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female
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anonymous
writes: Dear Cupid,I have been married for nearly 14 years to my husband. We have had the normal ups and downs, but we have made it through stronger than ever. Several months ago my husband had an emotional affair. I was absolutely devastated. My heart was shattered and feelings of inadequacy nearly overtook my very being. We have talked countless times about the effect that had on me and our relationship. Still, I feel so overwhelmed with fear about our future. He has gone out of his way to make sure that I know he is dedicated to our relationship and family. I feel like I lost something or that something is missing in our relationship that is extending the healing time for me. What to do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2007): Dear poster
just after an update di hubby attend AA? Is he still attending did it help are you still together?
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI wrote several months ago about the damage caused by my husbands relationship with another woman. We have for the most part moved on from that issue, but now I have a new one.
My husband is a good man, but he has a drinking problem. He is not abusive to me physically, but he is not good about emotional support when he drinks. We argue about his drinking habits as I fear he has lost control.
This weekend he went out and didnt come back until 5 in the morning. I was up all night worried that something had happened. Turns out that he had too much to drink and ended up sleeping in his car (which I am thankful for).
When he arrived at home I was furious and ready to pack his bags for him. I dont drink so it is hard for me to understand why someone would put themselves in that kind of position, but he clearly was upset. He finally decided to tell me that he has a problem with drinking and wants to get sober. He said he understood why I was so unhappy and that he did not blame me. He will be attending his very first AA meeting later this evening and I will be going to a alanon meeting to learn how to support him in his efforts to get sober.
My question for anyone who has been there is....what else can I do to support him through this and make us better in the long run?
The one thing we have always had is love for each other....I dont think anything can stop that.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo sorry honey, but you have got the wrong woman.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2006): im her husband and i love her very much and i wish she could see this im very sorry for things in the past and if i could go back i would we have 2 awsome kids and a good life i wish you could forgive me love jon ;)
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female
reader, willywombat  +, writes (27 July 2006):
 I would say that if my husabnd had an 'emotional' affair not a 'sexual' one I would feel more threatened. But that is to do with me and my nature or personality.
What has been going on since you posted your question?
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2006): My ex said he had an emontional affair i found text message saying (do u still love me) i went mad asked him to leave to be with her he would not go i spoke with her she said they were just friends no sex but it had been going on nearly a yr she had been in my house she told me he told her everything about me he wanted to leave bla bla well at the end of the day we sold the house split and god some months later she was back on the scene again this lasted a couple more months and then he dumped her so was not too happy but there you go he has now moved on to some other poor thing were he has cheated on her with me and she knows but hey you are suppose to live and learn
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2006): I don't think you are broken or flawed, dear. You are reacting as many of us would. He didn't tell you because he feared your reaction, but his lack of judgement in telling you, should've told him that this communication with this other woman was getting far too inappropriate. Boundries are important in a relationship. Don't ever feel you over-reacted because you didn't. Just keep the communication open and both of you have learned something from this. Overcoming the hurt and anger engendered by what he did, will take some time and efforts. I would recommend finding a good marriage therapist if you are floundering, as a result. But in time, the trust will be rebuilt to where it was before. Keep working at it, dear and best of luck to you both.
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male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (26 July 2006):
 Honey, I am very sorry that you lost your brother. I can now understand why you felt so threatened by your husband's behaviour. And I can also see that you are taking responsibility for your own choices in responding to your husband's behaviour, and this is very encouraging!
Many people who come for help on this forum spend too much time defending their behaviour instead of analyzing it from as many perspectives as the agony aunts provide. You are one of the rare few who choose to incorporate other viewpoints into your own analysis of the situation. And for this I commend you.
Due to your brother's suicide you are acutely aware of the damage cheating can cause. It's not just the spouse that is damaged - many other people get hurt. You have been hurt once by cheating, and in your mind there is no way that you want to feel that hurt again. So you have developed a protection mechanism in response, a mechanism that minimizes the ability to trust others.
The problem with this protection mechanism is that when you see situations that could involve cheating you think the absolute worst and lash out, much to the bewilderment of those around you. In an ironic twist, your protection mechanism is causing damage to people that you love.
You are still not healed from the damage caused by your brother's untimely death. The behaviour of this other woman brought back the hurt you felt when your brother died. But you are so lucky to have a wonderful marriage to a man who is supportive and devoted to you. Please give him a chance to help you get over the death of your brother. If necessary, ask him to accompany you to counselling. I am sure he would do anything to help you see a future of endless possibilities.
