A
female
age
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*ngel27
writes:I have been married for 25 years and during all that time a have suspected my husband had gay feelings, even more so when our sex life dried up 8 years ago with him saying he had a very low libido. I discovered this week that I was right. I found he had been looking at gay pictures on PC. I confronted him with it and he admitted it, saying he had had these feelings since he was 10 and hated it, he said he never wants to be with a man and that he likes women but can't help having these feeling, he has supressed it all his life, to the point that he didn't want any sex. He loves me to bits and doesn't want me to leave, I once found another man's underpants in my washing with semen stains, he gave a lame excuse for them at the time, and stupidly believed him, so I asked him again about them and he admitted he had found them at work and put them on and masturbated in them. He feels disgusted with himself, I should be grateful it wasn't a another man.I'm sorry if this a long post put I have no one to talk to about it, I had decided to stay and work it out until he told me what he did with the pants, I found it awful and pervy so I am very confused now, I still love him, I just don't know what to do, I don't want to live without him but I can't see me getting over this. I feel sick all the time, he knows he could still lose me but at the moment we are trying to carry on and talk a lot. My head's in bits, any advice please... I'm desperate.
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female
reader, angel27 +, writes (18 June 2012):
angel27 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi, im back with an update, its been a few years since i posted, im in a terrible state right now, for the last 3 years we have manged to stay together although nothing got better, we never mentioned his gay tendecies again.,He has to stay in a rented house mon/friday for work as it is to far to comute, i came across an email address he had and managed to log in, he has joined lots of gay sites, and been contacting then asking for meet ups, his profile says he wants to meet other gay men and have group sex etc, he has met up with some recently and is setting up more for this week, he picks them up and takes them back to the house, so he gone from just looking to full on gay sex with strangers,its like something has unleashed from him and cant get enough im heart broken, i thought we could make it work he promised he wouldnt act on it,but not now, i feel sick,i also think what he is doing is dangerous, he is taking complete strangers back to his house, ive read his messages to them and he has done it quite a lot in the last few weeks. there is no way i can forgive him now, i will have to sell the house and live on my own, im scared to death, i have no money and havent worked for over 30years didnt need to, im 48 now its going to be so hard and life changing, i want to ring him and scream at him tell not to come back but i dont know if thats the wrong way, i need advise how to deal with it, ive not stopped crying i cant sleep or eat, i loved him so much, but i just hate him now, im in a terrible mess and no one to talk to about it, how do i deal with this the right way for me. and do i tell our growm up sons and daughter why we are seperating or will it me to much for them i dont want to be alone with it, sorry im rambling im in such a mess, any advise would be appreciated thankyou
A
female
reader, angel27 +, writes (26 July 2009):
angel27 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi, i would just like to add an update on my situation, im still unsure what to do, we dont talk about it much anymore, he thinks we are carrying on as normal and everything is ok, but its not, he said now that i know things will be better between us but nothings changed, there still is no intermincy between us, no cuddles, just a quick peck before work and when he gets home. i sleep on my own every night and he sleeps on the coach, has done this for a few years because he says its better for his back,he does suffer from back problems.I know he is still secretly looking at soft gay porn on the pc. i hate living like this but havent the confidence or money to leave ,and i cant bare the thought of being on my own,i still love him but feel i cant live with him anymore,but not sure if can live without him, and to make matters worse he is about to be made redudant at work so its getting stressful at the moment as well, also im going to be a grandma my daughter has just announced she is pregnant she has been trying for a baby for a while, im so happy for her, but it would devastate her if we split up, i could never tell her the reason why, it would kill my husband if anyone knew. I feel like i need a trial seperation but its just not possible. i cant move on and except it, i still cry myself to sleep most nights, sorry its a long update but i cant talk to anyone about it, thanks for listening.
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A
female
reader, angel27 +, writes (10 February 2009):
angel27 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Gina
i found comfort in your words, my husband wants closure on it now, he is willing to talk if i want to but i can see he doesnt really want to. Im still confused, i dont know if im staying out of love or just to scared to go it alone after all this time. some days we seem back to normal then some days i feel so depressed and want leave again. one minute i want to hug him the next minute i dont want him near me, its still early days, im hoping i can forgive and move on eventually.
thanks again Gina
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reader, angel27 +, writes (7 February 2009):
angel27 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Gina,sorry i didnt mention that we have 3 children, all grown up now a daughter 24 and two 20yrs old who are still at home, I have asked my husband to get therapy, but he doesn't want to, he's just relieved that i know now, and we can talk about it,although he hates the hurt it's caused, whether i can learn to live with it only time will tell, i dont want to throw 25 yrs away, but i feel i will never truly get over it.thanks
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reader, angel27 +, writes (6 February 2009):
angel27 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for replying,we will continue to talk and try to get through this i have been giving him as much support as i can, i know what he is going through as well, i have never told him i felt disgusted with what he did or shown it,it feels like i am grieving like i have lost someone, my emotions are all over the place. one minute i think we can get through this the next i am thinking about moving out, which scares me to death, i have never had much confidence and suffered depression ect and dont know if i could do it.your advise has been very helpful thankyou.
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A
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2009): Dear Ms. Desperate,I understand! I was with my wife for 40 years until she died, last June 7, 2008, from a massive brain aneurysm. I am bisexual and she knew that for at least 39 of them. We very much loved one another and our sex life was not frequent all the time, but it was passionate, hot, and very satisfying for her and myself! I still liked men though, horney for them! Every now and then I would have to do something besides porn and masterbation; that's when I would be less than candid and even lied. I didn't want to hurt her feelings like I had in the past over nothing but an itch I just had to scratch. I rated the first response: "give him a chance" as ok. And here's another perspective...if you love him don't hurt him by being as "disgusted" about things he shares with you as he is with himself already! If you really love him and want to stay with him, it wouldn't hurt to listen to the things he has shared, and will continue to do so, and if you learn how to perform or be able to seduce and stimulate him to his and your satisfaction. Better to have tried and failed than to never have tried at all. and lost! Is he your first? I was her's. We even divorced back in 1976, then remarried 12/31/1980. I have all the memories of the good times and bad. She was a very loving, caring, tender-hearted woman! Be at peace with your decisions.
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reader, MyDestiny  +, writes (6 February 2009):
 Unfortuately a lot of guys go through this... since they were teens but they were too ashamed to talk about it... I hope you can give him a chance, if he feels disgusted by the idea of being with a guy then he's not gay, he happily loves you, he doesn't want to lose you.. so please try to work it out... there's a bunch of young guys on here with the same problem.And for the not wanting sex thing, just try some new things, be erotic, suprise him with something kinky, I'm sure he'll want to have sex more often.Try more things to spice up your sex life.Good luck
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