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female
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*addayadda
writes: This happened a few years ago but there are times it comes back to haunt me. My husband had an 'emotional' affair. This all started happening when our kids were 6 and 2. He always talked about "Kim" at work...she's so nice, blah, blah. I always thought it was pretty harmless. He would always check his work email while I was around and I noticed there were emails and emails from her in his inbox. I only saw a few of them ("Can we go outside and talk?"; "Ready for another cigarette break?"; Can you walk me to my car and ensure my safety?"). Makes me gag thinking about it now. That's when I started feeling funny about the whole thing. I asked him to stay away from her and stop talking to her. Well, then I got interested in his emails...I read the email he wrote to her telling her that they shouldn't talk anymore and she said "I just can't imagine not talking to you anymore". That was the last I saw for a while. I thought things were ok for a while...and then one night a few months later, her husband calls my house and wants to talk to my husband (yes, she is married too with 3 kids). He tells him to stop talking to his wife, it was causing problems. Well, of course I was furious. He told me he should have listened to me, blah, blah, blah. I'm furious now and I'm pressing him for answers...I want to know when, what and where. He swears it was nothing but a good friendship...she was having marriage problems...I said now there are 2 marriages with problems. It also led to him telling her all his marriage problems...things he never talked to me about. I also found out he registered for another email account that I didn't know about. More lies. The next day he admits that the emails between the two of them contained 'inappropriate' things. I wanted to see them. He wouldn't let me. I didn't know the password for his email. I call her on the phone and confront her...she was so blase' about the whole thing. Didn't think she was doing anything wrong. I said what about your marriage and your kids...she said it wasn't any of my business! I said you just made it my business! I wanted to leave...actually I wanted him to leave but we ended up working things out (I think). Except this was all 3 years ago and I'm not totally over it. I don't think I have forgiven or forgotten. They both got new jobs and I found out that she emailed him at his new job too. He's good with computers and knows how to keep me from finding things. I just don't know if I trust him anymore or ever will. It crushed me. Again, this happened so long ago..sometimes I think I'm over it but then I go through times like this and I can't stop thinking about it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2009): I completely understand what you are feeling. My hubby had an affair 12 yrs ago with a woman 8 years younger than him - 4 yrs younger than me. It about killed me. Long story made short - he begged me to take him back and give him another chance - I did. Well 3 months ago I found out that in 2004 he started emailing her....and had gone on since I found the account. Sexual things said, nude pictures sent, I love you's and miss you's, you name it. I feel betrayed to the point of no return. I don't think I can ever forgive him. But until I can support me and my kids....I just take it day by day until I can move past this. He says he is sorry that it was an ego thing for him. Sorry....it was more than that and we both know it, he just can't be honest with himself or me. To this day he still denies he slept with her (she confirmed it). I don't understand why he would do this to me and then turn around and tell me I am the love of his life - he can't survive without me. Well, he should of thought of that before he brought her into our lives.....the best part....in her email she said the only reason she married her husband - she was hoping he would stop her and leave me!!!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2008): My husband left me about a month ago, saying he loves me but is not in love with me! This previous months before he left he wastexting someone he met on the internet! He also got another phone and hid it until he was drunk one night (after goign out for a meal on valentines night) and left it out!! He told me it was stupid mistake and loved me and would never do it again as he did the same thing about three years ago ! He then went away for a lads weekend and ended up kissing someone else and saying that she was good fun and wanted that instead of us! I feel like my whole world turned upside down! I now i have been a mug keep putting up with him and i will find someone to treat me better etc etc, but at the moment do not feel like that! I am 38 with no children and feel like my world come to an end! So i do understand where you coming from and it is so so hard to trust someone who does something like this as you spend you finding your whole time checking up on them and that is not healthly!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2008): i also have just found out that my husband had a girlfriend via phone chat rooms & txt & calling back & forth. I found this "secret" phone in his sweater pocket one night as i was hanging it in the closet for him. He bought it behind my back through T moble, we're both verizon so he could hide it this way & for 6 long months he did. Her name was Amanda, she was an 18 yr old "virgin" from Oklahoma, who had sent him pics of her panites and other articles of underwear along with her butt showing her thong through her jeans, even pics of her putting on bras over her clothing etc. I also found that my husband had sent photos of himself to her, a head shot and to my disgust i found some pic he had taken of his penis! He swears he never sent them to anyone but couldn't explain why they were taken in the first place. He tried to assure me that he never showed them to Amanda because as the sweet "virgin" she was that would have really upset her delicate disposition. He says it's over now & "loves" me. But how can he?
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male
reader, Dazzerg  +, writes (12 May 2006):
 If you were looking around in his emails I would say you definatly didnt trust him deep in your mind somewhere was always a nagging doubt - thinking he wouldnt do this was what you wanted to believe on the surface.