Good luck and take care.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello and thank you for your replies. I can see both sides...I am frustrated that it is taking me so long to gain trust for him again. I know that is a flaw in my design (my brother killed himself over a cheating wife when I was a child). I am very careful not to engage in conversation that could lead to intimate feelings for anyone other than my husband...boundary issue for me. My husband said to me that he "got to close" and that he was never and will never love that woman. He said he couldnt explain it...that they were not that great of friends...and he was just trying to be a friend. My husband is very caring that way. However, he hid it from me. He never hides anything from me. We have practically grown up together. I was completely blindsighted and that threw me for a loop. I just need to resolve my own insecurities before I can go back to trusting him again. I think that is what this all boils down to...I was broken...now I have to pick up the pieces. I do love him...always have. I just want to get back to the place that we were.
Thank you
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2006): In life, men and woman do make friends with the opposite sex. It happens to many of us. Usually, it's a friendship based on respect, admiration, and common interests such as work, hobbies,, etc. Friends respect a person's marriage and family. In a marriage, a couple binds closer together and they make each other the best friend. Other outside friendships become a bit more secondary and less significant, than the spouse. This is normal. However, this woman was front and center..she was not looking for friendship, she was a lonely person prowling for a man to build an intimate, love relationship with. Thus she became a threat to you and I understand this. You were correct in asking him to end all contact. It doesn't matter if he said nothing sexual to her. She was explicitly suggestive to him and he did nothing to stop it until you insisted upon it. Remember, no one has to say anything 'sexual' in order to begin an emotional affair. The whole premise of an emotional affair is when two people spend an inappropriately large amount of time texting, e-mailing, messaging, talking, bonding, getting close to the point where one of them or both of them is neglecting their spouse/family and not keeping their marriage close, in their heart. If your husband:
did spend a lot of time away from you and the kids in order to talk to this other woman and...
if he stopped confiding his deepest feelings and concerns with you and was he turning to her to fulfill those needs...and
if he felt like it was much easier talking to her than you .
then yes, he was having an emotional affair or it was in the beginning phases. He was building a close, intimate bond that could've ended up being a physical affair. You recognized this...You stopped it. However, I don't think you are out of the woods, yet. You and he need to understand why he drifted to this other person in the first place. Why he didn't put the brakes on this, when this other woman became 'smitten' with him. Even if it was an ego massage, still many committed men would say "okay, this is going too far" Sorry to say this...but I feel he was turning to someone and avoiding other issues which both of you need to recognize.. You and he need to talk. Communication and deeply expressed thoughts and feelings could help you both start the work of re-investing both of your emotional energy and start rebuilding the trust, in your marriage. MArriage counseling would help you both reconnect. Give this some thought. I wish you both well and Take care, dear
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male
reader, Wild Thaing +, writes (26 July 2006):
"My husband never said anything even leaning sexually, but clearly she had to get those feelings from somewhere."
True enough, but you are making a dangerous assumption that the "somewhere" is your husband, and that he wanted and encouraged the sexual advances.
Honey, have you considered that this woman might think that the way your husband turns pages on a report is a signal of his attraction towards her? What I am asking you to consider is that, in the absence of any hard evidence, you give your husband the benefit of the doubt. If anyone is going to torpedo this marriage, right now I would say that you are in the lead.
Your husband appears to be doing what he reasonably can to assuage your fears. But you had better start uncovering the trust issues that exist within yourself right now. If you don't, then what you fear will actually come true. That is, your husband will become so fed up with your controlling and paranoid behaviour that you will drive him into the arms of another.
Don't use the word "affair" unless you can prove it. This problem is mostly about your behaviour and you need to understand why you have trust issues. If you have more information to back up your claims please let us know.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI do feel like my husband was out of line. He should have been more careful with his words if he was just "helping" a friend in need. The woman on the other hand was chasing him I know that for sure. Her words were that of a woman who was schmitten by my man. For example, I read an email that she wrote to my husband saying that "he brought out a passion in her she had not felt in a very long time". She also said that she wanted so much more from him, but she was also lonely and wasnt sure what her feelings meant. My husband never said anything even leaning sexually, but clearly she had to get those feelings from somewhere. My husband has cut off all contact (at least as far as I know) and has made it a point to be with me practically 24/7. I just feel like a part of me died when I read that email. He kept his "meeting" with her secret from me. He had never even mentioned her name (they worked together). Both of them have moved on with new jobs luckily at different companies. My trust was broken...and it feels like I should be over this by now, but the nightmares keep coming. I hate feeling this way and I want it to stop.
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male
reader, Wild Thaing +, writes (25 July 2006):
Yes, please, tell us what you mean. Specifically, provide more details about your husband's indiscretion. Then we can provide better counsel.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2006): Through your eyes, what is an emotional affair?
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