A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I've been married for 20 years and we have 3 children. throughout my marriage my husband and I has had our hands full of ups and downs. I've had three affairs and he's had one long term affair of 15 years. He's forgiven me and I've forgiven him. At any rate, my affairs were my extension of boredom relief. He doesn't like to go anywhere or do anything. His affair, he says, were out of me not paying him any attention. Ok. we blamed each other for our actions but then accepted the responsibility. Here's where it get interesting. His mistres has 2 children by my husband. I've accepted that too. She will only allow him to see the children if he visits them at their home. They live approx. 1.5 hours away from us. She will not allow him to bring our children with him on NO occassion not even for the children's birthdays. Her children has never visited my home because she says that they are too good for the environment. My husband and I tried to bring the children together on one visit and she exploded-went crazy and told him that he'll never see the girls again. He doesn't want to take the girls through the system but he started missing them dearly. So I told him to go see them and don't worry about bringing everyone together. The right time will come for all of that. When I told him to go visit, I though that I could handle it; but, now that he goes every weekend, it drives me crazy. I try to not bother him when he's visiting them and to put on a happy face when he returns. Asking how big have they gotten, did you take pictures and he thinks I'm happy. But I'm really miserable. I'm extremely miserable. I trust him and I don't think that he'll start back the relationship with her cause we both have been hurt so much. But he's starting to see that I'm not really happy about his visits. I don't want him to stop seeing the girls because of my misery. I know that those girls need their father and at the same time I don't want the girls to go through the system either so that he can see them appropriately.I really do love my husband and I feel that our bond has grown stronger since we've come clean with each other about a year ago. Am I being selfish by not wanting him to go to her home? I'm so lost and confused.
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female
reader, deejuliet +, writes (25 November 2008):
 How old are these children? If she did not want her daughters to have your children as siblings than she should not have laid down with your husband. She knew well enough that he was married and that he had children. She consciously and purposely chose to bring two children into the world who would have an absent father and your children as siblings. This cant have come as any great suprise to her! I believe that her actions are her way of maintaining control. If she controls when and how your husband sees HIS children than she feels better and more in control.
Now I would not normally recommend this as I really think childrens needs need to be put over our own, but perhaps he should stop giving her money. Tell her that once she starts giving visitation then he will start giving support. Force her hand by withholding the needed finances. I know that sounds quite cruel. Once things are set up formally by the court then the two things are completely unrelated. But for now she is using the girls as pawns for her own control issues. The only recourse is to control what he has control over. Once they do go to court it will be determined how much support he owes and he will pay her through the courts. Right now he is not getting any legal 'credit' for paying this support. It is considered a gift. When they do finally go to court she will go after him for back child support. The fact that he has been paying all this time may not even count!! I really think this needs to be made formal! Trust me, I have been through a divorce. The 'system' will not do much of anything to those girls. It will just set up everything so that they know what they can count on. This informal arrangement is not good for ANYONE, including them!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShe tells him her expenses and they split the cost (tuition, clothes, food.) So in essence he's shelling out about a grand a month for the two of them so I guess you can say yes he's paying regular child support.
I totally agree w/u but that is her claim. She doesn't want her children around mine. So he has to visit them at her house in order to see them or he can't see them at all. My husband is bothered by that fact but doesn't want to drag them to court because he says that that she's crazy and she treats those kids like two little gods and that that would be like messing with a hornets nest. I think he's afraid of her. She told him that he has wasted 15 years of her life and she's not going to let him get away with it. I mean she has made some really crazy threats to him. but at the same time she's always trying to get back with him.
He shows me all of the emails and text that she sends to him. I'd have to say that the girl is not working with a full deck.
I've become depressed over the issue of having to share my husband, the father of my children with another woman for the next 15 years and coping with him visiting them at her home whenever he wants to see them.
I really like your advise; but I don't see court in this situation NO time soon. He says that the girls will be able to speak for themselves shortly so that he'd rather wait it out.
I guess my question is should I really be depressed and bothered or concerned by these visits or should I just take it and refocus my energy elsewhere. I'm getting gray hairs and I'm only 38
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A
female
reader, deejuliet +, writes (25 November 2008):
I think that the best thing he can do is consult a lawyer about setting up paternity and visitation rights. I know he doesnt want to put them through the 'sytem', but how bad do you really think that is? I highly doubt that they would need to be 'dragged' into almost at all. It would be between him and the mistriss to fight out/negotiate. About the only thing the girls would be likely to be involved in is to give a sample to estable paternity if the mistriss tries to deny it. They would not have to testify, go to court or anything like that. Perhaps a guardian ad litum or friend of the court would be appoited to interview them and help determine what is in their best interests. But that is only if one of the parents really puts up a stink and it is then requested. Then the girls would have a set visitation schedule that would probably involve them coming to your house every other weekend. The girls have already been 'systemed' if can take my meaning ~ they already dont live with thier father and mother together, they already have a 'divorce' situation. Why not just make it all legal? By the way ~ does he pay regular support? And how can she say they are too good to be at your house, she is a bloody, cheating, lying mistriss!!!!
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