I think you need to comfront him about this. Obviously your relationship has serious problems which need to be addressed or else the relationship dissolved. Take care.
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female
reader, yaddayadda +, writes (11 May 2006):
yaddayadda is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt's me again, I'm feeling very lost right now. My husband left his work email open at home the other day when he went out. Since I obviously still do not trust him, I started snooping. I didn't have to look very long. It looks like he's having another 'emotional' email (and more) affair with another female coworker. They apparently also go to lunch to her house which is close by to their work. Reading some of these emails made me physically sick to my stomach. Why does he do this? I thought I really believed that he would never hurt me again like this. But, again, maybe I didn't believe it if I went through his emails...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2006): I think you should get over it,not to be rude. You deserve someone who loves you and only you, and does not go on to the computer, and talks to women, and says inapropriate things.Trust me someday you are going to find someone better!!
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female
reader, fairyangel  +, writes (27 January 2006):
 This is to "must b nuts"....
You have no business posting your drivel here, this woman was needing advice... and you started going on about your sad, sorry state... your self- inflicted problems of your own!!
You are in no state of mind to give anybody else advice anyway, so go and sort yourself out!
And this is to "yaddayadda"...
Sweetie, you may in time resolve to fogive , but something like this, you will never forget...
You have been deceived and lied to.. this type of hurt causes deep scars, but you must not allow it to dictate your future happiness, to be in control of what you want out of your life!
Forgiveness will be beneicial to yourself, let all that anger & hurt out... free it & in so doing, free yourself, or it will eat away at you like a cancer...
Try to put it behind you & resolve to be happy ... for your sake and your children.
Remember ... they are counting on you, their Mama, to guide and comfort them through their own lives, so Mama needs to look after herself first, in order to be there for the kids.
Try to think of just 5 things each day, when you wake up, that you can be grateful for... count those blessings, you have many, I am sure you will find.
Be strong, take care, but most of all, be happy!
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female
reader, fairyangel +, writes (27 January 2006):
This is to "must b nuts"....
You have no business posting your drivel here, this woman was needing advice... and you started going on about your sad, sorry state... your self- inflicted problems of your own!!
You are in no state of mind to give anybody else advice anyway, so go and sort yourself out!
And this is to "yaddayadda"...
Sweetie, you may in time resolve to fogive , but something like this, you will never forget...
You have been deceived and lied to.. this type of hurt causes deep scars, but you must not allow it to dictate your future happiness, to be in control of what you want out of your life!
Forgiveness will be beneicial to yourself, let all that anger & hurt out... free it & in so doing, free yourself, or it will eat away at you like a cancer...
Try to put it behind you & resolve to be happy ... for your sake and your children.
Remember ... they are counting on you, their Mama, to guide and comfort them through their own lives, so Mama needs to look after herself first, in order to be there for the kids.
Try to think of just 5 things each day, when you wake up, that you can be grateful for... count those blessings, you have many, I am sure you will find.
Be strong, take care, but most of all, be happy!
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male
reader, Dazzerg +, writes (25 January 2006):
I agree that you shouldn't torture yourself over this. You have been the model wife and if you torture yourself it will only make you feel worse. I am glad you are considering counselling and hope it helps and hope that he has the decency to support you through this.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (25 January 2006):
 Don't beat yourself up over this, HE'S the one without the honor, you were a loving trusting wife. Good luck with your counseling it will make you feel much better and I'm sure you'll be all right.
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female
reader, yaddayadda +, writes (25 January 2006):
yaddayadda is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your feedback. I sure didn't expect to hear from a cheater. And I'm sorry if this is rude, but I really don't care how hard it is for you to stop or if it's an addiction, whatever. What makes you need to do in the first place? What made this harder for me was that this is someone he saw everyday...they worked together. He walked her to her car every night. They worked the night shift and then I guess they did their 'chatting' or emailing during the day while I was at work or on their nights off while I was sleeping. He even gave my son's old bike to her younger son and took my kids over to her house. I knew about all of this and thought we were being nice. He told me she wished her marriage was just like ours and he told me 'yep, I'm a lucky man.' So then, how did this start happening? When did he decide he was unhappy? After I found out about all the 'cheating' (he does not think he cheated, by the way)he told me I was a bad wife. I was very hurt and confused. Did she brainwash him or something? Anyway, he swears it never went any further than alot of flirting through email. And I guess alot of wife/husband bashing between them. Whatever. Anyway, I wrote him a note telling him how I'm feeling and I'm considering counseling. He actually suggested it a few years ago after this happened, but we never went.
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reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (25 January 2006):
I'm glad you are undergoing therapy, 'nuts' maybe then you'll realize you are only try to cover your lack of character and honor with pitiful excuses for you behavior. But enough about you. Good luck to you 'yaddayadda', let us know how things turn out for you!
