's a great guy and i don't want to see him unhappy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2006): When a man is interested in seeing if he can attract outside female attention, this is a huge concern in any marriage. It does appear he has taken this to the next level and you do have a problem, on your hands, dear. You state "I have now found out that he has done it again, has received e-mails from interested parties and has even lied to me about his whereabouts". It could be just a matter of time, and infidelity could occur.
Like the previous poster says, it's time for you to set some boundries. The boundries one establishes at the beginning of a marriage sets the tone for all the years to come. That's not to say you can't change or establish new ones, once you are deep into a marriage. You can but it takes much more effort and committment. I have always stated that respect, trust and honor are crucial in a good marriage. So when a partner flounders and starts to violate the boundries of a marriage, he/she is giving you vital information about his/her character. He's lying and what he has done will slowly erode your marriage because the trust is compromised. Moreover, he has forgotten his committment to his family. He has "chosen" to act out in this manner rather than sitting down with and communicating his feelings and thoughts with you. If he continues to do this and has an unwillingness to change, you have a long, miserable life ahead. And your resentment will grow.
I agree with drpete, he needs to talk to you about his problems. I would highly recommend you get some marriage counselling with a special focus on communications skills education-it sounds like the both of you are so busy you've forgotten to talk and connect. I think being open, vulnerable, and transparent is crucial for deep intimacy. Admitting honestly one’s fears and concerns can and will move relationships to deeper levels. This might be a good start. But over the long run, your husband will make his own choices. If he makes a choice you do not like, you will need to take a hard look at the differences you both have in the values you hold, in marriage and family. And go from there.
I am sorry you are hurt. You are going theough a challenging, sad time, now. I sincerely hope you and your husband can come through this. You are in my thoughts, dear. Take care and be strong.
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reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (24 June 2006):
 The fact that you caught him lying about his whereabouts is the most concerning issue of all - you are right to be upset. If I were you, I would be wondering what else he is lying about.
In the hustle and bustle of trying to make ends meet and running a house with three kids, you and your husband have stopped working on your marriage. This happens to countless marriages elsewhere, so you are not alone. What matters now are the choices you and your husband make from now on.
Do both of you make time each week to maintain your relationship? For instance, do you go out without the kids (date nights)? In general, do you make time to be with each other so that you can renew the intimacy you used to have? Or do you find yourself saying to your husband, "I don't have the time, I'm too tired", or "I don't have the time, the kids need me", or "can you please help me do xyz for the kids?"
I'm not pointing fingers at you or your husband - as I said before, it's possible that in the stress of getting through life, you both have neglected the relationship you have between each other. In order to strengthen a marriage, BOTH people have to put in the effort to maintain ties with each other. If one or both do not, then the marriage is doomed.
I don't know if I've described your situation, but if I have, then your marriage hangs on the following question: Do both of you understand the effort required to save the marriage, and are you willing to put that effort in?
Good luck and take care.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2006): I would demand that he stop this or else you will leave him. Be very firm and strong! Tell him that he is setting a bad example for his children. Tell him that he is disrespecting his family and his union with you.
I know in my country that a husband would pay tons in child support for 3 kids. I would also find a way bring this up!
Again, be very firm and strong. If you find that he has cheated,
get out of that union now! You can never trust him again.
Stick up for yourself!
Good Luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2006): I disagree with the previous advice.First, whilst not excusing his behaviour, having spent a couple of months on this website I have come to find that it seems quite common behaviour for men to do this.The first thing you need to find out is whether or not he has taken his browsing to the next level - ie - is he actually communicating with other women, or meeting up with them. If it is the later, you have a different problem on your hands.If it is the former though, then I don't think the situation is as bad as you think it is. I can understand how it must feel to find someone you love being interested in other people, but from what I've found, browsing singles sites is a symptom of that person either being stressed or not entirely happy with identifiable aspects of the relationship.Your husband has said he does it because he is bored, curious, and felt unloved. He has not said it is because he wants to be with someone else. Apart from this problem, you seem to have had a good marriage and I think you can tackle those reasons for doing it, and having him stop.He needs to talk in more detail about what is troubling him, and you need to ask him what you can do to make him stop. If you can come to an agreement on this, you will promise to try and work at the things that he feels are bothering him, and he has to promise to cancel the accounts on the dating websites and focus on the marriage. Part of this agreement involves him promising not to browse dating sites in the future, and if he feels the need to do it, he has to realise that instead, he needs to talk to you about what is going on in his head.You sound like a really supportive wife and as long as he has not gone further than browsing sites and reading initial replies from people I feel confident that you can both tackle this. Good luck with whatever you decide to do, I do hope it works out for you both. You mention that you are the envy of all of your friends and relatives - others rarely know the true nature of relationships but it is exactly these kind of situations, and how a couple deals with them that makes them stronger and closer, and if you can get through this, I am sure you and him will feel even stronger and that is what is important, not other peoples impressions of you are.
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reader, anonamous +, writes (24 June 2006):
tell him to look into your eyes and decide whos more important you his darling wife or some ladies off the internet
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2006): well ask him why hes doing it if you love him but he wont tell you why hes doing it then spend a week away on your own (like a holiday) and mabye when you come back he come to his senses and realise how much he loves you then stop online dating
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2006): He's probably going through a midlife crisis,and he's under alot of pressure with all the work.i'm not trying to be nasty but did you know there are web sites for married people who are bored in there marriages,so perhaps he's one of those,theres 1000s of men and women on there wanted a relationship with someone,but dont want to end the marriage at home.its called have you cake and eat it.thats what men are like.there wifes think all is well when its not.sad i know but its true.
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