A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm a 25 year old businesswoman and my husband's 26, and works in training. and we earn good money, and have a good social life, and are well-liked in our social circle.In the past few weeks, however, my husband's become obsessed with bullying. Not being a bully, but preventing it. He's been teaching anti-bullying techniques to people and is extremely dedicated to his work, repeatedly creating new presentations and working late hours to try and get everything right.He doesn't talk about work away from his employment, but it's affected our life a lot this new obsession with bullying.He's become withdrawn, refuses to have sex with me, and doesn't want to socialise anymore (he used to love being social - and his confidence was what attracted me to him) and fears that he will be a victim of bullying next. He feels stressed and unhappy away from work such is his worry.I've tried to help him in every way, but he says I don't understand him. What should I do to help him? He's refused counselling and I can't force him to go, so what should I do?This is affecting our relationship so badly I don't know what to do or where to go next and all help is appreciated.Selina in Urmston, Greater Manchester
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male
reader, cupids_friend  +, writes (26 February 2009):
Okay it sounds to me like he is a great guy but he is obsessed with this it maybe something from when he was younger maybe he was bullied when I was young ask him why this is so inportant to him just be their for him and just let him know that you need attion to sexualy emotionally and socially also if this does not help please let me know
A
male
reader, Dazzerg +, writes (26 February 2009):
 I would say the most obvious place to look for the cause of this is your husbands past. However, it is also possible that he is in a situation where presently he feels unfairly harressed by an authority figure (and this could have triggered feelings from his past). Alteratively, he could be working out past recessive guilt about something he did; it's hard to answer on the specific cause without knowing more detail about his past. His fear he will be bullied tends to suggest to me he actually has been and he maybe was not always the confident person you married and is scared of admitting that to you. It would also indicate to me for some reason he feels he has lost control of his outer enviroment.
Obviously the cause largely determines what you can do; again the best way forward is to encourage him to open up about how he is feeling but he seems determined to do this on his own. What you really need to do is work the cause; you need to encourage him to open up and the only way you can do that is avoid mentioning how this is negatively affecting your relationship for now (since this will invariably mean he will feel worse and withdraw further). Remind him your there for him and try and subtly try and get him to open up, createing a nice relaxing enviroment which he feels safe and secure in when you do this.
If he really wont open up it might be worth talking in confidence to somebody who knows him well; either a relative who you can trust not to talk to him or a friend of his. Good luck :)
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