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female
reader, must_b_nuts +, writes (25 January 2006):
 Yes "eyes" I agree cheating is WRONG!! And I accept your apology for misreading my post. Maybe you need to open your eyes a little more so you can read what's really there. To clarify my first post to this suffering wife, and as I stated to you in my second post, her husband MAY have said it's over, but these things are very hard to stop. Proven by the fact that when he said it was over with Mrs. Internet the first time, it clearly wasn't. So, the part where YOU say he needs to keep reassuring her is simply bogus. Anyone can lie and hide the truth. But before she takes "the final step", as you suggested, maybe they should consider marriage counseling to help rebuild the honesty. I was trying to let her know that perhaps she's not being paranoid about not letting this issue go away. Gut instincts are there for a reason.... and so is heartache. I highly recommend this site by Dr. Harley http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html I am currently starting his course with my husband. There is a reason why cheaters cheat, and it takes two for a marriage to lose it's intimacy. Dr. Harley makes some very good points, as well as provides a course and questionnaires. Good luck to you "yaddayadda"!!!!!
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (24 January 2006):
Sorry 'must b nuts' but your sorry excuse for your actions just doesn't wash. "Addiction" indeed. And speaking of being sensitive, what comfort could this suffering wife possibly get from your response? Cheating goes absolutely against everything marriage stands for.
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female
reader, must_b_nuts +, writes (24 January 2006):
Dear "eyeswideopen", My post was merely to let her know how hard it is for the cheater to stop the cheating!! I was trying to let her know that just because her husband says it's "over", didn't mean it was!! This is a hard thing to stop!! I wasn't telling her to forgive him or any of that crap. I think marriage counseling is probably the only way to get through this, so all walls can come down, and the honesty rebuilt. You seem VERY insensitive to be an "Agony Aunt"... I may be nuts, but at least I'm not mean!! Sheesh!!!
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (24 January 2006):
Of course you feel you can't trust him. You've been hurt too deeply by all this crap he's pulled. Ignore 'must b nuts' (she is) emotional cheating is just as devastating as physical cheating and sometimes more so. You are going to need alot of reasurance from your husband that this is no longer going on and will never happen again before you can ever get beyond it. He needs to account for his actions and prove to you, whenever you ask, that he isn't receiving any more "inappropriate" emails. If he has a problem with his life being an open book to you then I'm afraid you'll have to take the final step. But the ball is in his court and will BE in his court for quite awhile. Trust is not build easily or rapidly. It is going to be an effort but by God make him do the lion share!
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female
reader, must_b_nuts +, writes (24 January 2006):
Hi there... Sadly, I am currently in your husband's position. And I don't have any advice for you. I just wanted to share my story. As a matter of fact, I wrote here 3 weeks ago trying to get help for myself. Trying to stop, but unable to. You see, I have been having an emotional affair for 3 years with a married man. My husband has caught us a couple of times. I swore I'd stop each time. I really meant it and I would for a while. But then, after time, and maybe a rough patch in the marriage, I'd log on and there he was... Happy to hear from me, and the addiction started again!! And yes, I've created different emails and messenger names trying to keep the secret. It is so hard to explain why we don't/can't stop. I guess we validate it by saying that it's OK because it's not physical. But I know that if I caught my husband doing the same, I'd be devistated, just like he was when he discovered my secret. My husband even tried the dumb idea of talking "openly" about it and so when ever my friend and I would chat, I'd tell my husband, and then he'd ask a million questions and I'd get defensive and we'd end up fighting. So being "honest and open" about it did NOT work!! And saying "just stop if you love your husband so much", isn't helpful. I DO want to stop. I DO love my husband. But it is a drug..... an addiction... And it is NOT meant to hurt anyone else, although it does. I'm sorry that I don't have any advice for you, but I wanted you to hear what it's like from our (the cheater's) side...... And believe me, at least in my case, the conversations with Mr. Internet are mostly about general stuff and only about 10% is flirting and innuendos, but no sex talk..... I'm rambling, sorry. I hope I at least helped you understand the addiction?
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male
reader, Dazzerg +, writes (24 January 2006):
Well it is totally understandable in my eyes that you are not able to get over this. He told you allot of lies and if he is continuing to conceal his relationship with this women, even if it is in fact purely via e-mail, then it is debateable whether he should be trusted now. You say that she has e-mailed him at his new job so i am wondering if this is a recent, fresh development. You say the original incident happened some time ago but is fidning out about this causing these feelings to resurface?
If it is then I think you need to comfront him about this and let him know that you know and how it is undermining your trust in him and the relationship. Ultimately your feelings should matter more than those of this person if whatever he says is true and she is just a good friend.
However if these other e-mails are also in the past then I think the lack of closure could be coming from the fact that you feel you never knew the complete truth. Then you have a choice: either you comfront him, maybe in a less agressive manner, and tell him how you feel and see what he says or you have to except that you were told the full facts or even if you weren't will never know them and refocus yourself too the present.
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